How many husbands would continue to have sex if they rarely or never had an orgasm?
Inconceivable, right?
We snicker at such a scenario because it’s just so… well, crazy! Who among us can even remotely imagine any husband consistently having sex without the likelihood of climaxing?
Not me. Not you. Not anyone, really.
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Yet, many wives experience sex with no pleasure on a regular basis. They rarely or never climax during sexual intimacy.
The reasons for a wife’s lack of sexual pleasure vary.
Some don’t think they deserve it. Some have yet to learn enough about their own bodies to understand what it will take for them to climax. Other wives have husbands who are selfish lovers, devoting not even an ounce of compassion toward their wife’s orgasm.
Of course, there are more than a few wives who entered marriage with distorted theology — that sex is gross or wrong or “just for him” or serves no other purpose beyond baby-making.
For a wife peering through the lens of skewed theology, she remains entrenched in a Christian rhetoric void of the biblical message that her sexual pleasure in marriage is good and sacred — even God-designed.
And then there also are wives who just see no value in having an orgasm. Maybe they’ve had one; maybe they haven’t. For whatever reason, though, they are too tired, too spent, too done to give even a passing glance at sex in general, let alone sex that is soul-drenching and mind-blowing.
Are you in any of the above camps?
If so, here are three reasons why your orgasm matters:
1. God designed it.
He could have left it out, you know.
He is the creator of the universe, after all. It’s His gig. He called all the shots. He spoke and things appeared. Animals, plants, water, sky, people. The very design of your body was His idea alone.
Your clitoris was His idea. And it serves no other purpose but sexual pleasure. No. Other. Purpose.
Clearly, sexual pleasure isn’t just for your husband. It is for you too.
If we as married Christians long to have His truths flood our hearts, then why do we stumble in embracing His gift of orgasm? The Lord has vested interest in your sexual pleasure. Do you?
2. Orgasm will make your marriage better.
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On the other hand, when we are regularly enjoying and nurturing our sexual intimacy, it softens us to each other. We are able to extend more grace. We like each other better. It makes our house run smoother and it sets a good example for our kids.
Yes, you climaxing is good for your marriage.
If you are experiencing sexual pleasure, then sex isn’t just something on your “to do” list. It becomes a priority.
And if your husband is like most husbands, he enjoys sex more when you climax. (If you are a husband reading this and you are a selfish lover, stop it. You are robbing your marriage and your wife. And dishonoring the Lord.)
3. Orgasm is an exclusive privilege.
I could have written that orgasm is a great stress reducer and that all these wonderfully healthy things happen in your body when you climax. That’s all true, by the way.
BUT, at the core of those benefits (and #1 and #2 mentioned above) is this element of exclusivity.
A husband and wife being able to bring each other sexual pleasure is an experience exclusive to their marriage relationship. They can’t get it some place else, at least not biblically or morally.
Why does that matter? Because something reserved only for the two of you carries with it profound and tender significance. Climaxing is a spiritual, physical and emotional manifestation of your covenant relationship.
Yes, your orgasm matters. If you are sexually inhibited or simply want to know the best kept secret to mind-blowing sex, then decide today to right the ship on making sexual pleasure less of an “extra” and more of a “sure thing.”
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Thank you for continually facilitating an adult conversation about healthy sex in a Christian context. I get so frustrated when I read articles–often with great ideas–that simultaneously reinforce the notion that s*x or org*sm is wr*ng or sh*meful by refusing to treat words as– um– words. I whole heartedly agree that sex is part of the sacred covenant of marriage and that *gasp* –it’s AWESOME when you have a loving partner to do it with!
Great post, as usual, Julie! And yes, orgasm does matter!
I agree that no man would ever consider not climaxing during sex and if he didn’t get to he wouldn’t want to have sex very much. Certainly, there are times where it may not happen, but in general it is more rare.
Aside from all the reasons you listed for wives not having orgasms, there is another one I would add…the notion that women shouldn’t make orgasm the ‘goal’ of sex and can just be happy without having one. Okay, well, maybe having an orgasm shouldn’t be a ‘goal’ and maybe, yes, we can be still be ‘happy’ without having one, but why shouldn’t we too, get to experience that grand finale to our lovemaking with our husband?
Too often I have read articles like this, usually written by a man nonetheless, that basically downplays a woman’s orgasm. It is thought that for most women achieving orgasm is so hard that many don’t want to or need to work at it. And while it can be true that climaxing can be harder for women than men, part of the fun in my opinion, is working towards it with my spouse.
But if we were to say these things to a man on the occasion he did not climax but his wife did, wouldn’t he still feel the frustration of having gotten almost there, and then nothing. Can you imagine the wife saying, “Oh, I’m sorry hon, you didn’t get to come, maybe next time. But remember, it’s not all about the orgasm!”
So, why make it a ‘goal’ that you want to achieve with your hubby…he will feel fantastic for getting his wife there, and well, she just might feel pretty good too! 😉
Should have been: why NOT make it a ‘goal…’ 🙂
Great and very relevant post. Both wives and husbands ought to experience sexual fulfillment in their loving marriage.
I balled my eyes out when I read this. We saved it to read on the plane as we left for our honeymoon. Thank you for the words of sexual wisdom – it meant so much to both of us.
Thank you so much @E.J. Smith, @Aimee, @Larry B and @Jessica for taking the time to comment. Means a lot to me and you all make such good points.
@Jessica… I’m so glad you were encouraged by the post as you start your marriage. It has occurred to me that at some point I need to offer an opportunity for soon-to-be wives to hear some specifics about sexual intercourse, pleasure, etc., in a safe setting. I wouldn’t want to call it a class, but something along those lines?!! Your comment was some confirmation to something God had already laid on my heart. Thank you!
What do you do if your partner can not perform because of sexual issues. But wants to make sure your satisfied. Do you let them or do you wait on them until they are able to have orgasms again. I should say were only in our 40’s
Hello @Debi beauvais… my encouragement would be that you have a conversation with your spouse to see how he feels about the situation. It is good he wants to make sure you are satisfied… that shows that he is interested in nurtured intimacy even if he is struggling with issues that make it difficult for him to have sex (not sure if you are talking about erectile dysfunction or something else?) At any rate, the more you can have open discussion about your intimacy, the better. I know it’s not easy, but right now you are probably both operating from a place of guessing how the other one truly feels. Also, if possible, do what you can about the sexual issues he is struggling with. Possibly there are solutions you haven’t considered?
My spouse has no desire in sex. We buy pills that are suppose to help,which they do for a little while. I miss making love together. I’ve said how i feel and the responds is its not you. I do not want you to think i dont want you because i do. I just dont have the desire.
Tellimg a wife that her orgasm makes sex more enjoyable for him does nothing but pile more pressure on her. This should never be given as a reason for her climax.