I receive a lot of emails from readers, and I rarely share them here on the blog because they are either too personal or too specific. Well, I recently received a message that I thought would be best addressed as a community, and the sender encouraged me to share it with you to get your feedback.
Here’s the message:
I had a situation happen to me today that I thought might make a good discussion topic for your site – proper social networking etiquette / behavior for married people .
Today, I had an old boyfriend send me a friend request on Facebook. I decided to ignore the request. I haven’t even thought of him in 13 years and there was a good reason I broke it off then.
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Is this really someone I want to share the details of my life with anymore? No. Would I be cool with my husband “friending” an old flame? Honestly, I would probably be a little weird about it. Some people are best left in the past.
Here’s where you can help. In the comments below, I’d love to get your opinions on this situation.
How would you feel if you were the one receiving the friend request? Would you feel the need to ask your spouse before you accepted or ignored it?
Would you care if your spouse “friended” an ex-boyfriend or ex-wife?
Do you think Facebook and other social media relationships are totally harmless, or does it actually mean something when you accept “friend” status with someone?
By the way, if you have a question that you’d like to “Ask the Community” here at Engaged Marriage, please send me a message and let me know!
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I probably wouldn’t ask my husband about it, because I wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable by bringing up past relationships, but I also wouldn’t “befriend” an old flame. I would just ignore the request. Like the original writer noted, some people are best left in the past. That’s probably a smart move.
I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily wrong to befriend an old flame, though, depending on how intimate your relationship was then and whether there are any lingering feelings on either side. My husband is facebook friends with one of his ex-girlfriends (I’m friends with her too), but he and she are both happily married to other people now and there are no residual romantic feelings on either side. It doesn’t bother me.
I agree with Kathleen, that it depends on the nature of both relationships, past and present. In either case, if the current spouse has *any* reservations whatsoever, then just don’t do it. It’s not worth causing hurt feelings. (And if it’s that important to you, then that’s a whole other discussion!)
Facebook is as harmless as you make it.
I think it depends on the old relationship. My wife and I both have “friends” from our past on Facebook. At this point, I look at a high school romance as just another friend from my past.
I think Kathleen has hit it on the nose. A big “it depends.” It depends on the relationship you had, what feelings you might still have, what feelings they might still have. Also, if your spouse has an issue with it — no matter what your relationship with the past flame — then no friending old boyfriends or girlfriends. It’s more important to honor their feelings than catch up with an old beau!
But, often, it’s a non-issue. I am friended with a couple of past boyfriends. One is married, one is not. My husband is NOT concerned. He actually friended the unmarried one before I did. There are a few past boyfriends that I would *definitely* not friend on facebook — mostly because I do not want them in my life at any level. My husband only has 2 past girlfriends, and both seem to fall into that category!
My husband can friend anyone that he choses. If I didn’t trust him, I wouldn’t have married him.
There are one or two old boyfriends from high school that I retain as friends and those relationships were not much more intimate than my other friendships. Generally, I choose not to friend most of my old boyfriends because there was a reason that I cut them out of my life back then – so why would I want them to be part of my life now?
I understand that my perspective is different than others’ because my husband and I are each other’s only sexual partner. This adds a level of intimacy and trust between us that ensures my confidence in our relationship and I do not feel threatened by my husband’s other relationships at all. And for the record, we see some of his former girlfriends around our small town on a regular basis.
There’s a big difference between “friending” your old middle or high school boy/girlfriend and a more recent ex. I’ve got a couple of my old boyfriends on Facebook, all of whom are now married and have babies. I guess I agree with what the previous comments have said…it all depends on the nature of the relationship!
It’s always been our policy that we would not send friend requests those we had had relationships with, but if they sent one to us, then we would take it on a case by case basis. My wife is currently “friends” with a high school boyfriend, but i don’t mind. they haven’t interacted on it since she accepted the friend request.
I don’t think friend status on Facebook means very much, it has little to do with actually being real friends with someone.
No. As a survivor of infidelity, I cannot tell you how many people I have seen whose spouses began affairs with old flames. While you may trust your spouse, there are many factors that lead to a slippery slope. Why risk your marriage?
Additionally, affairs that come from re-kindling old flames are the ones that are most likely to end a marriage.
Before you or your spouse add a former fling onto a social network, please read the book “Not Just Friends.” The author, Shirley Glass, passed away years ago but her book is still one of the most helpful when it comes to preventing and recovering infidelity.
If you have ‘unresolved issues’ with a former fling, work those out with your spouse. Closure is a myth- there are many people who move on without being able to confront those that injured them.
The best and wisest comment I’ve read about adding a former boyfriend/girlfriend as a Facebook friend.
Thanks for your great insight!
Best answer! been there, done that, and even though my husband and i survived it and came out on top… it was not worth the trouble and the feelings that still linger today. Respect your relationship and leave your exes in the past! let’s be real about it!
thank you
My husband has almost ruined our marriage of 20 years, with 3 years of secret “chatting” on FB with an old flame! I had trusted him completely before this. Initially when he friended her on FB, he told me, and I told him I was worried about it, as he used to be crazy about her, but he apparently ignored my concerns, and started hiding the conversations and lying to me about it! I finally found out, and it has stopped, but it has eroded at my trust in our marriage and in him. Old flames are best kept in a shoebox in an attic!
My 20 year marriage is over because of this situation. They began their little secret back in 2008. It got more involved at the time my mother was dying. I asked him to stop. He wouldn’t . She is married also. With two kids. I’m not sure if he never got over her or something rekindled . He has never been open or honest or truthful. What I do know is he became obsessed . He even had the nerve to tell me that she knew all she had to do was pull a string and he would come running.he also said that she knew it hurt me and she liked that. She never met me . Ever. But I do think that it really began with her just seeing if she could get him back, a game. What a sick narcissist. But I’ve learned he is one too, and he became someone I don’t even know anymore. A stranger. They put me through hell. In the end , I contacted her and her husband and she has neither remorse or accountability . She is scum. She not my husband have one shred of consideration or care about anyone else, but themselves . She tried to pin it all on him. What a coward. Cowards! Both of them. I never dreamed after all we shared and have been through he would discard me so easily. And for what?
