It seems a bit counterintuitive.
This idea of being selfish in bed. It even — dare I say — seems to fly in the face of that beloved Christian platitude of being self-sacrificial in marriage.
But ladies I gotta tell you — if you aren’t experiencing and enjoying orgasm in your marriage bed, then your marriage bed (and your marriage) is likely suffering.
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(For you husbands reading this, pay close attention. I have gems in here for you too. And hopefully by the end of the post, you and your wife will both run with abandon toward her orgasmic pleasure).
No surprise to anyone who has ever had sex that a wife having an orgasm (statistically speaking) is not quite as sure of a thing as a husband having an orgasm.
The clitoris just isn’t as predictable as the penis.
Yes, I’m painting things in somewhat broad strokes here. The truth remains, though, that if you asked 100 people who is more likely to have an orgasm in every sexual encounter in a marriage — the husband or the wife — I’d bet my last $1 that all 100 would say “the husband.”
Women sometimes ask me how to have an orgasm. (You just can’t offer a class on that at the local community college, but hey…if I could, I probably would. Orgasm 101.)
In all seriousness, I believe wives who see the value of sex do indeed want orgasm to be a part of it — they often struggle, though, with knowing how to get there.
This is especially true if they have never had an orgasm, but even for wives who have known sexual pleasure, there still can stumbling blocks that thwart their pleasure.
The solution? Enter selfishness, stage right.
Here are three tips I suggest:
1. Stop thinking that sex is all about him.
This one little lie fuels a wife’s lack of orgasmic pleasure more than anything else.
Somewhere along the way, she bought into the lie that her husband’s need and desire for sex trumps anything the sexual encounter could offer her. Sadly, this thought seems most pervasive in Christian circles, where wives are subtly or not-so-subtly told “sex is what you have to do.””
But what if you viewed sex instead as something you “get” to do? Something that is as much about intense pleasure for you as it is for your husband.
When both a husband and a wife are more intentional about pleasure for both of them being a priority, it’s not really selfish. It’s a true reflection of what God intended sex to be in a marriage.
When God said that a husband and wife should not withhold their bodies from each other, that wasn’t just for a husband’s benefit.
It was for her benefit as well.
2. Stop assuming your husband knows how to help you climax.
In one regard, husbands are at a disadvantage sexually. A woman’s body is bewildering landscape. What seems to turn her on one night doesn’t really do much for her the next.
Add to this that she often doesn’t know what turns her on, and it is no wonder that her likelihood of reaching orgasm starts to feel like climbing Mt. Everest. Nice in theory, but completely impractical in reality.
There is a better way.
Wives, you need to coach him on pleasing you. Husbands, you need to invite her to coach you — and then respond accordingly to her direction.
If you as a wife do not know what it will take for you to orgasm, I will give you a little insight. Your clitoris likely needs more stimulation than you realize. Whether it be through intercourse, oral sex or use of hands, you likely need to try different techniques to get the rate and firmness of stimulation just right.
And consider various positions, such as the wife being on top, where she usually has more control over angles and rate of movement. Missionary position is not the only way to have sex. I’m not ruling it out, of course, but for a wife to achieve orgasm this way, her husband usually needs to be further forward with the shaft of his penis in more direct and firm contact with the clitoris.
Talk to each other and welcome the opportunity to be teachable. This principle is foundational in marriages where there is amazing sex. (I have a whole page on my site with links about orgasm, if you want to check that out as well).
3. Start leaning into pleasure.
This is probably the most difficult one for women to embrace. Like I’ve already mentioned, if she thinks sex is just for him, she has gone to great lengths to downplay the significance of her own orgasm.
Also, she has like a gazillion details running through her mind at any given time. And unlike her husband, she’s not able to put all of them on the back burner when she crawls into bed — and into sex — with her spouse.
Good news is that you can learn to lean into pleasure.
Spend more time on foreplay. Stop telling yourself you don’t deserve sexual pleasure. You do deserve it with the man you married. The clitoris was God’s idea and it serves no other purpose but to allow you to experience indescribable orgasmic pleasure.
When you are feeling aroused — and especially when you feel yourself getting close to having an orgasm — focus on the pleasure. On the surface that may look like pure selfishness, but ultimately it will do your marriage a world of good.
If you’ve made it this far in the post, my guess is you are either a bit nervous. Or a bit aroused. Or maybe a lot of both.
A little sexual selfishness goes a long way to better sexual intimacy in marriage. Sex doesn’t have to be a battleground. And it doesn’t have to be a bleak boring tundra. It can be a playground of sacredness, oneness and pleasure.