It may look like this post is just for the guys.

But I encourage you wives to read it as well.

sexiest-thing-you-can-doNot long ago on my site, I did a post titled The Sexiest Thing You Can Do for Your Husband.

The attention that post received got me thinking that doing sexy things is an equal opportunity proposition.

So guys, let me start with the disclaimer that obviously I don’t know your wife and what she specifically finds sexy.

(Hint. Hint. That’s your cue to read this post as a springboard into studying the woman you do life with and figuring out what turns her on.)

As for you wives reading this, please know that if your husband is like many husbands, he wants to turn you on… in the way you want to be turned on.

But you have to be willing to be turned on.

If you regularly shut him down sexually or don’t help him learn what you find arousing, then he pretty much feels like he just can’t win.  And he is the guy who won your heart way back in the day, which you probably found soooo attractive.  (Ironic. I know.)

Guys, you may think I’m going to say that the sexiest thing you can do for your wife is to help out around the house more.  But you know, I’m just not so sure that “chore play” is the best foreplay.

You’ll hear jokes about how a woman has never found her husband sexier than when he’s vacuuming or scrubbing the kitchen floor.

Those things may have some impact if “acts of service” is one of the ways she receives love.

But do those things really make her want to get naked with you?

Hmmm. I kind of doubt it.

The sexiest thing you can do for your wife is more likely rooted in connecting with her emotionally.

I know.  That is a mantra tossed around a lot in the world of marriage enrichment.  And you may be tired of hearing about emotional intimacy.

Interestingly, though, as someone who blogs about sex in marriage, I find that most husbands really want the emotional connection too.

Sex is never just about sex.  I’ve yet to hear from a husband who is eager for his wife to offer the use of her body but never the revelation of her soul.


Duty sex loses its appeal almost from the get go, especially if duty sex is the only sex on the menu.

The sexiest thing you can do for your wife is to genuinely be her friend and hunger to know her emotionally.

This isn’t about being to her the same type of friend her girlfriends are to her.  Friendship in a marriage is different than other friendships, but still equally needed (and, in some ways, more needed than what we share with our other friends).

And wives, this is where you need to embrace a bit of wisdom:

If he is genuinely trying to connect with you emotionally, and your gut reaction is to see his attempt as nothing more than a ploy to get sex, you are hurting your marriage. (Or maybe you are sabotaging intimacy by telling yourself these three lies.)

Sadly, in too many marriages, the “sexiest things” a husband and wife do for each other have become a system of bartering.

My guess is that’s not really what you want for your marriage — emotionally or sexually.

Possibly you are reading this right now and you are thinking, “I’ve given up on trying to figure out what my spouse finds sexy.”

Or possibly you know what your spouse finds sexy and you have slacked off in pursuing them the way you used to.

Or maybe you both do want more sexual intimacy, but you both feel so exhausted.

No matter the camp you are in, I encourage you to get courageous for the sake of your marriage. Invest not only in expressing what your spouse means to you, but also in asking for the emotional and sexual intimacy you need.

The sexiest thing you can do for your wife?

I’m not sure. You know her better than me.

Maybe cleaning the kitchen floor will make her want to enthusiastically pull you into the bedroom. Or maybe — just maybe — there are other levels of intimacy she’s hungering for you to explore.

Husbands, will you try?  Wives, will you believe him when he tries?

Sex is never just about sex.


About the author 

Julie Sibert

Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband and their two boys. When she's not writing, she's probably drinking ridiculously overpriced coffee.

Dustin Riechmann created Engaged Marriage to help other married couples live a life they love (especially) when they feel too busy to make it happen. He has many passions, including sharing ways to enjoy an awesome marriage in 15 minutes a day, but his heart belongs with his wife Bethany and their three young kids.

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