I don’t think it’s a big deal to be “friends” with exes on Facebook. I guess there are some cases where the relationships may have been more recent and so you may not want to have any contact. But my husband and I have been married for 7 years so at this point no one is very recent. And we don’t really spend time worrying about who each other’s friends are. We just trust each other.
I also agree with Eric’s comment that Facebook friend status doesn’t mean very much. I’ve noticed that a lot of people just collect up as many “friends” as possible. And a lot of the time they just send you a friend request but never actually interact with you in any other way.
I’m with you, Jem. It’s out of a desire to serve my spouse that I don’t friend any ex-girlfriends; I don’t want her to doubt my integrity and commitment to our marriage for the slightest moment. It’s also because I want to avoid the temptation of wondering “what might’ve been” had I never broken up with those girls. That’s not a good thought process for a married man.
I read recently that nearly 60% of couples entering marriage counseling right now say Facebook (and reconnecting with old relationships) is a contributing factor in the marital stress. Yikes.
I often think of “When Harry Met Sally” when it comes to this whole discussion. Is it really even possible for men and women to be friends? Harry says it isn’t, because either the man or the woman will want more out of the relationship than friendship. Now, I happen to disagree, because I have many female friends without a desire for more than friendship. However, when you enter an ex into the equation – where there was a romantic connection at one time – I think it’s pretty tough to strike the balance.
Besides, who are we kidding, if you make friends on Facebook with an old flame, you know very well that you’ll be looking at everything going on in their lives (their photos) so you can compare where they are to where you are today.
My husband recently told me that he added a prior girlfriend to his facebook and I honestly don’t have any problem with it because I trust him. The problem I do have is that I just question his motive as to why he would add her. But I totally wish he felt the way you do. It shows total respect for the person you are with. Just felt I needed to respond to your comment because it showed total commitment and honor to your wife.
I am reading ” I trust” a lot on these posts. Also, many of you are expressing no concern, being just fine with it and so on. You may trust your spouse. But how well do you know the ex, if at all. You have no idea what the ex is thinking, what’s going on in their lives, or how they really feel about your spouse. I can’t stress enough, how bad this idea is. A question was posed to my husband from one of his friends. The only friend he has with any integrity. My husband wanted to go to a party where she was going to be, at her request . Without me. The friend asked, ” Why would you give her that satisfaction and boost her ego at your wife’s expense?” Yes, why in the hell would he?
KMy wife just did the same thing.. truth be ToldD I’m having a very hard time trying to figure out how to handle this…and she Is acting like it is absolutely s no big deal. Like I’m crazy. And she lies to me about it for a couple minutes as well which I think speaks volume. And the big thing to me is she is the one who sent the request . If it had been the other way around I really don’t think I would have minded. She does not lock her phone and its always laying around . So its not like she really tries to hide it but I’m pretty sure she knows I do not go in it either. It just kept beeping so I picked it up to see the notification her request was sent. I also think that she does not think I new who he was… the situation. Suckz and I’m feeling like I almost wanna pack up. That’s sounds crazy cause its not like were newley weds . We been married for 4 years and on and off for 14 before that . We have kids together and she is the o lay woman I ever loved . Just could never seem to want anyone like I do her . That being when we had our down time before marriage
We had come a long way . But this for some reason is hitting me so very hard that I want to ….no I don’t want to but I feel like I should leave.. it is the last thing I want and she swears I’m crazy and she is so sorrgy but I really don’t know…why the fuck did she do that…I’m so in a shitty way about this. And I know a lot of people would say I’m bugging but I also think a lot would say if that’s how my gut feels then its right… I just wanted to write about if to get it off my chest and out there. Its embarrassing
You said “she swears I’m crazy and she is so sorry” — that doesn’t sound consistent at all. Does she acknowledge she did something wrong (“she is so sorry”) or does she think you’re crazy for thinking anything is wrong? She can’t really be taking both positions…?
Thanks to you and Jem for giving a different perspective on Facebooking old boyfriends/girlfriends when you’re married. Excellent comments!
My wife and I are both friends with former relationships of ours but they were all from high school. We both trust each other so it does not really bother us.
We’ve had a similar situation come up recently. An old flame from university days contacted me via email asking me if I would be interested in doing some contract work for him. I discussed this with my man, saying that if he was in any way uncomfortable with me accepting the offer of work (which will be completed electronically, rather than in a face-to-face setting) then I would decline. SB however told me to go for it, that it was a great opportunity for us to increase our personal finances and meet our goals earlier.
We have been open with each other about significant partners in the past and SB knows that I want him, always and forever. It’s not a problem for us.
We usually discuss it if the Situation comes up. He’s more inclined to let me friend my former flames than I am him. Bit of a double standard. So I have since deleted them just so it doesn’t look unfair
This will vary from person to person, but the litmus test for me would be: “Where does this take my thoughts?” If you can think of that person outside of Facebook or in the context, and consistently think to yourself, “Yes, I’m definitely glad I’m not married to that person. And these are all of the reasons why…(including how much you love your spouse)”, then in your own book, I think things are crystal clear. It’s okay to wish them well and want to keep up with their current interests, but if you have *any* doubt in your mind that you are not supposed to be romantically involved with them, on a mental or emotional level, it’s better not to friend them and thereby have them come to mind on a frequent basis.
Remember, infidelity starts in the mind, with your thoughts.
Obviously, if your spouse’s feelings are hurt by your contact with a person, that should also be respected. That is one fight I would never want to pick; there is no way your Facebook account should take priority over a spouse’s feelings, no matter how groundless.
My husband is friends with several exes on Facebook and it doesn’t bother me. They are all high school ex-girlfriends, all people that I knew throughout all of high school as well. I am actually Facebook friends with one of them as well. They play absolutely no part in his actual life now and since it was high school, ultimately played little part in his life overall. I also know that if I ever told him that I wanted him to defriend all of them, he would, without ever batting and eye.
I recently came across this article which talks about this very thing: http://www.kyria.com/topics/marriagefamily/marriage/helphealing/forbiddenfruit.html
Every single betrayed spouse trusted their cheating spouse. And most wayward spouses don’t walk out the door or let an old flame back in their lives with the thought, “I’m going to have an affair.”
