Lisa is a licensed psychotherapist with a private practice in Marin County, California. Through her practice, she’s able to help many couples in the San Francisco area, and while that’s fantastic, it’s also limiting.
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(15) comments
I think my husband could have used more preparation for unreasonable expectations that you develop after being married. It’s easy to expect your spouse to fulfill all of your needs and while that is impossible, it also puts a lot of stress and tension on the shoulders of one person.
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My wife and I weren’t aware of the extent of time and effort that goes into a marriage. Dating comes so easily because you’re “in love” and trying to show your best side, and when the “in love” stage went away, we weren’t quite prepared. After coasting along for some time, it is taking some serious work to “recharge” and get back on the track we want.
We’ve heard that marriage is hard work and understood that intellectually, but actually putting it into practice was a leap beyond what we had expected.
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I wish I’d known how hard it can be to make time for each other and to remember to put your marriage first, especially after having kids, when you can be so exhausted most of the time!
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What is one area that my spouse and I could have used better marriage preparation?
That one is pretty easy for me. Sitting down and formally laying out who’s responsible for certain things in the marriage.
Everything from who pays the bills, how much money each one is allowed to spend without notifying the other one, and who cleans the house, instead of finding out with each fight that something should have been agreed upon ahead of time.
I would have to say that we could have used a purpose or vision statement, so that we could remember to take ourselves out of the equation and focus on our purpose together as a unit.
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We definitely should have had some counseling about money management to make sure we were on the same page. We were NOT and it took about 21 years of marriage to come to believe the same way. Thank God we got there!
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My husband and I could have used someone with a realistic take on what marriage really is, to tell us what to expect and what marriage means. I wish now that instead of people saying “you are so young why don’t you wait” and other vague comments and questions; that they would have said how you view life and love right now at this age (21) is going to change. The person (22) that you marry is also going to have a different view on life and love the older you get and the more situations, circumstances and temptations challenge you. It’s important to have individual interest but “mesh” your lives together and remain friends. More importantly keep your relationship sacred, it’s between the two of you and not the two of you and the world. This is what I wish would have been shared in the preparation of my marriage.
Signed,
13 years later and 2 years separated.
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Congratulations to Sara who was drawn randomly as the lucky winner of The Marriage Refresher Course Workbook!
And thank you to everyone for sharing your valuable insights…you’re the best! 🙂
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Congrats Sara – and thank to Dustin for such a nice review of my marriage workbook. Fun to see everyone’s comments and interest in finding different ways to sustain and strengthen their marriages! Engaged Marriage is like sitting in front of a cozy fire for couples committed to prioritizing their marriages.
Dustin, your knowledge and down-to-earth style clearly resonates. Keep up the good work!
Warmly,
Lisa Brookes Kift, MFT
The Toolbox: Tools for Marriage, Relationship and Emotional Health
http://LisaKiftTherapy.com
This book is great!It can help a lot for the couple to understand what marriage is all about. Likewise, they were able to strengthen their love, trust and respect to each other. Thank you for letting us know.
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