How to Get Your Spouse to Talk to You: 7 Tips for Engagement

I agree wholeheartedly with your first tip, that we cannot control our spouses, we can only control ourselves. So rather than ask myself how I can get my husband to listen to me more, I need to turn that around on myself and ask how I can become a more engaged listener. When my husband and I are having a conversation, I need to take my fingers off the keyboard and face him fully. Too often these days, we’re distracted by the TV, the internet, a cell phone.

Great post! I’m especially drawn to #1 and #5.

Marriage – in its intended form – is pretty counter-cultural when you think about: you’re supposed to elevate the needs of your spouse above your own. The best place to start is to be the spouse you want be married to – great way of connecting it to the Golden Rule, too!

My wife makes a face when we’re, shall we say “disagreeing” :-), and it’s the “why can’t can you see exactly what I’m thinking” face. The funny thing is that apparently I have a similar face. Regardless of the faces we make at each other, we’ve gotten the idea that we can’t actually see what we’re thinking. This reminds us to extend grace to each other, but it also reminds us to use the best words we can to clearly communicate.

Now, when we make faces at each other, one of us will pipe up and say, “Use your words!” That has diffused a lot of arguements, for sure.
.-= Derek Sisterhen | Past Due Radio´s last blog ..099 Past Due – Baby Step Blasphemy & Improvisational Finance =-.

I like the tip on affirmation. I like getting it, and I love when I can sincerely give it. For the past few years, pretty much every wedding card I’ve given to a new couple has included my personal #1 advice: “Be thankful for each other!” You can never feel like you’re too good for someone and be genuinely thankful for that person at the same time. Affirmation is another way of saying, “Thanks! You are still so important to me!” It conveys respect, love, so many things we crave in companionship.

Number one is a biggie for me. It’s difficult sometimes when you feel like you’re the only one putting forth effort and being mindful. But it’s important to keep doing it because it does make a difference. Once you stop, you begin to shut down and as you said, that degrades things even further.

And I especially like the final one about affirming things with each other…I’m going to have to start working on that one! 🙂

C

To tell you the truth Dustin, this is not an easy ask. Men are very prone to stonewalling and indifference. However, I believe that we must fight these instincts in order for our relation to grow with our spouses. Marriage is one avenue for growth; without letting go of our selfishness, we will never truly understand our spouses. 🙂
.-= Walter´s last blog ..The caveats of blogging =-.

These words of wisdom are so important and most relate to any relationship. Healthy boundaries and clear expectations are vital.

Being a big fan of ‘The Five Love Languages’ series, I am impressed that Gary Chapman continues to write and publish new books. I have used strategies (or variations on the same strategies) from four of the books in the series.

Although this blog says ‘engaged married’, I am glad, that although my blog is for single women, that I accepted the high recommendation to visit – I have now added it to my favorites to check most days!

Thanks
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Part 3 Become Successful and Live Your Life =-.

That’s a very nice post Dustin, especially for people who fight a lot with their spouses
thanks for sharing

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I have done every single one of these things and still nothing, deer in headlights look, why will he not communicate with me!?

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Great article! As a Marriage & Family Therapist, I see couples all the time who have trouble getting their spouse to engage with them. These are great tips. I especially like the “Setting Expections” – too often we assume that our partner knows what we need without explicitly saying it. This sets them up to fail. Also, I find that communicating your needs WITHOUT criticism or blame is important. Here’s an article I wrote about getting your partner to listen to you: http://chappelltherapy.com/couples-conflict/

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Dustin,
You have really hit the target. Today’s modern marriages lack proper communication. Couples say that they are too tired to communicate with each other. Unless you talk with each other you are not going know the view points of your spouse. Yet another major fault you make is you talk only about important family matters which is usually confrontational and argumentative. Small talking about innocuous topics can enliven your conversation with your spouse. Excellent tips!

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Dustin, As to #3 – When your spouse shuts down, these are several reasons you might not be seeing at the time:
They are over-reacting to something you said or how you reacted to something they said.
They might feel they have more than enough information to make their knee-jerk reaction to clam up.
They might not have seen the issue from your side.

I know there are other reasons but these might get folks to pause and ask a couple of reflective questions for theirself.
For us, my early reaction was to be on the attack -that’s how I was raised. I have learned this is not how to gently open my bride to our discussions. A kind answer always provides more ligth than it does heat. I used to be the other way around and it hurt our marriage for years.

— Jerry – Does your wife crave these 4 techniques from you? http://wp.me/p50Bqq-av

Thanks

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Yes, your ideas are great and I have tried them sincerely! But what if my husband takes what I tell him from my heart and does just the opposite just to treat me badly? Now that speaks really loud. Then he says he loves me and what is the problem with me? You don’t account for manipulation and control that a man or woman can do to make the other spouse “look” like the one that is doing it all wrong.

That 6th tips has worked wonders for my marriage and for my friends’ marriages. It’s really simple thing to do when you think about it. Come home from work, have some lunch, sit down and grab a cup of tea/coffee and just chat, without money talk or solving problems, just share your day, just for a few minutes. When you’re both calm and relaxed, it’s much easier to tackle other stuff.

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