Today’s post is adapted from our book 15 Minute Marriage Makeover – Refresh Your Relationship, Add Sizzle to Your Sex Life & Be Happier in Just Minutes a Day. Please check out the end of the post for more information.
Have you encountered times in your marriage where one or both of you wanted to have sex, but there just wasn’t time or energy for it?
I know that we used to face this realization way too often in our own marriage.
We would exchange some “indications” earlier in the day that we were looking forward to an intimate evening.
Add More Sizzle to Your Sex Life
Download This Simple 10-Minute Tip to Break Free of the Bedroom Routine.
However, after a longer-than-usual time spent getting the kids to go to sleep, we would remember the need to straighten up the house for guests the next day or a work deadline would surface that needed immediate attention.
Before we knew it, one of us was busy working on a project while the other had fallen asleep on the couch.
At this point, it’s often easier to just say, “Let’s try again tomorrow. Good night.”
Today’s Lesson
So, how can we avoid this recurring problem where we feel there’s no time to have a quality sexual relationship with our spouse?
The simple answer is that we must make sex a priority in our marriage. Obviously, this is easier said than done, but there are practical ways to make it happen.
It all starts with our mindset.
I want you to imagine for a moment that you know that your spouse is not going to be alive tomorrow night.
Tonight is literally your last night together on Earth, and you know that both God and your spouse desperately want your last night together to be spent making love and sharing a deep intimacy with one another.
Now, do you have time for sex tonight?
Obviously, this is an extreme example, but the point is that we cannot treat sex with our spouse like another chore on our to-do list for the day.
We cannot say that we’ll have sex as soon as the “important” stuff like the dishes, laundry and baseball game are out of the way.
We’ll dig deeper into why sex is important to each of you in tomorrow’s lesson [note: the lessons in the book build on each other each day], but suffice it to say that a healthy sex life is the center of a healthy, thriving marriage.
And when you treat sex like just another chore, it becomes just another chore.
And that is not okay.
Today’s Couple Time Task
During your 15 minutes of Couple Time today, I’d like you to talk openly and honestly about where each of you sees sex fitting into your lives in terms of priorities. Discuss both where it sits in your own mind and where you observe it to sit in your partner’s mind.
Please be forewarned that there’s a very good chance that your personal perception will not be your spouse’s reality when it comes to this sensitive topic.
Do not get into a fight about who is right or wrong, but instead treat your partner’s thoughts as the truth.
After all, when it comes to your sex life, it’s truly their perception that matters.
Spend a few minutes talking about how you can make improved intimacy (including sex) a higher priority in your daily lives.
- When are some times when you could be intimate instead of doing other mundane things around the house?
- Where are some areas that you could improve in your overall intimacy, including those areas that don’t directly involve sex?
- What has been holding you back, and what can your spouse do to ease your burdens and help you desire more intimacy?
Finally, I’d encourage you to spend this evening pretending like it is your last evening together on Earth. 🙂
Today’s Tips
- Do not fall into the trap of using your Couple Time today to argue or point blame at each other. This is your time to be constructive and work together to improve the intimacy in your marriage.
- While sex is the culmination of physical intimacy, keep in mind that intimacy should be alive and well in many areas of your marriage.
- Some examples of intimacy outside of sex include recreational time spent together, physical activity together, spiritual intimacy, emotional connection and even financial intimacy.
- For in-depth and very “HOW TO” help improving both the depth of your intimacy and the frequency and quality of sex in your marriage, be sure to check out Intimacy Reignited.
This post is adapted from one of 28 powerful daily exercises that will take your marriage from good to extraordinary in just 15 minutes per day. To pick up your own copy (in Kindle, paperback or audiobook format) and take your marriage to the next level, just click here.
Add Sizzle To Your Sex Life
Download This Simple 10-Minute Tip to Break Free of the Bedroom Routine
Dustin – Thanks for this! Both wanting it, but not having the time is a growing problem in our increasingly busy lives.
You are absolutely right about priorities – if marriage, including sex, is not set as an extremely high priority, then it will get cheated. Set the amount of time you feel you should have, and if that goal is missed more than once in a great while, decide what you will remove from your life to make room for quality time, date nights, conversations, and yes, SEX.
Many years ago my bride and I realised that sex never occurred on Wednesdays. Our Wednesday night church service, which almost always ran over, meant we got the kids to be late, and had to be up early with them for school. If this was the only day of the week we had problems it would have been no big deal, but Tuesday and Thursday were also bad, and for reasons that would be difficult to change. So we dropped the Wednesday evening service until summer. (BTW, a friend of our, who was also in marriage ministry, chastised us for missing the services, and asked me what was more important. I said “sex” and he said “Oh, well I can support that!)
My point is that we sometimes have to make tough choices. While our walk with God was a higher priority than our marriage, going to church three times a week was not. With clear priorities the decision was clear.
Thanks for sharing such a powerful example from your life, Paul! It’s a bit crazy when we take the time to think about it, but sex has been trivialized so much in our culture that it’s way too easy to let it slip down our “to-do” list. It really must be intentionally made a central part of our marriages.
Dustin – this is such a good post. This is something my significant other and I do from time to time – check in with one another about our priorities and where we stand intimately. I am such a busy bee compared to my partner, which often puts sex lower on my priority list. This has been a problem in the past but he is always patient enough to remind me where it needs to be so that we can maintain a healthy relationship in & outside of the bedroom!
Glad you’re sharing this tip with all your readers. I never realized how important it was to do this but now that you mention it, I will try to more often! Thanks!
That’s fantastic, Alycia! Thanks for sharing your story, and I’m glad this “daily exercise” helped bring the intimacy in your marriage to the front of your mind.