It happens, sometimes it happens with boundaries slowly eroding. I believe it’s better to acknowledge there’s a possibility of it happening and be proactive in protecting your marriage than to throw the blanket of trust over everything and ignore the every day stress and temptations that tend to lead to affairs.
Jem, I love it, you are just so wise! Thanks 🙂
I am going through something like this now. My husband friended his ex from basic training, they exchanged numbers years ago and have secretly talked on the phone. They occasionally exchange messages on Facebook. Then all communication stops for awhile. Recently she texted him a pic of them going through basic training together. I did not go through his phone, he was driving and asked me to text his friend that’s when I saw the message. I was upset and told him I didn’t like them having conversations especially on the phone. He doesn’t seem to care of my feelings. Should I friend her on Facebook? We don’t have an issue…it’s just her really, whenever she likes or comments on his pics. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Should I friend her? My husband even put me on a private list on Facebook after it came up on my newsfeed that he liked and commented on a pic of hers. I confronted him about it. He then puts me on a private restricted list so that his likes wont show up on my news feeds again. He is so sketchy. I wouldn’t do to him what he’s done to me. I respect him and our marriage enough not to put myself in situations like that.
I think allowing one discomfort or fear of my spouse is a dis-service to me and to my spouse and to our marriage. Would you avoid flying on a plane because your spouse is afraid of flying? Would you avoid going in a skyscraper because they are afraid of heights?
I think marriage is a place to work with your spouse on your and their insecurities. In a good marriage, we face our discomfort and our fear as a couple and talk through it. As long as your marriage is faithful, there is room for old friends and old flames.
There is value in exploring your insecurities. Are they based on the current state of affairs in your relationship? Then they are a welcome red (or perhaps yellow) flag. Are they based on a past infidelity in another relationship? Then it is a sign to work on your insecurities. You will never grow past them if you don’t try. And you will always feel insecure and afraid.
And, yes, I was cheated on in my first marriage. But with work I have learned that his infidelity was not about me and is certainly not about this marriage. A blessing of marriage is that it brings up your insecurities and false ideas and, ideally, gives you a safe place to work on them. And to feel better. And to be better.
It seems as if trust is the key…and how you use the forum. If you friend someone and don’t really interact with them, that’s one thing. If you friend them and start an ongoing dialogue about your lives, that’s a whole ‘nother thing!
Absolutely. But I think the real issue is respect. Your ex is your ex for a reason. It didn’t work, so goodbye . What do you need that completely irrelivent situation in your life in any way for at this point. It’s a contaminant . Why even risk it? Isn’t your marriage and your spouse worth it? Isn’t your spouse worth letting these people know, you are happy and are not willing to give anyone anything that might possibly communicate their might be an open window? Marriage is hard enough without adding unnecessary stress or concerns.
I have a friend whose partner won’t even add her on facebook so she won’t be able to see who he is friends with. Apparently she had questioned some of them, and he didn’t like it so now she can’t see anything happening on his facebook. I think it sounds incredibly dodgy.
I say no. I got a friend request from an ex-girlfriend (I’m 12 years married, and this was a girlfriend from High School) this past summer that I accepted without thinking. I told my wife about it, and she didn’t ask me to defriend her, but I could tell the whole thing was not a good situation. I defriended her anyway, but the whole thing didn’t really clear up between my wife and I for another very stressful two weeks. My wife isn’t a paranoid person–I readily admitted that I got quite a rush from hearing from my old flame, and we wound up talking (my wife and I) a lot about what that meant. I never met with or even spoke to the ex girlfriend; I think if I had, that would have planted too much in my wife’s head.
Many people have said something to the effect of “if the two of you don’t interact it’s OK.” My take is this: if the two of you aren’t going to interact, why friend the other person?
I suppose I could see if you were all still actual friends, that might be OK, but my wife and I aren’t in that situation. I’ve seen way too many of our friends’ marriages broken up before our eyes. It’s too common that things drive a wedge between couples; I value my marriage (and respect my wife) FAR too much to voluntarily allow anything in that could have that affect.
I guess it’s a matter of trust really. If you don’t have a level of communication with your current spouse that allows you to become reacquainted with an old friend, do you really have a good marriage? Are you not just postponing the inevitable if such an action causes friction between you? Jealousy is a difficult and irrational thing but sometimes you do have to analyse it as an emotion and take yourself in hand. That emotion can drive a wedge between two people as surely as the physical interaction between two old flames.
Perhaps discretion is the better part of valour and it is wiser to ignore such an invitation but what does it say about you or your relationship if you cannot trust yourself to behave during communication with an old flame or if the mere extension of the hand of friendship would cause your other half to be upset about the motivation behind such an invitation?
I haven’t “friended” any exes although I have done internet searches on them occasionally. This always makes me glad I stopped dating them! My husband keeps contact with a couple of exes on Facebook but it doesn’t bother me. We have very open communication so I know where I stand with him. He has no desire to get back together with them, especially the one with extreme religious views.
Wow! You guys have such great insight and perspective to add to these conversations!
Personally, my opinion is that it’s not a big deal IF (and only if) it’s not a big deal to your spouse. I always measure “gray areas” like this by Bethany’s feelings on the matter. If she has even an inkling of uncomfortableness by the idea that I’m going to engage in a relationship (even an innocuous Facebook relationship), then it’s a no-go. It’s that simple in our marriage.
While I read this article, I kept thinking NO WAY..then I realized I have an ex as a friend. I think the circumstances of the break-up, and the relationship you had before you dated, as well as your spouses relationship with the person and the persons current situation/status all factor in whether this is appropriate.
In my situation, the breakup was a bad one, though we were really good friends before we got “together”. My wife actually forgave this person and become casual friends with her, before I ever even considered it.
Pre-marital sex is a HUGE factor in this as well. My wife and I were both virgins when we got married, but if we had slept with these exes that were requesting friend invites on Facebook, that’s very different and highly inappropriate in my opinion.
This is a juicy topic! I am friends with a couple of x-bf’s, but I don’t think it bothers my current boyfriend. If however in 20 years, I am married, and some old bf from 25 years ago wants to friend me, I doubt I would go for it. What happened in that moment 25 years ago I think remains in the moment 25 years ago. Now is now. I like to let the past go…
I unfriended my one and only ex-boyfriend (other than my husband, obviously), but remain friends with my one high school crush, though we don’t interact that often on Facebook. He was also in our wedding party, so my hubby knows him fairly well.
