I’m a Christian wife who blogs about sex, so as you can imagine, that makes for interesting conversations at social gatherings.
My husband and I were at a wedding reception once, sitting with a friend of mine and her husband.
With a mischievous laugh, my friend looked at my husband and jokingly said her husband wanted his picture with him. “You’re his hero! He thinks you get sex all the time!”
We laughed. Sure, her exclamation was in jest, but honestly, it reflects a more somber tone that weaves through many comments and emails I receive from readers of my blog.
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Many people think that because my husband and I enjoy sex often — and that it is quite good — that our marriage is somehow a walk in the park, free of many of the struggles that they face in their own marriages.
Sex for us, they think, must be a panacea for any strains on our marriage.
Here is what I want you to know about great sex and marriage…
A huge part of what makes sex great in my marriage is that we work hard at the rest of our marriage.
All the time.
And it’s work. Hard work.
We stumble. We get short with each other. We’ve said things we regret. We’ve misunderstood each other’s hearts.
But we also have learned to get back up. To forgive quickly. To talk. To extend grace. To remember our commitment. To pray for each other. To laugh and savor all the extraordinary joys that show up in ordinary ways.
Great sex in our marriage — the kind of sex that is profound and indescribable on so many levels — does not exist in a vacuum.
I think if you met me or my husband or were to glimpse into our life on any given day you would be surprised to see how our marriage looks like a lot of marriages.
Messy. Chaotic. Boring at times.
Wrought with tiredness and stress. Our dirty dishes pile up. Our dog destroys things she shouldn’t. Our calendar is often a bully.
So when we make love — when we crawl into that sacred space literally and figuratively — we show up having already poured ourselves out in the other crevices of our relationship.
Truth be told, each phenomenal orgasm is tender reminder of what it took for us to get there.
What I want you to know about great sex and your marriage is that you both have to be willing to give and re-give yourselves, often when you really want to do the exact opposite.
You have to resolve to tackle the hard issues, one baby step at a time.
You have to be able to train your eyes to spot speckles of goodness and love and warmth amidst so much noise.
That’s not easy.
I know.
But that’s where the great sex is found.
And if you were to stop by my house on any given day, that’s exactly what I would tell you.
(After, of course, I tried to keep the dog from jumping on you. And then asked you to look past the laundry baskets, overflowing bookshelves, messy desk and worn-out kitchen floor that should have been replaced in 1991).
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No marriage is perfect & sometimes it can take years to figure things out. We are in our 23rd year & it is the best year of them all.
Sex doesn’t fix problems it makes it much harder to enjoy when the problems rear their ugly heads in the bedroom. Marriage is a lot of work but so worth it. Try to keep your troubled discussions out of the bedroom so that it’s not a place of negativity. Great post, thanks
Great insight. It is so hard to see those spots through the daily funk of every day routines, children, the jobs and every other thing that conspired to disrupt a haromnous marriage. And many times (more often than not) I just want to give up and just let I go.
I just married a wonderful man last June and I am actually getting to ‘practice’ these things. What a wonderful blog! Thank you for putting it all in to words 🙂
Excellent! It’s a great subject. I appreciate the honest transparency of hard work. In this day successful marriages should be celebrated.
I love reading all of Julie’s posts. Whether on her own site or as Guest posts. She always has good common sense, biblical advice. Keep it up Julie!!!!!!!!!!!
I am currently reading your book and my wife of 10 years is starting it tonight. We both have enjoyed your blog and it is really helping us both.
Keep it up!
I like the openness and honesty of what you wrote thank you
I’m glad that there are Christian women that love sex! 😉
Love you’re posts they’re so down to earth & real. It’s so great to read a Christian woman;s perspective on sex.
Hi Julie! I’ve been following your blog for a while now and am trying to work on my own as well. I love that you are talking about this and look forward to reading your book (even if I don’t win and have to buy it 🙂
Yep…marriage is hard work. But I sure do like it!
Thank you everyone for the comments! Really appreciate your kind words and that you took the time to comment.
This would be a great read. I think I need to follow your blog more often. My husband and I are really struggling particularly after the birth of out first child almost 3 months ago.
Thanks so much to everyone for the great comments, and to Julie for yet another fantastic post!
I randomly selected from the comments – congratulations to Elizabeth Hollier who will receive a copy of Julie’s new book! We’ll be in touch.
Best,
Dustin
The frustrating part for me is when you *do* work hard on all the other things in marriage life together and still the sex is just so-so because after all, its not the sex that matters but the relationship.