Great post! Some health issues have gotten in the way in the past. We don’t do New Year’s Resolutions but this year we did recommit to being more “intentional” about having sex at least weekly. Entire relationship is soaring.
That’s awesome, Edward! Isn’t it amazing what a difference this can make in our entire married lives?
Very timely post Dustin. With two little ones puking all over the place for the past week, we have both been getting rather frustrated. We have found the most frequency in intimacy comes when neither of us are stressed-out busy. You’re right about making it a priority, we can often choose how busy we are!
So sorry to hear about the sick kids, Mike! That can certainly hurt the romantic mood. 😉
Your point about stress is spot-on, and if we desire more sex, one of the practical things we can do is ease the burdens of our spouse to free them up.
I like the Couple Time idea and it is better to use to improve the relationship and not for arguing. Your post is very informative. Thanks for sharing.
Being together should be the most important priority couples should have in their life.
Things get sick when the spouse finds that other half takes consideration of the happiness of his parents and crushing her dreams.
All perfectly great ideas…but it o ly works of both parties care enough to make the time, and if both partners are willing to give the other what they need…life a few hugs once in awhile. My husband just sits in front of the TV or computer depressed over his job. We i s 61, I am 58. He wants it, I want it, but with some intimacy,hugs and caring. After 10 years of never getting what I need, I. Just gave up. Now it’s a service, a chore. It can’t be one sided. He refuses to talk, read, or counseling.
Put that not the equation and see how well your advice works.
There are a few things that have an almost mythical quality about them: Bigfoot, The Abominable snowman, the Loch Ness monster, sex after marriage.
After being married for just on 20 years, sex has become a non-event. Our favourite daily activity is sitting on rhe couch, TV off, talking through our days, dreaming, planning, connecting. And its Not for want of trying; household chore-play (taking more and more of the households responsibilities to free up my wife to be less tired), flirting via phone calls and texts during the day, date nights, starting the “slow cooker” of passion by thoughtful, loving actions. Nada. And no, we don’t have babies, or sickness in the household, or major financial issues.
I love my wife, completely. But I have to say, sadly, that this is the hill I will die on.
It’s so nice to know that my husband and I are not alone! We have been married a four months, seven days, and a couple hours…but who’s counting??? haha. I’m glad I had time to read this post today. You’d think that being newly weds like us, we’d always make time, but life gets so busy and we both have so many responsibilities already. Thanks for the tips. We will be sure to use them!
Thanks for these bulletins. Been really helpful in me adjust my 5years old marriage back on the right track.
Thanks for these bulletins. Been really helpful to me in adjusting my 5 years old marriage back on the right track.
I needed this post. I am the busy one that is always tired and says “right now is not a good time.” I know that when I intentionally make sex a priority everything else falls into place…all the sudden he is doing more chores and and is in a better mood all together, I even get special dinners 🙂 ha ha! I guess I need to think of the perks beyond the moment. But it honestly reminds me of when I was little and I hated to get in the shower but as soon I was in my mom will be screaming to get me out! I get lazy with starting anything or making the time but then if I do it is easier to not say no and I look forward to it and enjoy it as much as him…its a great connection. But not sure why I then fall again in the bad pattern of saying no and has to start from the first gear again filled with guilt and self-consciousness…ugh may. I am going to try again for a more long-term change…we really need it
Hi Mara,
I’m glad you found this post helpful. We’ve been right where you are, and while we still have our “moments” we’re both generally much more open and available to intimacy. And like you said, it makes life better for our marriage, our household and even our kids!
I am just getting ready to announce a special event next week that I think would serve you well. You can check out the details here – https://www.engagedmarriage.com/sexworkshop
Best,
Dustin
I actually recommend couples treat each day as if it may be their last together, because you don’t know that it’s not. My wife had cancer and they said if the first round of chemo didn’t kill the cancer that she would die. When the first round did not kill the cancer, they tried another type of chemo and the surgeon and the oncologist were stunned that it worked.
But she had gone off the chemo for about three weeks to try to heal the bleeding. So she was in the hospital to start a seven day regimen, but she had gone off to chemo for about three weeks to try to heal the bleeding. The surgeon and the oncologist both said it looked good. She was dead 16 hours later. Being off the chemo have allowed the aggressive tumors to grow quickly and they broke her intestines open from the inside, which killed her with sepsis.
So despite the fact we had been told she would die, We were given some hope and then 16 hours later she was gone. Very unexpectedly.
In my grief group there were several men whose wives drove off to go to work and they did not know she was dead until a police officer or highway patrol man came to their door to tell them.
You do not know which day will be yours or your spouse’s last day. Treat every day as the special day that it is. You do not know if you will get another.
My wife is a Christian, as am I, so I know I will see her again. But I urge you and your spouse to treat every day is a special day, as the gift of God that it is.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Kyle. Your perspective is so valuable, and it’s touched me deeply.
Dustin
So true what you said about when you treat sex like a chore it becomes a chore.
Intimacy is very important in keeping the fire burning. Let’s keep it burning.
This is a great post, assuming your wife would, “desperately want your last night together to be spent making love and sharing a deep intimacy with one another.”
That’s not where my wife would go. She would want to call her kids, write letters to everyone, and maybe talk with me a little.
I know this because once she did think she would not be there the next day, and that’s what she wanted to do. On her last day, she would view sex as a waste of her precious time – certainly not on the list for the last days of her life.
The challenge for us is the large difference between what we each value, and intimate sexual time is not on her “value” list.
Can you help with that? Because I can’t (shouldn’t) work to change her, other than “get it off of my list”, I don’t see a solution.
But does he not realise that to volunteer for the chores without the expectation of sex would free you up for, well sex? He should be taking things off your plate.