Have you been lied to about sex?
Worse, have other Christians been behind those lies?
Maybe! The good news, though, is that once you recognize these lies, you can set the record straight in your marriage and make sex a sacred, nurtured and mutually-valued aspect of your relationship.
Here are 3 sex lies (some) Christian wives believe:
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Lie #1: Sex is just for him.
This is a sneaky little lie that usually shows up subtly, much to the detriment of your sexual pleasure as a wife and the profound effect sex could be having on your marriage.
Nowhere — I mean, nowhere — in the Bible do we see that sex is just for the husband. God wants a husband and wife to mutually honor and nurture sexual intimacy in marriage.
I think some Christian wives start to believe sex is just for a husband because his drive may be higher or because it is easier for him to reach orgasm. If that describes your situation — if you drifted into believing sex is just for him — I’m here to say that your sexual pleasure matters.
If you struggle with not enjoying sex, try to figure out why. Talk openly with your spouse and commit together to making intimacy enriching for both of you.
Sex isn’t just good for your marriage, it is good for you personally. And if your husband is like most husbands, he wants you to enjoy sex. He wants you to want it.
Lie #2: Sex is just for making babies.
A good friend of mine was talking with her early-teen daughter about intimacy, and the daughter said, “Well, I only want two kids, so I think I’ll just have sex twice when I’m married.”
My friend laughed and said, “Well, I don’t think your husband is going to be too happy about that!”
My friend could have easily gone on to say to her daughter, “You as a wife aren’t going to be too happy about it either! If you really grasp how God designed sexual pleasure and bonding, you’ll discover how much you like it too!”
She didn’t say that, of course, but I imagine she will someday. But right now her daughter is like most girls and young women who intricately associate marriage with having babies. We don’t grow up associating marriage with tender soul-drenching sexual pleasure and bonding.
It’s not that it’s bad that sex is how we get babies, because God did indeed say go ye forth and multiply (and sex was the means He designed to get there).
BUT, we spend a lot of time in marriage having sex that does not lead to babies. Even a couple who marries in their early 20s likely will spend less than the first third of their marriage in childbearing years (assuming they are married for upward of 60 years).
And let’s not forget about married couples who face the heart-wrenching struggle of infertility, sometimes without ever getting pregnant. What about couples who marry later in life, beyond their childbearing years?
Or couples who simply cannot get pregnant because of injury or illness?
Or couples who are already pregnant but still could be having sex during the pregnancy?
Suffice it to say, sex is not just for procreation. And God’s Word backs this up. In Proverbs and in Song of Songs, for example, God reminds us about the delight of marital sexual pleasure. And in 1 Corinthians, He reminds us that having sex regularly protects a marriage against temptation.
Stop believing and living the lie that sex is just for making babies. It really is for so much more.
Lie #3: Sex is about being inhibited.
It’s hard to grasp that Christian modesty could ever be a bad thing, but I do think it inadvertently has taken quite a toll on some marriages.
Don’t get me wrong. I get that we as Christian women want to maintain a high standard of discretion in the way we dress and carry ourselves in public settings. Sadly, though, this approach has seeped into marriage beds everywhere.
Inhibition and modesty have sabotaged what could be profound sexual connection and fun in the exclusive sexual encounters between a husband and a wife.
While I cannot define what being uninhibited means for each married couple, I do wholeheartedly believe that there is freedom to enjoy different sexual positions, techniques and so forth.
As long as there are NO third parties (real, imagined or pornographic) participating in your intimacy AND as long as neither spouse is getting hurt (emotionally, physically or spiritually), then I think a married couple has tremendous freedom.
Discuss as a couple what would make sex more bonding, intimate and enjoyable for you. You can stretch outside your comfort zone without compromising your Christian values.
When you look over the above 3 lies, do you see any that you have believed?
Now is the time to stop believing the lies… and start engaging with your spouse sexually in a way that reflects all God designed sex to be.
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Lie #1 is a frequent one heard and it makes no since from a “God created us” standpoint. The woman has a part on her body (Clitoris) that is solely (at least as far as I know from an anatomy standpoint) designed for sexual stimulation and to have sexual satisfaction. So, God, the creator, made that part specifically on women. Why would he do that if he didn’t want women to enjoy sex and have sexual satisfaction or if He only meant for sex to make babies?
I am practically crippled by #3. In efforts to guide me on the correct path, sex was made so taboo and wrong in my mind that I still have many intimacy problems, after 16 years of marriage. The over-sexualized, practically pornographic world we live in has hinder me even more. I constantly worry about what my husband expects and how he thinks things should be, especially when he thinks I’m silly for not liking and wanting to try things he is comfortable with. I have yet to find anything that helps me, and actually fear that I’m becoming more inhibited from the stress of it all.
Thank you @Brian and @Heather for the comments.
@Heather… I don’t think you are alone in these struggles. I believe many Christians in particular struggle with identifying authentic sexual intimacy from what the world perpetuates. I encourage you to dig into God’s Word with your husband. There are also some great Christian sex books available that may help you past some of the struggles. If you wanted to email me directly to dialogue a bit, you can email me at jksibert@cox.net. I’m happy to share some resources, ideas, etc.
I love this article! I wish more woman in the Christian community would read articles like this. I feel like if this issue was really addressed in a lot of marriages, there would be much happier marriages. God made sex between a husband and wife for a reason. He could have chosen a much simpler way to procreate. He chose this. It’s not just for procreation, it’s for pleasure. For both the male and female. My husband and I have been married almost ten years. Our youngest is 6, and hubby gets the occasional ” 6 years since he last had sex ” joke. If only they knew I usually want it more than him! He has a healthy sex drive, but so do I. I personally love the gift of sex. It’s such a special time alone with my hubby. In a busy life with 3 kids, what better way to connect? Of course we talk, and are intimate in other ways, but I just love having sex with my husband. I wish more woman shared that enthusiasm. Get rid of the ole wives hate sex popular belief. Men are wired to want sex. I think if you keep that connection, keep that sex life alive( and not in a dragging my feet to have sex to please him, but in a way he knows you’re enjoying it too) I think out helps keep the devil at bay. A need that God has given is being met in a way He intended it too. We get to have sex about 3 times a week. I know it makes him feel wanted sexually too. It’s important to keep that couple alive. Hubby makes me feel beautiful. And it’s a beautiful thing God brings in a marriage when all needs are being met. Thank you for this article!
Amen, Misty!
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective and for affirming how well sex fits into God’s plan for a happy marriage, including your own. I’m also fed up with the stereotype that women don’t enjoy sex and need to be coerced by their husbands to make it happen.
God is good, and He made sex great! 🙂
Dustin
Before being married, I definitely believed the first one. I didn’t think I would be able to enjoy sex, and honestly I didn’t initially because I was psychologically blocking myself from pleasure. I had been under the false assumption that in order to be godly I couldn’t be sexy too. But I have learned in my short time of being married that God created women to be sexual beings also and that He designed sex to be pleasurable for both the husband and wife. All three of the above lies are myths often perpetuated by a naive, uninformed church. This is why I firmly believe as the Body of Christ we need to take back the word “sex” and allow God to redeem it, inform us through His Word, encourage our married couples to enjoy it to the fullest, encourage our unmarried friends to wait for it, and ask God to bless the sexual union between husbands and wives.