Leave a Comment:
(47) comments
with our success rate of love marriages so low, it is hard to be critical of other methods.
ReplyYou forgot to mention that India frowns on divorce, and girls who leave their husbands are often rejected by their families, so people are forced to stay together.
ReplyAs long as no one is being forced into an unwanted relationship, i quite like the idea of arranged marriages. Hopefully your parents and family want what is best for you, and usually they know you the best anyway.
I think that in western society, people get swept up in emotions and get married without really thinking about the consequences. I think that arranged marriages have the attitude that its for life, and that love is more than just emotions, its a choice you make everyday.
Yes Mary,
Though even here people rush into marriages and sometimes it turns out to be a bad idea. But one thing that sets Indian concept of marriage apart from the western concept is that we take marriages very seriously because we know divorce is not an option or it is not a good way out. So, we enter the deal carefully.
ReplyI agree Mary, especially with this part “people get swept up in emotions and get married without really thinking about the consequences.”
I’m all for love, but us “westerners” would be wells serve to spend time discerning and preparing for marriage – with the understanding that it is for life.
ReplyThis was an intriguing post. Thanks to Surabhi for sharing your story and to Dustin for hosting her. I do believe that here in the U.S. it is important to get family input when considering marriage. I was inclined to marry my husband before my family met him, but the positive response to him from my best friend and parents made me more sure of that decision. If all of your family or friends are naysayers about someone, listen to them. They know you, love you, and usually have your best interests at heart. They can also see some things that the rush of young love can blur. Great thoughts.
ReplyI loved reading this post- thanks for sharing!
I am Nigeria and even though arranged marriage isnt as common, having your parents/family blessing is very paramount before entering a marriage. In Nigeria as well, you are not just marrying the man but his family as well. As a result a lot of families do extensive background check into the other family histories and vice versa.
I know there are a few cases where the parents are just been unreasonable but more often than not most parents want what is best for their children.
Off to check out Womantics 🙂
ReplyThanks for sharing your cultural practice as well. I agree that parents always choose whats best for their children though sometimes even parents can be unreasonable or adamant.
Thanks for checking out Womanatics. What do you think of it?
ReplyI worked with a guy here in the US who went through the marriage arrangement process while I was working with him. It was a lot different than I had expected, and I was impressed by many aspects of it. I no longer work with him, but I know he and his wife have a daughter now and by all accounts are happy.
ReplyOn balance i am in favour of arranged marriages. The problem arises if the marriage is ‘forced’ which are the marriages that get into the press. To an extent all marriages are ‘arranged’ – most people marry predictably within their own class and creed – Christian with Christian, Jew with Jew, Muslim with Muslim. In a small town they would have been part of that community from birth and it would be instantly welcoming. Friends would already be shared and families would know eachother. Arranged marriages have 2 very supportive sets of inlaws and this will help in raising the children. Interesting article.
ReplyDavid,
I liked what you said, ‘to an extent all marriages are arranged’. Belonging to the same community and having the same culture adds to the growth of the marriage. And I also liked your idea of two suportive in-laws. Thats just true.
ReplyHi Surabhi
It is worth remembering that the concept of ‘romantic love’ is very new in our culture. In previous centuries people would marry someone in their village selected by their parents – romantic love and choice is a recent luxury for many cultures and not always for the better.
ReplyThanks for this post, I read it two times.
I like it so much, please try to keep posting.
In this relationship, nothing is about ‘you’ or ‘me’; everything is about ‘we’. Success can be of one, but celebration is for both. Problem can be of one, but the solution will be by both. This is the beauty of this relationship that’s supposed to be maintained by mutual efforts of both.
Let me introduce other material that may be good for our community. Free Wedding for one who is interested in Happy Arrange marriages.
Best regards
Divya
So interesting! Thanks for posting this. I’ve always viewed arranged marriages in a negative light, but perhaps that’s for cultural reasons. I need to give this issue more thought.
ReplyThis was my only purpose to write this post on EM – to let people understand that arranged marriages are not that bad!
ReplyAwesome artice!! it is great to know that Arrange marriage is a bliss for someone and for someone it is a curse. see i have <a href="http://www.vivaah.com/blog/281-arranged-matrimony-a-brides-view.html"this post
also on arranged marriages with lovely pictures !! which shows brides perspective
All across the globe, there are various views on marriages as well as weddings. Others choose their would-be spouses and there are those who customarily have arranged marriages which is not a totally bad idea. This story shows that there are still couples who have turned out to live fulfilling marriages and their family members become even closer to each other.
