Okay, I admit it.

when-was-last-time-you-made-loveThis is kind of a trick question.

On the surface, it looks like this post is only for people who can’t remember when they last had sex with their spouse.

But really, this post is for all married couples with regard to sex in their marriage.

When was the last time you made love?

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Some of you can’t remember because it’s been sooooo long ago, maybe even years.

And some of you can’t remember because sex is woven into the fabric of your marriage in such a way that it really is hard to discern one time from the next.  For you, sex is not a monumental “once-in-awhile” event, but rather a vital and frequent aspect of how you do life with the person you married.

And some of you fall in between those two camps.

Wherever you fall on the spectrum, could you ponder for a moment not on sex itself , but rather what sexual intimacy (or lack thereof) does to your marriage.

Sex is never just about sex.

Despite what the movies and society and the hook-up culture try to tell us, sex is never just about sex.

And interestingly, I think we see this truth most in marriage, where one life is entwined with another.

Day in and day out, this is the person with whom you navigate finances, a busy calendar, work demands, family commitments, mountaintops, valleys, laundry piles, weed-filled lawns, new tires for the car, neighborhood gatherings, holidays, dog puke, empty milk jugs, little league fields, messy garages, whiney toddlers, lying teens, birthday cakes, smiles, slights and clogged drains.

In the midst of all that, sex is never just about sex.

When there is ongoing sexual refusal in a marriage, it is difficult to ignore or escape the pain and disconnection that such refusal causes.

And, on the flip side, when there is ongoing nurtured sexual intimacy, it is difficult to ignore the reassurance and oneness such intimacy causes.

When was the last time you made love?

I’m not overly concerned with whether you can remember the last time. I’m more curious about what sex is doing to your marriage.

Is sex bringing you closer together, better equipping you to do life together and making you feel grateful that this is the person you chose as your spouse?

Or is sex a thorn in your side — a source of frustration and division, either because you are having it so rarely or because you struggle immensely with agreeing on what nurtured sexual intimacy even means?

Don’t become consumed with answering the question, “When was the last time you made love?”

Do, though, get courageous, go to your spouse and get real about what the sexual connection or sexual distance is doing to you and to the marriage.

Don’t assume your spouse knows how grateful you are for sex — or how discouraged you are because of the lack of it.

Yes, it likely feels scary to be so vulnerable. But this is the person to whom you’ve committed your life.

And you both are worth transparency that has the potential to make the marriage stronger — whether that transparency is filled with joy or drenched in a cry for healthier sexual intimacy.

When was the last time you made love?

For a few of my favorite posts along this topic, check out Extraordinary Sex In Your Ordinary Life and 5 Dangers of Regularly Saying No to Sex.


About the author 

Julie Sibert

Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband and their two boys. When she's not writing, she's probably drinking ridiculously overpriced coffee.

Dustin Riechmann created Engaged Marriage to help other married couples live a life they love (especially) when they feel too busy to make it happen. He has many passions, including sharing ways to enjoy an awesome marriage in 15 minutes a day, but his heart belongs with his wife Bethany and their three young kids.

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