Do you know how to have sex?
I’m going to assume the answer is yes. After all, on the surface, sex is a simple act of “Insert Tab A into Slot B.”
And if you listen to the incessant messages thrown at us by our sex-obsessed culture, there’s not a lot more to it.
Sure, the Internet is full of information about sexual techniques and supposed “secrets” to amazing sex.
There’s certainly no shortage of advice out there on how to get the woman of your dreams into bed and drive your man crazy in the sack.
However, these messages always leave out the real secret to an incredible sex life.
Sure Sex is Fun…
Sex is one of the most physically enjoyable activities that we can experience, and God designed it that way for our benefit.
After all, God wants us to have great sex!
The key though is to not limit your thoughts on sex to the obvious physical pleasure that it provides. That’s certainly how our society treats sex, and it’s easy to see this limited view all around us.
Just look at any funny movie, popular magazine cover or any mainstream “relationship” website.
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Every headline will center around one general idea: Sex is simply an activity and a form of recreation.
It’s all about how many times we have sex, how many different people we can hook up with and how intense we can make our next orgasm.
And this focus is not limited to some free-lovin’ approach to single life.
The vast majority of mainstream sex resources for married couples also approach the topic from the standpoint of making the act happen more often and with better technique.
I think we’d all agree that having sex with our spouse more often and in a physically satisfying way is great, but is that all there is to it?
…But It’s So Much More Than That
So are you ready for the big secret that never makes it into the headlines of Cosmo or the plot lines of a Judd Apatow flick?
Sex is not just an activity, it’s the most intimate form of communication.
Take a moment to read that line again and think about how it applies to your marriage and your sex life.
- Do you treat your intimate time with your spouse as a time to communicate?
- Do you feel what your partner is feeling when you make love?
- Does sex reinforce the deep connection between you and allow you to express your love in a way that only the sexual union between a husband and wife provides?
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Embrace The Gift
When you approach sex as the deepest form of communication with your spouse, it takes away the limits that our culture has placed on this Gift from God.
Sex is not reserved for “perfect” days when you are both “in the right mood.” Instead, sex can be a perfect way to connect and express your feelings, even if they are feelings of stress, uncertainty or even disappointment.
Sex is not just for fun. When we relegate it to another form of simple recreation, it falls back into the mix with other “fun things” and behind “important duties” such as chores, work, or a good night’s sleep.
Sex is much more important to your marriage than a load of laundry, and it should be treated with the awe and respect that it deserves as an amazing means to unity and closeness in your relationship.
Break free of the limits that our society likes to put on sex. Tell your spouse how you’re feeling and receive their response openly, gratefully and with passion.
But remember that you don’t have to use words to have an incredible conversation…
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When I saw the headline on my feed I thought to myself, “Gerry! Quick close the (home) office door so the kids don’t see anything!”, and I quickly scrolled down the screen to be more discreet!
Then I read the post and thought, well done Dustin, another good article on why our wives like us to read more of this stuff!
Seriously Dustin, you have nailed it again!
PS. I love your engineer brain describing the mechanics of sex, “Insert Tab A….”
Gerry,
You didn’t do too poorly w/”…nailed it again.” I couldn’t let that pass since we’re all on the same subject. Now, I’m climbing out of the gutter.
.-= Jennifer @ Milk & Honey Mommy´s last blog ..Ah…Thanks for Sharing =-.
Jennifer, I only realised what i had said after I hit the SUBMIT button…ooops!
I just had to chime in to say that I LOVE that my readers share my dirty mind! 🙂
Try as I might, my junior high sense of humor gets me every time, and I get a kick out of all the sexual innuendo that inevitably happens in a post (and comments) like this.
After being married nearly 13 years and our kids are a little older, I can honestly say that sex now is better than it was early in our marriage.
Thanks for the reminder that married sex is God’s gift to couples and it should be regarded that way and not as another chore.
.-= KayEm17´s last blog ..Pregnancy Can Test Your Marriage If You’re Not Careful =-.
Thanks so much, Kay! I have to agree with you that our sex life has certainly improved over time, and I think it has a lot to do with our growing understanding that is a truly great gift from God.
Thanks for the great comment, and thank you for the good work you are doing on your site as well!
Just read “Holy Sex” by Gregory K. Popcak, PhD. Highly recommended and along the same lines!
http://www.amazon.com/Holy-Sex-Toe-Curling-Mind-Blowing-Infallible/dp/product-description/0824524713
I’ve heard that book is really good. I’ll have to get a copy oneday
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Geek vs Nerd =-.
FallBride, I have seen “Holy Sex” on Amazon since it comes up based on my previous book choices (go figure) and I’ve thought about checking it out. Sounds like another book I need to read and review here at Engaged Marriage. Thanks!
Dustin, if you need a copy of this book send me your address, I am sure we have an extra that we would be glad to send you. It is worth the read and I wish we had read it earlier in our marriage. –Andy J
Dustin,
I’ve been reading for a while. I’m not sure how I found your blog, but am totally loving it. Thank you for keeping it Christian and not being afraid to talk about EVERYTHING that pertains to marriage. “Insert Tab A into Slot B.” I’m still laughing.
.-= Jennifer @ Milk & Honey Mommy´s last blog ..Ah…Thanks for Sharing =-.