Now, if my ex-boyfriend was to try to friend me again, that would be awkward, and I probably would ignore his reuqest.
Wow. Trust is such a nebulous concept when you think about it and so many people are banking their marriages on that word. The nearly 30,000 members at the infidelity recovery site I read- we all thought we could trust our spouses and the wayward spouses didn’t think they would ever cheat.
I am saddened by some of these replies. I’m not saying we should treat our spouses as though they are actually in affairs but rather acknowledge that they do happen, more often than most people realize. That we should be proactively protecting our marriages because our chosen life partners are worth more than someone we left in our past for a reason.
My phone cut me off. All of those mitigating factors people mention…I’ve seen people w/ those same factors in their marriages posting on affair recovery boards. Happy marriages, marriages w/ no prior sexual partners, trusting marriages, people who communicate…it can happen to anyone for various reasons and there seems to be a couple of common denominators in wayward spouses.
One, there is something broken in them that makes them think they are entitled to cheat instead of choosing divorce or marriage counseling. Another is that there is a slippery slope that leads to infidelity. It starts with small pushing of boundaries between friendships and the marriage, focusing elsewhere, denial, dreams of a fairytale life.
This is where an old flame can cause big problems. Forgetting why they are exes, painting a perfect picture out of what-ifs.
I’m not saying distrust your spouse. I’m saying love your spouse, love each other enough that nobody is worth even the risk of losing your spouse. The only place I ever want to “see” any of you is here…I never want any of you to ever have to join the other community I am a part of. I am not coming from a disillusioned place. I have spent years reading up on infidelity and reading the stories of others who have been through affairs and recovering from the actions of others. I’ve seen thousand of posts from both sides- waywards and betrayeds: If only I knew…
If even one person starts an open and honest conversation with their spouse…if one person turns to their spouse in times of stress instead of a ‘feel good’ ex flirtation, then opening up my pain for the world to see is worth it.
Jem I 100 percent agree with you ….. I know exactly what you are saying because I have myself gone through this.
Try to stop saying “trust” as if you trust them so nothing bad could ever happen …. we all do or did until they cheated. You can trust your spouse, however don’t be so blind to think that you are immune from infidelity.
My husband accepted a friend request from an ex high school girlfriend on FB and I “trusted” him and didn’t think much of it. 1 yr later I found out they were emailing over a seven month period on an email acct he created just for her. How did I find out? She got upset he stopped emailing her and she decided to tell. There emails were inappropriate I felt due to the fact you are hiding an email acct, lying, and reminiscing, nurturing and emotionally comforting someone other than your spouse. It was also inappropriate because they were having conversations about my marriage with him and there were some insults thrown my way, he neglected. Oh yes when your spouse wants his cake, he will have to say bed things about you …. but as I told him the only reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because there is usually more manure! Now he stopped on his own, months before she decided to “tell” on him …. guilt? I don’t know, don’t care because the damage has already been done.
I will say this if you love your spouse, then what need would there be to invite an ex onto your social network page. An ex is an ex for a reason and it is selfish to look back when you could be looking forward with your spouse.
I would probably Friend the person just to reconnect with her. Then, I would tell my wife. Luckily, she is not jealous and has a great head on her shoulders and there would be no issues. In addition, we have a great marriage and are very secure with each other.
Now, if it was my wife and her old boyfriend, I would probably feel weird but would get over it quickly. She might even ask my permission to Friend which is her polite manner. Either way, in a good marriage there should be no secrets and both parties should feel safe with regards to past relationships.
This is a very good topic and the responses are interesting.
Kevin – Don’t you think that’s a bit of a double standard? You know that your wife would talk to you about it before “friending” her ex, but you would “friend” first and tell your wife later? Not to mention you said you would feel weird (even if it was just for a short while) about it. If you know that’s how you would react don’t you think you owe your wife the same courtesy (of telling her first and “friending” only with permission)? Food for thought.
My husband looked up an old girlfriend on facebook and within 3 days they were professing their love to one another. An emotional affair soon progressed to a physical affair. Needless to say I was devestated and quickly filled for a separation. Seven mths. into the affair he realized what he had given up and expressed a genuine interest in rebuilding our marriage. My husband has since returned home, but it is going to be a long road to repair the pain and broken trust . we are attending marriage counselling and I know complete healing with come as we process through the past. Please pray for us that we will draw strength from the Lord and learn to completely rely on Him to carry us through. Our marriage is already stronger than it was for a very long time and I know that He is faithful to enable us to work through the hard issues.
My husband of 3 years has 3 ex girlfriends that he’s “friends” with. I don’t really like it, especially since one is perpetually trying to make him realize how every man wants her with a every-so-often update on her current string of men. Another one wants us all to “get together” with her and her current beau, and she’s now on Google Latitude-which tells him where she is. He says it’s so he knows where she’s talking about traveling… And I’m wondering why are they talking about her travels anyhow?
Kari- I would suggest that you, and your husband, read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (http://www.shirleyglass.com/ there’s a quiz to take at that site too). Also a book on boundaries, like the one by Cloud and Townsend. Even if he’s not having an affair with one of them, he should know how to recognize the slippery slope that so many waywards hurtle down in the course of building an affair by breaking boundaries. The wayward forum on survivinginfidelity.com is filled with people who saw too late they protected their ‘friendships’ above the marriages.
Sometimes people just blame the potential betrayed spouse, saying that s/he is insecure or controlling. That’s an issue with society, not the spouse usually. When we pick a partner for life, we should be making sure that our walls are built tall and strong, keeping other people out of our marriages. Not our lives, but our marriages. The issue comes when people don’t see the lines between their lives with others and their marriages. We block out our spouses from parts of our lives from selfishness or fear while letting other people in with small confidences and intimacies. It all leads to damaging the walls of the marriage until they begin to crumble.
