I’ve had some pretty amazing orgasms with my husband, and each time I am in awe of God. In awe that of all the ways He could show off His creativity, He would choose this.
Oh my, what intense, profound, and whimsical depth of pleasure an orgasm is. Only you, God. Only you could come up with something like that. (I like to remind women and men that the clitoris serves no other purpose than a wife’s sexual pleasure. None. That’s its only job description).
Which is why when I hear from wives who have yet to have an orgasm – or who have extreme difficulty experiencing one – I morph into some kind of sex cheerleader, urging them to not give up.
“You do not want to miss out on this! Seriously. Please don’t give up. Don’t fake it. Don’t rob yourself of this. And don’t rob your husband of seeing you and feeling you experience this.”
Sure, I can hear your skepticism at my enthusiasm, as you mull over whether I’m making waayyy too big a deal about sexual climax in the marriage bed.
“Sex isn’t all about orgasm, Julie!”
True. But let’s not kid ourselves. It’s a lot about orgasm.
When a husband and a wife are physically able to be sexually intimate, yet their sexual encounters drift toward only the husband being sexually satisfied, what happens?
Not only does sex become boring, routine and chore-like to a wife in this scenario, it also becomes a source of tremendous resentment.
She begins to begrudge sex; find ways to avoid it; and possibly even blame him. And before long, the whole fabric of the marriage is taking a hit. Ironically, even he starts to not really enjoy sex, because she’s not into it. And how could she be? I mean, there’s no pleasure in it for her.
Sure, we’d like to think sexually unsatisfied wives could rise above all that, but human nature being what it is tells us that few wives (if any) really can just keep “taking one for the team” – without ever getting to hoist the trophy. And honestly, why would we want them to rise above it?
Why would we want them to keep missing out on the mind-blowing experience of sexual release?
If you are a wife who has never experienced an orgasm and have resigned yourself to never having one, there’s nothing – nothing – noble about your lack of sexual climax.
“But Julie, if God is such a generous God, why is this so difficult for so many of us wives? Why isn’t a wife’s orgasm as predictable as a husband’s?”
And I used to think that when I get to heaven, I would finally be able to ask God face-to-face my most perplexing sex questions (I know. Probably not what should be high on my priority list at that point, but if you’ve followed me at all, you can’t seriously be surprised I wonder these things, right?)
I think, though, I won’t have to wait for my answer, because I think God has already given it to me. (Probably figures He wants to squelch my annoying journalistic tendencies while He has me down here on earth. Who can blame Him?)
I believe God has created a unique opportunity for a husband and a wife to discover a level of intimacy they otherwise would miss if it was really easy for both of them to climax. If it was always easy for both a husband and a wife to have an orgasm, I think we would downplay God’s intention for sex to be this profound connection.
And if it was difficult for both a husband and a wife to have an orgasm, I think we would give up too easily, also missing out on that profound connection.
In the exclusivity of the marriage bed, God invites a husband and a wife to vulnerably and intentionally explore each other’s bodies, to teach each other sexual pleasure, to try new techniques.
Yes, the penis tends to be more predictable than the clitoris, which may leave us assuming that the wife must have greater patience. But think about the scenario again, okay? Do you see where both a husband and a wife need patience? Arousal is an opportunity; not a burden.
Wives, if you struggle experiencing orgasm, I pray you will hear my heart on this. Your sexual pleasure matters. If you have thought it doesn’t matter or if your husband has been indifferent, I encourage you to courageously shed light on this.
I was talking with a wife the other day who said it was 10 years into her marriage when she finally got the courage to talk to her husband about the reality that she had never had an orgasm. She knew that together they had to figure out how to change that unhealthy pattern into a healthier one where they valued pleasure for both of them.
Her marriage and their sexual intimacy are better today because of what at the time was an incredibly awkward conversation. Praise God she pushed through that hesitancy.
What about you? If you are a wife who struggles experiencing orgasm or if you are a husband with a wife who is missing out on sexual pleasure, what are you going to do today to start righting the ship?
For more reading on orgasm – because honestly, who doesn’t want to read more about orgasm – go to the orgasm page on my site (full of nearly 30 posts specifically about orgasm. Seriously. An entire page.)
Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband and their two boys. When she's not writing, she's probably drinking ridiculously overpriced coffee.