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I agree wholeheartedly with your first tip, that we cannot control our spouses, we can only control ourselves. So rather than ask myself how I can get my husband to listen to me more, I need to turn that around on myself and ask how I can become a more engaged listener. When my husband and I are having a conversation, I need to take my fingers off the keyboard and face him fully. Too often these days, we’re distracted by the TV, the internet, a cell phone.
ReplyI totally agree, Susan! I write about this stuff every day, and I still have to be conscious to give my full attention to my wife sometimes. It is so easy to be distracted!
And I have also learned first-hand in many areas (marriage, career, family, etc.) that I can only change myself and lead by example.
ReplyGreat post! I’m especially drawn to #1 and #5.
Marriage – in its intended form – is pretty counter-cultural when you think about: you’re supposed to elevate the needs of your spouse above your own. The best place to start is to be the spouse you want be married to – great way of connecting it to the Golden Rule, too!
My wife makes a face when we’re, shall we say “disagreeing” :-), and it’s the “why can’t can you see exactly what I’m thinking” face. The funny thing is that apparently I have a similar face. Regardless of the faces we make at each other, we’ve gotten the idea that we can’t actually see what we’re thinking. This reminds us to extend grace to each other, but it also reminds us to use the best words we can to clearly communicate.
Now, when we make faces at each other, one of us will pipe up and say, “Use your words!” That has diffused a lot of arguements, for sure.
.-= Derek Sisterhen | Past Due Radio´s last blog ..099 Past Due – Baby Step Blasphemy & Improvisational Finance =-.
I love it, Derek! I think you have given the Tip of the Day for marriage: “Use Your Words!”
We have to remind our two-year-old daughter of this pretty often, and you are right that we can fall into the same state as married couples.
ReplyI like the tip on affirmation. I like getting it, and I love when I can sincerely give it. For the past few years, pretty much every wedding card I’ve given to a new couple has included my personal #1 advice: “Be thankful for each other!” You can never feel like you’re too good for someone and be genuinely thankful for that person at the same time. Affirmation is another way of saying, “Thanks! You are still so important to me!” It conveys respect, love, so many things we crave in companionship.
ReplyMore words of great wisdom from you, Wendy! I think we can assembled a how-to on marriage from these comments. So far we have:
Pay Attention
Use Your Words
Be Thankful
I guess those lessons we learn early in life ARE really valuable! 🙂
ReplyNumber one is a biggie for me. It’s difficult sometimes when you feel like you’re the only one putting forth effort and being mindful. But it’s important to keep doing it because it does make a difference. Once you stop, you begin to shut down and as you said, that degrades things even further.
And I especially like the final one about affirming things with each other…I’m going to have to start working on that one! 🙂
C
ReplyThanks, Cori! I think everyone likes affirmation, and giving it out really does come back around. Of course, it has to be sincere, but I’m sure you can find some cool things to say about your loved ones. 😉
ReplyTo tell you the truth Dustin, this is not an easy ask. Men are very prone to stonewalling and indifference. However, I believe that we must fight these instincts in order for our relation to grow with our spouses. Marriage is one avenue for growth; without letting go of our selfishness, we will never truly understand our spouses. 🙂
.-= Walter´s last blog ..The caveats of blogging =-.
I totally agree with you, Walter. And the point isn’t to transform a man in a chatty girlfriend when that’s simply not our nature. However, we can be good listeners and carry on meaningful conversations even if we do speak half as many words per day as our wives. 🙂
ReplyThese words of wisdom are so important and most relate to any relationship. Healthy boundaries and clear expectations are vital.
Being a big fan of ‘The Five Love Languages’ series, I am impressed that Gary Chapman continues to write and publish new books. I have used strategies (or variations on the same strategies) from four of the books in the series.
Although this blog says ‘engaged married’, I am glad, that although my blog is for single women, that I accepted the high recommendation to visit – I have now added it to my favorites to check most days!
Thanks
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Part 3 Become Successful and Live Your Life =-.
Thanks so much, Cathy J! I really appreciate your valuable perspective, and I agree that a lot of what we discuss here applies to all relationships. I’m very happy to have your input and look forward to interacting with you often. 🙂
ReplyThanks, Farouk! I really appreciate you being part of our community and taking the time to comment.
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ReplyI go to hold a conversation with my baby but all she doing is say it my fault ww dnt talk and gets upset with the topic so how can i get us talking about more then just the normal day when everything I say she takes as blaming or not trying to actually talk with her
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ReplyI have done every single one of these things and still nothing, deer in headlights look, why will he not communicate with me!?
ReplyCandi, sometimes we (men) can be hard-headed and set in our ways. You can’t change him or force him, but you can be consistent in your efforts. Keep doing the things you can do, follow those steps, and be consistent. Show him love, even when it’s not reciprocal. As you love him unconditionally and continue to try and talk to him without being too pushy or demanding, he will start to respond. It may come slowly, but stay with it. Find creative ways to get him to talk…don’t think it has to be the “sit down and hold his hands” talking. Talk about things he likes to talk about, to get the conversation started. We’ve got some articles at http://www.youramazingmarriage.com that address communication. Hang in there!
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ReplyGreat article! As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I see couples all the time who have trouble getting their spouse to engage with them. These are great tips. I especially like the “Setting Expections” – too often we assume that our partner knows what we need without explicitly saying it. This sets them up to fail. Also, I find that communicating your needs WITHOUT criticism or blame is important. Here’s an article I wrote about getting your partner to listen to you: http://chappelltherapy.com/couples-conflict/
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ReplyDustin,
You have really hit the target. Today’s modern marriages lack proper communication. Couples say that they are too tired to communicate with each other. Unless you talk with each other you are not going know the view points of your spouse. Yet another major fault you make is you talk only about important family matters which is usually confrontational and argumentative. Small talking about innocuous topics can enliven your conversation with your spouse. Excellent tips!
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ReplyDustin, As to #3 – When your spouse shuts down, these are several reasons you might not be seeing at the time:
They are over-reacting to something you said or how you reacted to something they said.
They might feel they have more than enough information to make their knee-jerk reaction to clam up.
They might not have seen the issue from your side.
I know there are other reasons but these might get folks to pause and ask a couple of reflective questions for theirself.
For us, my early reaction was to be on the attack -that’s how I was raised. I have learned this is not how to gently open my bride to our discussions. A kind answer always provides more ligth than it does heat. I used to be the other way around and it hurt our marriage for years.
— Jerry – Does your wife crave these 4 techniques from you? http://wp.me/p50Bqq-av
Thanks
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ReplyYes, your ideas are great and I have tried them sincerely! But what if my husband takes what I tell him from my heart and does just the opposite just to treat me badly? Now that speaks really loud. Then he says he loves me and what is the problem with me? You don’t account for manipulation and control that a man or woman can do to make the other spouse “look” like the one that is doing it all wrong.
ReplyThat 6th tips has worked wonders for my marriage and for my friends’ marriages. It’s really simple thing to do when you think about it. Come home from work, have some lunch, sit down and grab a cup of tea/coffee and just chat, without money talk or solving problems, just share your day, just for a few minutes. When you’re both calm and relaxed, it’s much easier to tackle other stuff.
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