I am a wife with a high sex drive. Sometimes I find myself even wondering “why do I crave sex so much?”
Some people would say that trait puts me in an incredibly small minority.
But word to the wise, there are more of us out there than you may realize.
I do hear from women who would love more sex with their husband — and they are baffled as to why he isn’t on board with that.
Each marriage is unique and the circumstances behind mismatched sex drives certainly vary. I get that.
Some of the below questions, though, might spur some opportunities to either better understand what’s going on or to initiate some dialogue with your husband.
If you want sex more than he does, ask yourself:
Does he really know I want more sex?
Sometimes subtlety works in making sexual desires known, but I wouldn’t rely too heavily on this approach.
If you are “hinting” at wanting more sex or if you are simply waiting for him to always be the one to pursue you, such an approach is probably leaving you frustrated.
Somewhere along the way, I think women (particularly Christian women) got the idea that it is more appropriate to wait for him to do all the initiating. The problem is there is nothing biblical to such a thought.
If you want more sex, don’t assume he knows. And if he is not receiving your attempts to initiate, talk to him (preferably in a non-sexual setting).
Express to him that you hunger to be with him more sexually.
Could there be a physical reason he’s not interested in sex?
I certainly can’t cover every physical possibility, but there are a few worth mentioning.
For example, some guys experience erectile dysfunction and they find this embarrassing and/or discouraging. They simply don’t want to either initiate sex or respond to your pursuit, because they question whether they will be able to get and/or maintain an erection.
They don’t want to disappoint you or themselves, so their logic is to avoid the situation altogether. But that approach is not doing either of you any good.
A variety of things can cause erectile dysfunction. Sometimes age and/or alcohol consumption can play a factor. Sometimes it can be the result of medications (such as for high blood pressure) or various medical conditions.
Certainly you and your husband shouldn’t navigate this on your own or make sudden changes in medications.
If you think your husband is struggling with erectile dysfunction, talk to him. Be his champion and partner and safe person.
Remind him that it is not a reflection of him as a man and that erectile dysfunction is increasingly a more treatable experience.
It is worth a trip to the doctor and any specialists to talk openly. This is true not only for erectile dysfunction, but also such things as weight gain, depression, diabetes and so forth.
As a sexologist, I simply have to post a somewhat restrained opinion. Does Viagra work? Clinical trials show that it provides significant improvement of erectile response in most patients. However, I recommend consulting a physician before the therapy. It may be harmful for those suffering from cardiovascular deceases, so make sure you are A-OK.
Doctors, nutritionists and counselors exist to help individuals and couples build healthy lives, including healthy sexual intimacy.
And it is important to remember that even if actual intercourse is no longer possible, sexual contact that is affirming to both of you is still possible. Throughout marriage, whether we are talking about sex or anything else, we have to find ways to adapt and still nurture our oneness.
Is he stressed about something?
Stress can take a toll on any person’s sex drive. No surprise there, but we tend to think it is women who struggle with this, not men.
As much as we like to joke around about men being able to forget about everything when they crawl beneath the sheets, this is just not always the case.
I can point to a few occasions when my husband and I tried to make love, but he admitted that his mind was preoccupied with something else.
It wasn’t that his heart wasn’t in it. His mind wasn’t. And he couldn’t get past that barrier in that moment.
If you think your husband might be worried or stressed about something (finances, work, family matters, other responsibilities), shed light on this. Express to him you are concerned and you want him to be able to talk to you about everything, even the stuff he maybe is trying to protect you from.
Ultimately, what makes for an intimate bond (sexual and otherwise) is a deep abiding friendship. If he is overwhelmed or stressed, you as his wife need to know.
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Does sex always mean mutual sexual pleasure?
This question might surprise you, but hang in there with me, okay? If the pattern in your sexual intimacy has always meant intercourse, then that is how you as a couple have come to define “sex.”
As life moved along, you found you wanted sex more than he did, and you both still saw it as always including intercourse.
But a husband and wife can experience sexual connection without intercourse every time. Are you willing to experience nakedness with each other and closeness and sexual touch without it always concluding in an orgasm?
Are there deeper issues going on?
Sometimes a man’s sex drive with his wife decreases because of deeper (maybe even tragic) circumstances in the marriage. These could include (but not be limited to) such things as deep communication problems, pornography use, and infidelity.
Obviously, if a husband and wife are struggling in their relationship (or if one of the spouses is struggling in the relationship), then this is going to take a huge toll on sexual intimacy in the marriage.