Jem, Wow! You have so many interesting insights. Thank you. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. He was a widower with 2 toddlers, and I with one. While we were dating, he broke up with me for a couple months to “sow his oats.” We got back together (obviously), and we married in 2011. I just noticed a girl commenting on his Facebook pictures of our kids (we’ve not legally adopted each other’s, but we are both the only parents any of them know). So I snooped and found private messages on and off between him and a girl he dated during our brief break-up. Kind of flirty…she’s still single. They had slept together. I knew he had dated during our pre-marriage break up. Apparently this girl was also a friend of his deceased wife. Anyway, I was/am very hurt. He deleted her from Facebook, and sort of understands my hurt feelings. The last thing I want is to sound possessive and jealous for no reason. But I am not about to let some you-know-what weasel her way into my family. Also, I know we all have pasts…I dated someone during our break-up, also. But he isn’t my Facebook friend, or any kind of friend. We haven’t spoken since we broke up, and I have no intention or desire to. Do I need to keep a closer eye? I hate feeling this way. He thinks I’m over-reacting, but deleted her out of respect. He said my confidence was one of his favorite things about me, but that I am acting insecure.
I personally have had issues with my spouses female friend who at the time was both of our friend. She decided to tell me how to arouse my spouse. The thought must not have crossed her mind that we have been married for 20 years & I know how to arouse my own spouse. When I message her back & told her that her talking sex to me with her friend & my spouse was inappropriate & told her about the fact that he had an emotional affair years ago with a lady that did this same thing. I at that time was green & didn’t know any better. So me & his friend should not talk about anything inappropriate. a few days later she decides to write on her status update when is a friend to say enough is enough & a friend needs to cut loose of the other person in their life that is making the miserable & humiliation them. Please that statement alone was humiliating enough for anyone. So I wrote a note about what a true friend is. They are loyal they don’t pry into your family business they need to quiet being a noisy meddling friend & be a true loyal friend. Shortly after that she writes me a message saying that someone had came in from Tennessee & posted something on her computer so she was going to be deleting everyone except for family. never mind you that my hubby is still on her friends list. Therefore she just lied to me. after her message about how to arouse my spouse insulted me & humiliated me she then decides that it was also necessary to delete me as well. I say good riddance to her. maybe I won’t be receiving anymore unwanted advise from a lady who is in the process of a divorce herself.
How would you feel if you were the one receiving the friend request? Would you feel the need to ask your spouse before you accepted or ignored it?
— I would consult my spouse of respect for her feelings. If there were any hint that the ex was interested in continuing/deepening a relationship, I’d definitely not add as a friend.
Would you care if your spouse “friended” an ex-boyfriend or ex-wife?
— It would depend on the nature of the relationship. If the relationship was described to be extremely hot sexually, I might feel threatened. If the relationship was described as unhappy or riddled with infidelity, I’d wonder why it was important to keep the person as a friend. If the spouse had a history of cheating in prior relationships, trust, in general, might be an issue.
Do you think Facebook and other social media relationships are totally harmless, or does it actually mean something when you accept “friend” status with someone?
— I think that the friend status can mean something when seen by others. If other people in you or your spouses friends see a name in your friends list, they may think something of it, especially an ex, and especially if the ex’s relationship was known to have been painful.
My spouse has an ex on her friends list and it bothers me. I asked her about it, she blew up about trust; she removed him from her news feed, but kept as a friend. Base on facebook functionality, she no longer sees his posting without going to his page, but he sees her postings unless he opts out.
Facebook makes it easy to keep in touch with people without lifting a finger. I don’t trust the ex’s motives.
I Say no. My husband recently friended a highschool sweetheart and didn’t tell me about it. I found out by accident and then found out they’d been inboxing each other. I don’t really think anything was going on, but I felt betrayed by his secret communication with her.
I believe it is wholly inappropriate to friend exes. Let’s face it, we’re human, the only reason we were friends with them in the first place, is because we were involved intimately. How do you transform to platonic and bring them as friends into your married life? As far as I’m concerned a recipe for disaster, and just putting yourself at risk of stirring up old flames. Leave things alone!!
The reason I am even here is because I looked this topic up.. My husband just blew up because I friended an old friend who I had messed around with and we chatted up a bit.. He is in a relationship and happy and we had Totally innocent conversation, which I showed my hub the whole of.. and he still lost his mind.. In asense I understand because I know he is a bit of an insecure person..But in the same token I feel like you shouldn’t have to put your spouse in a box to ‘avoid temptation’. they should be put right smack dab in the middle of temptation, and if they remain faithful then thats how you build trust and confidence in one another.. Trying to avoid temptation is basically to me an admission of weakness… You are admitting that if you are given a window of opportunity you will probably take advantage.
I would also like to add that my husbands ex is still amoungst our group of friends.. I actually like her and we get along very well.. I feel absoluely nothing about the fact that they used to date.. As far as i’m concerned if they wanted to be together they would be.. and if he cheated then I would know he wasn’t for me.
My relationship with my husband is actually great.. I don’t understand how he can feel so insecure.. he’s never been betrayed before… I guess some people just are like that.
@Trish, I have to respectfully disagree with this:
“they should be put right smack dab in the middle of temptation, and if they remain faithful then thats how you build trust and confidence in one another.. Trying to avoid temptation is basically to me an admission of weakness…”
Every relationship goes through highs and lows — relatively speaking. I’m not saying that during the “lows” that any spouse would cheat, I’m just saying that some days are better than others. When you take that and combine it will every other factor imaginable — finances, health, life changes, hormones — relationships are hard enough without throwing temptation in the mix on top of all that.
Proverbs 5 reads:
1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
turn your ear to my words of insight,
2 that you may maintain discretion
and your lips may preserve knowledge.
3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
and her speech is smoother than oil;
4 but in the end she is bitter as gall,
sharp as a double-edged sword.
5 Her feet go down to death;
her steps lead straight to the grave.
6 She gives no thought to the way of life;
her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.
7 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
do not turn aside from what I say.
8 Keep to a path far from her,
do not go near the door of her house,
9 lest you lose your honor to others
and your dignity[a] to one who is cruel,
10 lest strangers feast on your wealth
and your toil enrich the house of another.