ReplyI chose him, he chose me and when it all ended there was nothing that any family member could say or do to save the marriage. The marriage ended and a lot more people got affected by the breakdown. When a marriage ends it affects the whole family. The benefits of arranged marriages, I think outweigh “love” marriages as family members all have an interest in the marriage lasting.
What I do not agree with however are forced marriages. In the Uk there have been a number of young girls murdered who refused to enter into forced marriages
ReplyDream on. In most arranged marriages, the extended family could care less. They live their lives, and the people getting married live theirs.
ReplyGreat Article about Arranged Marriages. We are also a company that promotes this idea online at http://www.findari.com and allow users to post their profiles with photos and contact other users.
Replyhi…i read the articles and also comments…i am 26 nd still dont know what s best for me…tats love mrge or arranged..Parents are pressurising me to settle down but I am also waiting for my prince.And cant imagine to be with a person whom i dont know at all.have a good frnd with whom i wish i could spend my whole life with.But dont have courage to tell him fearing that it will be the end of our friendship.And my parents have found a match for me and i dont know what to tell them.
ReplyHi Radhika,
I can understand this. I have been through it. I would suggest talk to your parents and explain them your concern. If you have even a bit of inkling about your friend’s feelings, you can tell him about your feelings too. Do you want to shoot this question in ‘ask womanatics’ section of my blog?
ReplyHi Ms. Surabhi,
I must concur that your post is absolutely inspirational; as an Asian American from a Buddhist family, my culture and experiences is very similar to yours.
In conclusion, I also believe that arranged marriage is not only for the happiness, well being and compatibilities of the couple and families, but it is also about showing respect, gratitude and devotion. I believe this is to repay loved ones for all that they have done and sacrificed for us.
By the way, your family photo is lovely and you all look very happy. Can I ask you where you are currently living, in India or elsewhere? When my time comes for an arranged marriage, I can see this as a potential problem but I would like to hear from your feedback.
Best Regards
ReplyHi Molika,
Thanks for this comment. And you brought out a very interesting point about arranged marriage being repay for love and devotion. So true.
I currently live in Andamans, but soon I would be moving to Delhi. You can reach out to me anytime through the contact page of my blog. I always reply 🙂
ReplyI was born and raised in India, i have lived traveled, lived in US and different parts of world. According to me, arrange marriages are wrong because
1) Rich marrys rich, poor ends up with no option but to marry poor, higher caste marry higher, lower ends nowhere. I would be okay if there was intercaste and inter religion arrange marriage, but i do not think there is any. So arrange marriages promotes too much inequality in the system
2) Backgound check- Will a woman from good background like parents being a scientist, will marry a man from blue collar workers family? Just because her dad was smart does not mean she is smart too? Being smart and good at your work depends on your personality. Just because you are born in a higher caste of rich family does not make you a better wife or husband? So because of this whole background check thing, many times parents oppose grown up kids to get married just because they belong from different social background, generating inequality.
3) Parents Involvement- I am absolutely fine with taking final opinion on parents before getting married. But in a arrange marriage if things are not working out, it so hard to walk away. Just because of low divorce rate in arrange marriage does not mean couple are more happier.
Growing up in India i saw so many cases of domestic abuse of both husband and wife, just because divorce is a stigma or what will happen to kids if they divorce, couple decided to stay together. Off-course divorce is painful, but divorce should be seen as a freedom to walk away from a bad relationship.
4) No one knows you better than yourself- Parents know us well, but the real person in you, you are the only one who knows you the best. Some times you meet the nice guy but he is more like a friend and not a lover. You should click, he should have sense of humor, healthy body. Same for a guy he should like her personality too.
5) Sex has low or no importance in marriage- I have seen in many Indian people cases, both males and females do not work out. Some males have so big belly i doubt they can ever get their women orgasm. Isn’t mans job to keep his wife happy?
6) Kids- There are so many things in life we need to discuss before coming in relationship or marriage. One of things could be how many kids? In india they are so many street kids, orphans, nobody or very few wants to adopt, most want to keep making babies even when there are kids dying of hunger and neglect on streets. In arrange marriage you do not get much chance to discuss on likes and dislikes, future the way you want to lead the life.