I think counseling can benefit a couple any time in marriage, but I think it is a necessity if the marriage is facing a crisis. Don’t hesitate to say to your husband that you want the two of you to go to a marriage counselor.
If he won’t go, then go on your own. Not only will this give you the insights of a professional counselor, it also will demonstrate to your husband that the status quo situation of your marriage is not okay with you.
You are going to do whatever you can to strengthen the marriage. (If you can’t afford counseling, check out these three ideas).
Lastly, with regard to sex drive, I want to encourage you as a woman to remember that it is not wrong that your sex drive is higher than your husband’s.
Sometimes I hear from women who think there is something “wrong” with them for wanting sex. But the truth is that sexual desire is a good thing in a marriage and couples will spend their married years navigating the impact that desire has on their relationship.
Why do I crave sex? As I said at the beginning, I am a wife with a high sex drive. And that drive at times has been higher than my husband’s.
Though it can feel uncomfortable to address this in a marriage, we are grateful we have. The health of our marriage is worth it.
For more reading on this topic, check out Why Men Fall Asleep After Sex [3 Good Reasons Why].
What happens when it seems like the husband wants more sex than the wife does? It seems like she can “take it or leave it”. What should one do then?
Thanks for this post; it helps me not feel so alone. It’s true that all my friends seem to have an experience opposite to mine! I used to worry constantly about what was wrong with me, or him.
I have just recently realized that for almost all of the 11 years I’ve been with my husband, I’ve focused so much on lack and what’s going wrong, that that’s what I continue to attract into the marriage. I’ve decided to stop and just be at peace with how things are, even though I’d like a more intimate relationship. I need to just love and accept myself no matter how he behaves toward me, and respect and love him unconditionally. I have faith that things will improve in our physical relationship and know that God wants this for us.
This experience has been very hard for me, but it’s just the training I need to learn to be a more loving and forgiving wife and overall better person.
What if one spouse or the other just never seems satisfied? Not just with amount of sex but with the sex. Always seeking something different. Darker more taboo things. How does one express non interest or say no without hurting feelings or relationship?
For me, as I told her, its about “money in the bank” to me. By that analogy, you have a certain amount of money in your bank account but do you visit the ATM everyday? Of course not. I’m almost 37 years old, she and I have been together for almost 5 years so I don’t really have anything to prove per se regarding intimacy however I would like to feel that if I wanted to be intimate with her, it could happen. However instead at times, I feel rejected.
@TF — I don’t have easy answers, but I think you should try to talk to her about it from the aspect of how it makes you feel that she is not interested in that aspect of the marriage. I know, that’s not easy. But status quo isn’t easy either. Sometimes conversations like this are easier to have side-by-side, rather than face-to-face. A good example is going on a walk. I often encourage couples to try to walk and talk about hard issues, in a tone of love and compassion, of course, but clarity as well about the depth of the pain.
Thanks for your reply and your comments. We just recently moved into a larger home and of course with a larger home, comes more expenses so the stress from that hasn’t helped either. Its a work in progress but I think we will be okay.
@kevin — Often people ask me “what is okay in bed?” I always respond that (1) it has to be exclusive (no third parties involved, and this would include no watching of porn, no one watching the two of you having sex, no one else actually with you having sex, etc.); and (2) no one is getting hurt physically, emotionally, spiritually (so, one spouse can’t force another spouse to do something or manipulate them into doing something) and (3) it doesn’t violate God’s commands. For example, God doesn’t want anything to become an idol in our lives, so if we become fixated on sex or any sexual act to the point that it is diminishing our relationship with the Lord, that’s not okay.
You didn’t mention exactly what your spouse wants to do, and you don’t need to tell me, but I encourage you to have open discussion with your spouse about whether what is being suggested or desired falls within those three guidelines. If it does, then pray whether it is the right thing for your intimacy. Only the two of you can arrive at that decision. Sometimes it is good to get outside our comfort zone, and sometimes it is better to respect that one spouse doesn’t want to do a particular sex act, etc.
I think some would be surprised how many emails in my inbox are from higher drive wives wondering: Why doesn’t he want me? What is wrong with me? Who can I talk to? What do I do?
Your ideas here are great! I’m eager to share this post with my readers. Sometimes there aren’t easy answers, but there are steps we can take to nurture sexual intimacy in our marriage. Thank you!