Note the writer’s advice: “Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house” he doesn’t say “meet her for lunch someplace cozy, but don’t kiss her. Call her on the phone when your wife isn’t home, chat with her online when no one’s looking over your shoulder; meet her for dinner when your wife’s out of town, but don’t have sex with her.” The writer knows that it’s hard enough to do the right thing WITHOUT temptation, so we should FLEE (Also see 1 Timothy 6) ANY kind of temptation — don’t get close to it, cross to the other side of the street, move to the other side of town.
I’d be curious to see how many people who have 20+ year marriages would disagree.
One more thought — you said “if they remain faithful then thats how you build trust and confidence in one another” — once you’re married, you’ve promised your spouse that you will always be faithful — that your promise, and theirs to you. There’s no “IF” they remain faithful — you both need to do everything you can to HELP the other in that promise, not play “let’s see if he/she can resist THIS time!” games. There’s just too much at stake to not stack the deck in your favor.
Exactly. Great passage, by the way. In marriage, there really shouldn’t be a question of “if” they remain faithful. We promised it during our vows, in front of God and a witness (or witnesses). If you’re not ready for that, then do not get married and subject your partner to possible infidelities.
Just a wonderful thread that I discovered and thoroughly enjoyed everyones opinion….with that said I am reaching out for advice.
Married almost 20 years. 2 beautiful children- 1 freshman in college 1 freshmen high school. We own a business together and have worked side by side now 10+ years. It has been a challenge at time being around each other 24/7 but we have had a super relationship and always worked through the issues to be happy and seemingly content.
I met my wife in college and I chased her for 3 years eventually becoming intimate late senior year once but she still kept her distance. After that she still played the game and really didn’t commit to a relationship partly because school was going to end in a couple of months and who knew where anyone was going to end up.
Graduation happened and I was about to move on but we ended up spending an amazing summer together that was one for the ages. We feel deeply in love and eventually moved in together about 10 months later. A few years passed and just before we got married I found an old sketchbook/journal of hers from senior year at college… she wrote several passage about a flame in college that I knew which she had great passionate feelings for but at the time he was in a serious relationship with another person. He was a handsome and charming guy that I could see my wife light up when she was around him. Never thought much about it but I did notice since we weren’t dating. Soon after college he eventually married his long time girlfriend and after about 16 years (last year) recently divorced.
Going back to the journal I saw where see wrote about our first time together, I literally turned the page and there was a passage which referenced a night she had been intimate together with this other guy during a particular movie- just a few short weeks after we had been together. She wrote in the journal how she professed her “love for him that he’ll never know.” Right or wrong at the time I confronted her and she told me about her feelings that she had for him but time had passed and she was with me and that is all that mattered is what I vaguely remember- a lot running through my head at the time. Overall I look back and her explanation never sat well with me or was entirely convincing. We managed to work through things and life went on. We eventually got married a couple of years later- had children, grew even closer together and moved across country several years later where we still reside.
A few years back my wife got into Facebook and eventually connected with all our friends from college and eventually her old flame (more hers than his I believe). He eventually friend requested me which I thought why not and accepted.
There were times there was this banter back and forth between them on FB. He eventually separated from his wife and divorced (they have two beautiful kids). My wife was close friends to them both and she exchanged emails and spoke to them both at length separately on the phone but there was never a “we have to save their marriage” and intervention like we did with a couple of other friends marriages that failed or were failing. Coincidentally his farther had left him and his mother about the same age as his kids and it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that he was destined to the same fate- from my standpoint he has seemed to brush things under the table. Comments like “Oh the kids are cool with this and my new apartment” etc., each parent tries to outduel the other on FB in front of friends and family with the time they spend with their kids with postings…very very sad. We found out that he worked/traveled a lot and the wife discovered he was fooling around with someone at the office. Again not one to judge but not the best character. Regarding FB – my wife would Like the majority of his posts but never the wifes.
At the time we were going through some challenges due to business stress and both her parents being ill. Eventually her father passed and soon after her flames father passed – so there was this connection that seemed all too familiar from my standpoint. I believe they spoke and found comfort in speaking to each other due to the series of life events that happened to them both.
I have always been cursed with this sixth sense about people and I am usually right 9 times out of 10 about people’s character, intentions or motivations. I feel that FB allows her to peer into his life without being there. Last year on Valentines Day as I was walking by her office as I see her answer the phone and bang there goes that smiling facial glow I had seen before. I just knew it was probably him- it had been years. She didn’t say much and walked out the door to the restroom. She eventually came back and stayed in her office for a while. That afternoon I asked who it was and she said it was him. Curiously I asked what was the reason and she said she thought a local Convention related to his business that happened to take part at our facility would be something of interest to him- she had invited him clear cross country for the event. Wow…needless to say I was incredibly upset- he never made the trip but this caused a short rift between us which we eventually worked through.
My insecurity has grown to be consuming at times as I just feel she is always has this clear insight into his life through FB that infuriates me. Is there this what if now that he is single again- just keeps wearing me down. I found out they had talked about doing a Skype call with each other while I was away on business shortly after their call and they talked about doing it over a glass of wine with winks. We have each other passwords because we own the business together and any emails between them end like “I do have a lot to ask and to share and look forward to reconnecting soon. So wish it could be over a good glass (bottle) of wine. Lots of love…”
Overall I love this woman which grows each day. Our family means the world to us and we work hard day in and day out to enjoy each other. We travel and like the finer things in life. Sexually things are off the charts between us and we mutually satisfy each other in amazing ways. My wife is an emotional person which has been amplified by her dad’s passing- that being away from home for all these years she has used as an excuse bring up about being unhappy at times. We didn’t get back to after over the years but since our daughter is there in college we have been back 6 out of the last 8 months.
Last week while I was traveling we had an incident that I self-inflicted by checking up on her- she was not happy and accusing me of always needing to know what she was doing – which I am guilty off which again I detailed above. I began to worry how my insecurity was getting in the way of things. I got home and we made up – that next day as I was spinning this last episode through my head trying work out the reasoning and rationale I realized that the journal (yes its still around) and her writings for this other man is at the root of the issue. I pull the book out and reread what I hadn’t laid eyes on for 20 years. It became painful again but I kept it inside and just dealt with it.