8) Happy married life- Most males and females in India this is the first real relationship, intimate relationship(marriage). Dating in India is like friendship in west where you go drink coffee together and share common things but couple do not get intimate(sex before marriage). If it is your first intimate relationship in life you will feel happy, because you have never experienced any other intimate relationship. This is the first and final. So lack of previous relationship experience makes them feel, they are happy in relationship.
Note:- My brothers and sisters have done arrange marriage, I am not against it, but i am just pointing out the bad effects on society. In the end do what makes you happy. Constructive comments are welcome 🙂
ReplyHi..
Yesterday one guy came to see me… Al my family members liked him but i din’t like him. Totally he is wel n good . Nw ma parents asking me what should i say. If i say no they will scold me…
You know this was a wonderful article and experience to read about. I am 27 now and have actually been trying to figure out how to talk to my parents about helping me find my future husband. I know it sounds strange coming from a westerner, and you may ask why I would ever want to do that, but to me it feels somehow right. I feel as if my parents have my best interest at heart, and they know me so well, that they would be able to find men that they believe would be good mates.
It’s not that I have had many failed relationships, I have barely dated, and am still holding out for my husband, but I feel that every man I try to get to know is just not the right one. So the idea of my parents being able to use wisdom and their knowledge of me to introduce me to some people that may be better than my looking. Maybe a little advice on how I would approach asking my parents, or even if that is the right choice, I would love to hear what people think. Thanks!
Thanks for your post Surabhi. I’m going to have an arranged marriage. I’m an Indian and a christian and arranged marriages in my community are very rare. I was all paranoid, wondering if I’m going to land up into some $hit0l3 😉 but this post gave me a lot of confidence. Just that I’ve seen too many people have love marriages around me and arranged marriage seems like the most weird thing to do. But I trust my parents decision for me and since everything has just fallen in place so well, I just feel it is the best thing that has happened. There is nothing that I need to worry about too. Unlike my other friends who love a guy their parents are against and have to act all rebellious 🙂 We have minimal talks righ now coz we live miles away.. But I’m hoping we ;ll fall in love once we live together .. Coz love is not just about emotions… It’s a commitment for life! right ?:)
ReplyI knew a girl in college who is Indian and Christian who asked her parents to help her with an arranged marriage, and talked about it in one of my culture classes while she was engaged. She was really excited about it and explained she had a choice. I was really excited for her.
ReplyThis may have been said, but I didn’t read all the comments, but I’m not sure Western parents/families are equipped to be a hand in arranging marriages. Culturally, parents didn’t have the mindset that part of their job is going to be arranging a marriage for their child. I can’t say I’d be comfortable with my (divorced) parents arranging my marriage. However, I see the wisdom in arranged marriage, particularly seeing things most people are blind to at the beginning and the joining of families not just individuals.
Replythnx for your post.i am getting married after 1 month and it is also an arranged marriage.like you i always dreamt about marriage.and i never dated a guy before.so i thought when the person would come i would be very excited.such as seeing him my heart would stop,i would be smiling….but we are talking for 7/8 days over phone but i dont have these emotions..we talk about our professions,our likes,dislikes…i dont feel bad while talking him but neither so excited.is it normal?
ReplyIt’s absolutely normal. Give it some more time. Also.. stopping of heart means death and not love.. 😉 I mean.. things that are shown in marriage do not happen in real life. Give it some time. Try to know him more and open yourself a bit more.
ReplyI do like the idea of an arranged marriage, but after talking to some of the people in my church who are Indian and went to India to find a spouse typically got married within a week of meeting their spouse. I’m curious, does the groom get to propose at all or is it like signing a contract? I’m just curious. One of our pastors said he had a few girls in mind for me to meet but they’re from Central America. One guy from our church waited 3 months before his wife was able to come from India. I guess that sort of worries me as well as being able to propose. I’m a bit of a romantic myself.
ReplyI am going t marry my cousin as it is my father’s wish. Totally for him. He did for me, my mother died when I was 7 and he was 45 then. He rejected his marriage proposals of second marriage for the sake of our lives. So its time to payback :). Happy to do this although i have a girl we both share many common things from education to personality.I really like her BUT today i am stable and have a life because of the sacrifice of my father. may he live a healthier life. From Pakistan 🙂
Reply[…] It does not matter how you met. It does not make a deal at all if you dragged him into your life or he sailed or your parents scheduled the meet. What makes the difference is – are you both happy with each other? If yes, then three cheers to marriage! […]
Reply