Even if you had some idea that sex would decline in frequency after marriage, maybe you had no idea that marriage with work, family, friends, and the C word – children – would mean sneaking sex in whenever or wherever you could.
Whether you are needing sex for intimacy and connection with your spouse, or as a personal or mutual stress relief, or as a mood lifter, you may feel dangerously close to thinking sex “just isn’t possible for us anymore,” not in any really free, fun, or satisfying way.
With all the demands life puts on you as a responsible adult, sex may have fallen off the life map all together.
And this might have already pushed away your spouse and hurt you both emotionally.
But the first step to finding time for sex is saying this: sex is not what I thought it was.
The feelings, hormones, lifestyles, and environments that enable and drive sex are not consistent throughout life or within relationships. That is why classic romance movies fade to black immediately after the blissful couple kiss – instead of “The End” or “La Fin” they should tack on “and then reality intruded.”
It isn’t that you won’t have your “happily ever after,” it is you will have to rethink it and how sex will be.
We all grow up with expectations and with attitudes of “that won’t happen to us,” but when you look up from your planner or smart phone calendar app and find yourself in a sex desert, you realize with a big “!” it happened!
You did not find time for sex.
Work was stressful. Deadlines and due dates were pressing. The kids were sick. The grass was getting high. The air conditioner broke. The dog threw up in the bedroom. Your mother died. You were terminated from your job.
You didn’t feel like shaving because you were tired from dealing with your kid’s angst and you just don’t feel desirable because of the extra weight you are both carrying around and you sometimes don’t even hold hands anymore so how can you ask your spouse to do the things you use to not have to ask to have done?!
Why should you have to ask? Isn’t there something wrong with that? Shouldn’t sex be intuitive?
Maybe you are thinking you won’t ask because it would be so unnatural after how natural you came together. There was attraction. There was intuition. Maybe you never had to ask for a deep, slow kiss before.
But now, you have to ask your spouse to listen to the words coming out of your mouth no matter what you are saying. You feel tuned out and that turns you off.
I understand how this happens from my own life experiences and the experiences shared with me from male and female friends.
So what can you do?
If you and your spouse are physically and psychologically in a healthy space, meaning you don’t need medical, mental, or spiritual intervention, you are going to have to lie to your spouse – at least it will feel like a lie.
Text or message or whisper to your spouse while they butter their bagel, in a relaxed moment or any moment you can catch, “I still desire you” or “I miss you” “I miss being with you.” If you are more racy and bold, tell them what act or body parts you are missing. Then fantasize about sex. Then repeat.
You are priming the pump, so to speak, with no pun or dirty entendre intended. Maybe.
Start expressing sexual desire. Letting the person know you crave them is sometimes all that is needed, and saying that you crave your partner will race your heart or warm your body.
If it is difficult to get the message through, keep it up.
Ok, that was a cheap pun. But you might be smiling now?
Flirting with your spouse is a skill and is another step back into the bedroom, or living room couch, or the home-office chair without the arm rests.
Be silly. Be serious. Be naughty. Take a few risks like touching your spouse above their clothes but in an intimate area. And invite them to do the same. Go beneath their clothes if preferable. Hold each other close intimately even if sex is off the table. On the floor… On the rug…
Be giving with expectations of being given in return.
Tell your spouse, “If the kids weren’t around, I’d so do ….”
Say you want them.
Say that you need them.
Say you want and need sex.
Say what you want to do.
Say what you will do.
Say what you will allow.
Or if you lack the vocabulary (and you should really work on it if you don’t have it yet!) just let their imagination wander in any fantasy rich way that gets them wanting you.
Sex, really good sex, “jump up and slap your mother because she never told you how fun it was” sex should always be a priority for you and your spouse – you deserve it and it is your right as a couple, no matter how much responsibility you have, to have really good sex.
You are in the most intimate, and thereby comfortable, of all relationships, you are sexually healthy, you know how to prevent pregnancy, you can find time for sex, and you should.
Because one day, you will be old, wrinkled, and weak, wouldn’t it be fun to be on the porch with the one you shared your life with and recall all the fun things you did together. Especially what you shared with no one else!
It’s time to make some “Remember when…” memories.
It’s time for you to start finding time for sex.
(Photos provided free of copywrite by Fotolio, a partner of Microsoft.)