You can’t script for this stuff… That evening we head over to some friends house for a dinner and don’t you know the satellite radio station starts playing the soundtrack of “that movie” that my wife was intimate with this other guy. Not a song or two but all the songs spaced out for almost three hours!! WOW! She even said to everyone “I haven’t seen this movie in years” laughingly…”we don’t ever listen to them – not sure why” Well what do you think is going through my head.
She is now on a business trip visiting our daughter and will be back tomorrow. During the resolution of our last tat- I had eluded to wanting a deeper conversation but didn’t go into details. My goal and hopes is to share my deepest concerns, insecurities and desire for us to purge this person/events from our lives. My concern is that she holds onto this relationship and will get upset at me asking for her to unfriend him from all social media and destroy these journals based on what this is doing to our marriage or has the potential to do- need to refocus and move forward.
Really need help from the group with advice as to how I should approach this or if I am the one who needs help. In business I take no prisoners and am very successful handling global corporations and very demanding projects– in this matter that impacts our marriage it is a different matter… I want to put this behind us love this woman unequivocally but really no sure how this disclosure/demand will play out….
Thoughts?
Wow. I’m going to guess that if she thought this was a potentially marriage-ending situation, she’d cut it off completely and immediately. The trick is letting her know that without it being threatening. I can’t tell from what you said how clear/blunt you’ve been about how you feel about her continuing a relationship (and that’s what this is — she is continuing a relationship) with this man. Dig deep and think about the best way to communicate the idea that regardless of whether it’s totally baseless or not, you’re completely freaked out and that you want her to drop all communication with him whatsoever, and how betrayed you’d feel if stays in touch. Obviously you need an honest assessment of whether there’s anything you might be doing that would bother her, as well, such that you don’t come across as a controlling hypocrite.
Tough situation, but I wouldn’t let it fester any longer. Talk of “lots of love” and bottles of wine should stay between YOU two.
My husband just got a friends request from an old girlfriend, that was fine, I guess?? She is single and posts lots of “selfies” some in underwear, etc. I am the hard working, two jobs, three kids, putting one through college “mom.” Sexy went out a long time ago so yes I was a little bit jealous of this single woman. Then the other day I saw notifications on my husbands old phone that was still connected to his facebook but not running, that they were sending messages to each other and then he was deleting them. I am a very upfront person so I asked him about it and said that it just wasn’t sitting right with me. He is mad at me for not trusting him, yelled at me, and then now since will not kiss me goodbye and does not say I love you when we leave to go to work or anything. I am so hurt by all of this but somehow he feels I am in the wrong. By the way, they are still friends. I sent her a friends request because I felt like if you are talking to my husband maybe I should get to know you as well, idk………she has not accepted my friends request……hmmmmm. Can’t stop crying……..
What Malissa said should to a warning to you all. Just because it everything seems fine (?) at the moment, and your relationship is going great, don’t flirt with disaster. Picture this: your spouse comes to you and shares that an “ex” sent them a friend request, and it’s someone you both remember and get along with fine, so you say “sure, no problem” and everything IS fine. For a while; maybe a year or two. Then you and your spouse go through a rocky patch, while coincidentally the ex is recently available, and you’ve stopped paying attention to the relationship. Your spouse starts chatting with the ex about live in general, and you come up, and now they’re talking to the ex about you and your relationship… you see where this is going?
Once again I’ll post this scripture:
24 And now, O sons, listen to me,
and be attentive to the words of my mouth.
25 Let not your heart turn aside to her ways;
do not stray into her paths,
26 for many a victim has she laid low,
and all her slain are a mighty throng.
27 Her house is the way to Sheol,
going down to the chambers of death.
(Proverbs 7:24-27, ESV, but go read Proverbs 7)
The idea is is to flee from temptation — don’t fight it, or manage it, or defeat it. Don’t even “stray into her paths.”
When you got married, you burned your ships (like Cortez: https://www.andyandrews.com/eblast/051507.html) — you have no other recourse but to draw near to your spouse; there’s no other option and you don’t need any other men/women or romantic interest in your life.
If you haven’t already, BURN YOUR SHIPS.
Food for thought folks.
Facebook is only another method of communication.
Prior to Facebook would it have been acceptable for your spouse to send a letter to a old boyfriend /girlfriend or call them on the phone to check in ???….it would not have been acceptable nor do I believe any good can come from communicating with someone that you were involved with emotionally in the past.
The potential for hurt feelings etc. is definitely not worth the risk with your current relationship.
What if it were taken a step further than just friending an ex ? What if your husband or wife began private messaging their ex on facebook? What if it was done behind your back? What if they were writing on each others walls, reminiscing with each other about the past once a month? Well that is what is happening with my Wife currently and I haven’t the slightest idea how to approach her about it. I know I will be told I am controlling, jealous, insecure, etc. I am on board with Doug here. If social media didn’t exist, we would never think to call or write to our old flames. That would be considered wrong or inappropriate. Why then is facebook chatting so acceptable these days? I think an ex should remain in the past. Keep the special memories and the good times you shared. Those are what make us who we are. But when you began chatting with an ex, it stirs up old feelings, emotions, memories. Very dangerous in my opinion.
Trust me Rob, you have to get this stopped! 80% of all internet affairs end up “sexualized”….this is what happened to us. I believed him, for 3 years, that it was just innocent facebook chatting with an old flame…it maybe was at the beginning, but sure did not end up that way! If she makes an issue of it, and won’t stop…you know where you stand!
Recently I have discovered that my wife of ten years has friended the same ex- Beau for the second time on FB. The first time I asked her to remove him because it made me uncomfortable (given our dating history prior to marriage…they worked together when we were dating and would end up seeing each other out at clubs often on the weekends… our first 6 mos. we were in a long distance relationship and I felt hopeless and trusting was very difficult for me, especially after I found out she called him one night after saying our goodnight’s). Last week i had a hunch and I just thought I would have a look at her FB, and wouldnt you know, I see him there again.