Thanks so much for the kind words, Jennifer! I’m glad you could get a good laugh…I definitely got a chuckle when I wrote that. 🙂
I also got a good laugh out of the “Insert Tab A, into Slot B” line.
.-= Living with Balls´s last blog ..Bullshit Job Interview Questions and Answers =-.
i probably shouldn’t have opened this at work. Its going to look odd in my internet history that i’m looking up the secret to mindblowing sex. Oh well. if the IT dept see it, hopefully they read it first.
Great entry. Really enjoyed reading it.
.-= Mary´s last blog ..Geek vs Nerd =-.
Thanks for the compliments, Mary. I’m REALLY sorry if I get you questioned at work! As you know, my posts are typically pretty safe for work (and this one really is too), but I can see how a few of the words could get the attention of the ole internet filters.
Make the IT guy read the post, maybe he’ll learn something. 😉
Wow just discovered your blog! Honestly I only read it because you have the same name as my husband. hehehe Every time I see a man say positive things about marriage I get giddy. And seeing a blog about amazing sex and how its communication? And its funny? Even better! My Dustin and I will come read this more often! Thanks!
.-= Autumn´s last blog ..Just Wrong =-.
Thanks so much, Autumn! I’m really glad you decided to click over and check out what this Dustin had to say. Welcome to our community!
As an aside, I have two questions for you: (1) How did you find the site? and (2) Does your husband get called Justin CONSTANTLY? It’s a running joke for me because it happens so much! 🙂
Ack! I can’t believe I missed this post the last time I was here! 😉 So true… Here’s my own experience from a few days ago: http://thecatholicwife.blogspot.com/2010/07/best-sex-ever
Thanks so much, The Catholic Wife! That’s an absolutely beautiful article you wrote, and I appreciate you sharing it.
I really loved this. I know what you’re thinking. Joanna Cake is a sex blogger so she can’t possibly have intimate sex. But that’s where you’re wrong because the ‘sex’ on my site is about the growing relationship between two people. Sure, it started out as just sex but, over the months, we have become connected in a far deeper way.
There is great technique involved sometimes and, yes, we have been known to experiment with toys but a lot of our most intimate moments involve making love so slowly that you have the quiet time to sense what the other person is feeling. On so many occasions that has been far more satisfying than the more robust and energetic varieties. Celebrating our emotional and mental connection just as surely as the physical. When the slightest movement can trigger a reaction that you can feel in both your brain and your body.
Living nearly 200 miles away from my lover, we have to find ways to communicate that go beyond just saying ‘I love you’. Those three little words just don’t always cut it. I have found that the warmth that flows through me through just being complimented on a body part that he misses can release as many good endorphins as a physical hug. Because we have worked hard to reinforce our mental connection as well as the bodily one.
Love life should not be considered a chore or a burden. If you are worried then try being intimate with your partner, it will relief you a lot.
Great stuff..haha ‘tabA..’
Whats mind blowing sex ???
I’ve been married 45 years and only had sex once, and I can’t say that first time was great. My husband thought it was disgusting, messy, smelly and it meant nothing to him and never waanted to experience it again. Thats the way its been he eats and sleeps in the basement and works the midnight shift. I have been so lonely, depressed, unwanted and tossed aside. I didn’t leave him because I no where to go and can’t support myself.
sorry you have suck a bad image of sex… married sex is awesome and can be awesome. sex is meant to be messy. that is the only way it can happen. as far as smelly make sure you have had a shower or baths before you have sex. i think so much of the negative results of sex in marriage is how we were raised and how the church has not talked about sex in marriage. our church would never have a message on sex to the married couples. they would say we really do not talk about that. you need to really get you and your husband to some counselling and resolve this issue. to have a healthy marriage and a health sex life you need to be having sex 1-2 or 3 times a week…. please go seek counsel and get help for your marriage
Dustin,thanks 4 that piece. tried NPF but took in for my second baby in that course
at the time when I was not ready.
We love NPF but we are soo afraid to resort to it because of our last experience,what do we do?
Hi Vivian,
Thanks for sharing where you are right now and your experiences with NFP. As you’ve probably been told, NFP is 99% effective when used strictly – but of course I don’t know your circumstances or what method you were using. I will say that Bethany and I have switched to the Marquette Model which uses a fertility monitor, and it gives us a great sense of peace of reliability. You might want to pursue more information on that and they have a wonderful website at nfp.marquette.edu that you can get started with.
Best,
Dustin
hey dustin,
did you actualy see that 500 tips book?
i would b glad to buy it but i need a true feedback first…
thanks!
I have – it’s truly a big collection of tips. Don’t expect a great narrative, but there’s certainly some great things to try in your marriage that could open up a new level of intimacy. 🙂
Dustin
Dustin,
Thanks for the post. It is encouraging to see folks speak about sex as ” the most intimate form of communication” since God created us to share information in many different fashions.
Sex becomes a different sort of activity with time. Married 39 years, we enjoy this sort of effective intimate communication often instead of the simple ““Insert Tab A into Slot B.” route. Some of us “old folks” enjoy a different sort of communication. On my blog I place at the end the phrase that is very true about sex, “The Best Is Yet To Be!!!”
Jerry @ CrackingTheRomanceCode.com/blog
What should a couple do when they realize that they are sexually incompatible? Or that one of them may be asexual?