Hey, I get it.
Life has a way of sabotaging late night encounters.
If you ever feel like you and your beloved are simply trying to keep your head above water (you feel that way sometimes, right?), you are not alone.
Good news! There are ways to increase the odds of sexual intimacy happening on a more consistent basis.
Sexual play when the lights go out tends to be easier when there’s sexual play while your clothes are on.
I’m not even talking about anything overtly sexual here. I am talking about expressing your sexual desire and affection with simple gestures.
Any one of these will likely get your message across: Gently put your hand on your spouse’s leg. Caress the back of their neck. Softly run your finger just under the the hem on their shorts or the sleeve on their shirt.
If there aren’t kids in the car (or if the kiddos are fast asleep), you can probably get away with more suggestive caressing.
Sure, you have to keep your eyes on the road and stay safe. But trust me. A simple touch while driving can speak volumes about your intentions later.
When I was growing up, a childhood friend of mine had parents who occasionally would playfully talk in some sort of “code,” even when we were around.
As children, we obviously didn’t know what they were saying. We probably even thought it was weird, even though it was obvious the spirit of the “conversation” was playful.
Now as a grown up who is in love with my husband, I think about my childhood friend’s parents and it makes me smile.
They had found a way to connect as husband and wife amidst the busy details of the day.
Who knows what they were talking about with all those secret words and whispers?! I would bet my last dollar, though, that those innocent exchanges were anything but innocent.
Do you and your spouse have ways to talk about sex playfully without really talking about sex?
My pal J of Hot Holy Humorous wrote a couple of great posts along these lines, including “What Euphemisms Do You Use for Sex?” and “Is He Sweetheart? Stud Muffin? Romantic Nicknames.”
There’s just something about an unexpected passionate kiss that is genuine and heartfelt.
When was the last time you kissed your spouse this way when the two of you were not making love?
A spontaneous lingering kiss in the kitchen or before your spouse leaves for work or even as you are putting laundry away can convey that your sexual desire is alive and well.
Sadly, too many married couples stop kissing passionately.
I wouldn’t recommend this if your spouse has a company-issued cell phone, because obviously that phone is the property of the company and they likely have rules against sexting.
But if you are sending texts to your spouse’s personal phone, you can get creative. Discretion is the key.
To be super wise about this, you should use code words. That way, your spouse knows that when you type, “Did I mention we were out of chocolate syrup?,” what you really just said has nothing to do with an ice cream topping.
(Unless, of course, it does having something to do with an ice cream topping).
Anyway, you get the idea.
When it comes to sexting, less is more. Say too much too often and the technique loses its arousal factor.
I hope this goes without saying, but don’t send any suggestive photos. Save all the visuals for the “live-and-in-person” escapades in the exclusivity of your marriage bed.
And obviously, double check that the text is indeed going to your spouse. Sure, you’re talking in code. But do you really want your kid’s soccer coach asking if you’re still out of chocolate syrup?!
I know. This one seems so obvious. But why don’t we see more married couples holding hands?
Holding hands with the person you fell in love with and pledged your life to is one of the easiest gestures to actually do — but also the easiest to disregard.
When you hold hands with your spouse, whether you are walking to your kid’s ball game or heading into the grocery store, you convey to them that they are still the one you want by your side.
You convey a great message to those around you too, but that’s simply a nice side benefit. What’s most powerful is the message you are sending to the person you married.
And remember that all hand holding is not created equal. When you hold hands frequently enough with your spouse, you quickly learn the subtle differences of the type of affection being shown.
You can definitely be sexually playful through holding hands, and no one will know but the two of you!
Weave sexual expression into your relationship in a healthy way, and you will better appreciate why making love is so vital.
And for more reading on this topic, check out this post on my site by the same title.
Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband and their two boys. When she's not writing, she's probably drinking ridiculously overpriced coffee.