SHE HID Him From Her timeline and he’d been on there for the last 18 months! I confronted her and she told me not to blow it out of preportion. She did her best to defend her position, saying it was harmless and I have nothing to worry about..yada yada. I have no choice but to assume after this second time that they have been in contact and shes deleted the evidence. The first time, i tolerated it and it became “oops I’m sorry that it made you feel like that, won’t happen again” so this second time really pissed me off. Frankly, it hurt. I wouldn’t ever do that to her. So, i asked her to do some soul searching and resolve the issue for why she would allow this. Still no excuse other than she didnt think anything of it, she had a total lapse of memory from the previous time. I vehemently requested that she block him, which she did, somewhat reluctantly. I can tell you, from here forward, I’m not going to mess around with this garbage. If she wants to disrespect me and our marriage by keeping this prick a click away, then that decision will have consequences. As they say… once shame on you, twice shame on me. There will not be a #3. If this Fucker shows up somewhere again, it will put our marriage in jeopardy. As for trusting her right now… I’m so angry at her for this feeling of not being able to trust her… I don’t want to be that guy.. it’s so deflating and hopeless! This was the only guy I’d provably ever have an issue with her friending despite it being inappropriate anyway… my hunches with regards to his proximity to my wife have always been accurate. She knows that I don’t buy the “oops, I forgot” and she also knows that I know she’s full of it. She can fix this or wreck it. It’s up to her. I hope she makes the right choice. I love her more than anything else in this life. I believe that I have spent the last 13 years showing her that. When I play this over in my head, at the end of the day, maybe it is just FB, but it may as well have been a rendezvous aat a hotel, and it has made me feel like shit because the possibilities and implications from ir are endless. The bottom line is that it is inappropriate. People that wish to remain in a healthy partnership will see no value in allowing a former sex partner to upset the balance and trust that a healthy relationship affords.
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I wouldn’t. Everything that could go wrong in a relationship starts when you befriend an old fling. More especially when you are keeping it a secret from your parttner. My husband did that 2 months ago. Our relationship has changed. He now realized that he’s not afraid of losing me but afraid of losing her again. What i’m feeling right now is really hard.i
So I just found that my wife of 14 years has friended an ex. I will check her fb on her phone here and there when she posts pictures of our vacations sometimes. That’s when I noticed it. We have four kids and have had a very good marriage. However, over the past year or so we’ve had some minor issues that we are working through. I am not the jealous type, but this friending happened recently while we are working through these things and it is really bothering me. It bothers me because I wonder if she is still not happy and her mind is wondering to other things / past relationships. I also do not want this ex to have a glimpse into our life. Our kids, our vacations, etc. This ex has a long history of drug addiction and I am concerned he may try to make advances toward her and I feel he’s a threat to my family. I confronted her about it and asked if she is happy, if she thinks we are doing well and heading in the right direction, and if there is anything on her mind because I found the timing suspicious. She said no everything is fine and that he requested her and it’s not big deal because she has other ex’s as friends too. I don’t do FB so I don’t know. But I do know this is causing me a good deal of stress and I am suspicious and feeling jealous. I don’t want to over react, but I am inclined to explain my concerns to her and ask her to unfriend him. Does this seem reasonable or am I being over paranoid? I want to be level headed and mature about this because there is a lot at stake of course.
I’m not seeing a date on this thread. BUT.. My husband got around a lot when he was in school. He has many ‘ex’s’ as friend on fb. It’s never bothered me. UNTIL. Literally this past weekend. It was his birthday and he was spending a lot of time on his phone, to which I chalked up to him reading many Bday messages on fb, so on and so forth.
He needed a work email sent and asked me to draft it, because I’m much better at typing and writing an email than he is. While doing so, he stepped away and a messenger bubble popped up. I quickly swiped it away and continued the email. When he came back, I handed his phone back to him, jokingly stating “your ex gf sent you a messenger message.” He was like, “what?” So I repeated myself and laughed and went about my business.
He then came up to me and showed me a picture of a GIF of a topless woman, my best friends husband sent him wishing him happy birthday and proceeded to really stress this must have been what I saw. I said no, a bubble of a woman you’re friends with popped up. I didn’t open it, just swiped it away. He still insisted it was this message from our friend. Anyway, this is what got me going, sent a red flag. So I just took the phone, he willingly gave it to me and I opened messenger. The message from her hadn’t been opened, I opened it.
I then go on to read the small thread of 3-4 messages, inferring that there has been prior conversation that he had deleted. What was still there was a message from him to her asking “It’s my birthday and I sure could use a picture of a sexy woman.” To which she responds, “my birthday is next week, what am I going to get in return?”
I was devastated. He looked at me like I was crazy when I asked him why would he do this? He said he didn’t do anything, shrugged and said it’s no big deal. I never once worried before. First off, I’m 20 years younger than my husband. I’m driven, ambitious, we have a son together, have been married for 12 years ( his birthday was the 272th, our anniversary is the 29th, oh yes, happy 13th anniversary dear.) I’ve just never worried. I was more hurt I think about him just boldly lying to my face and then trying to down play what he did.
After all I’ve sacrificed and still do sacrifice this is how he wants to be? I know he’s an attention junkie and this woman is no threat truly. She will also play into anything that will give her attention. They are also states apart. It’s the intention that was the threat.
It’s bad all the way around. If the tables were turned, my life would have been made a living hell. When we first got together he was SUPER jealous of my ex and held being with him over my head for a long time. It made NO sense, but that’s the kind of man he is.
This is a bad idea, if there’s any temptation there, just don’t add that old flame or whatever it is. Don’t go there, it has the potential to damage so much.
Dr Amber is the professional lottery spell caster that helped me win the lottery, he can help you too. email him on; amberlottotemple @ gmail . com
I can't think of any good reason to be friends with exes on Facebook. Maybe if it's a high school boyfriend or girlfriend from a long time ago, but not recent ones or people you had significant adult relationships with. I wonder what is the benefit. When I was dating my husband he had lots of female friends on facebook who were current or former coworkers, neighbors, high school friends, and the like. After we married I found out he had dated many of them, some as recently as a few months before we met. I didn't see any of them post anything on his page hardly at all or if they did it was little stuff of no consequence, but he posted on their pages like saying they are beautiful on a photo. He said he was just being friendly and platonic but I didn't appreciate it. I think he is friends with every single woman he has ever dated or even taken on a few dates. I am not comfortable with it but he doesn't want to delete them. I don't think he is cheating he is just too friendly for my liking. I don't know why it is worth it to him to stay in touch with these women he dated before especially if he knows it makes me uncomfortable.