Sex & Family Planning
I am a wife with a high sex drive.
Some people would say that trait puts me in an incredibly small minority.
But word to the wise, there are more of us out there than you may realize.
I do hear from women who would love more sex with their husband — and they are baffled as to why he isn’t on board with that.
Each marriage is unique and the circumstances behind mismatched sex drives certainly vary. I get that.
Some of the below questions, though, might spur some opportunities to either better understand what’s going on or to initiate some dialogue with your husband.
If you want sex more than he does, ask yourself:
Does he really know I want more sex?
Sometimes subtlety works in making sexual desires known, but I wouldn’t rely too heavily on this approach.
If you are “hinting” at wanting more sex or if you are simply waiting for him to always be the one to pursue you, such an approach is probably leaving you frustrated.
Somewhere along the way, I think women (particularly Christian women) got the idea that it is more appropriate to wait for him to do all the initiating. The problem is there is nothing biblical to such a thought.
If you want more sex, don’t assume he knows. And if he is not receiving your attempts to initiate, talk to him (preferably in a non-sexual setting).
Express to him that you hunger to be with him more sexually.
Could there be a physical reason he’s not interested in sex?
I certainly can’t cover every physical possibility, but there are a few worth mentioning.
For example, some guys experience erectile dysfunction and they find this embarrassing and/or discouraging. They simply don’t want to either initiate sex or respond to your pursuit, because they question whether they will be able to get and/or maintain an erection.
They don’t want to disappoint you or themselves, so their logic is to avoid the situation altogether. But that approach is not doing either of you any good.
A variety of things can cause erectile dysfunction. Sometimes age and/or alcohol consumption can play a factor. Sometimes it can be the result of medications (such as for high blood pressure) or various medical conditions.
Certainly you and your husband shouldn’t navigate this on your own or make sudden changes in medications.
If you think your husband is struggling with erectile dysfunction, talk to him. Be his champion and partner and safe person.
Remind him that it is not a reflection of him as a man and that erectile dysfunction is increasingly a more treatable experience.
It is worth a trip to the doctor and any specialists to talk openly. This is true not only for erectile dysfunction, but also such things as weight gain, depression, diabetes and so forth.
Doctors, nutritionists and counselors exist to help individuals and couples build healthy lives, including healthy sexual intimacy.
And it is important to remember that even if actual intercourse is no longer possible, sexual contact that is affirming to both of you is still possible. Throughout marriage, whether we are talking about sex or anything else, we have to find ways to adapt and still nurture our oneness.
Is he stressed about something?
Stress can take a toll on any person’s sex drive. No surprise there, but we tend to think it is women who struggle with this, not men.
As much as we like to joke around about men being able to forget about everything when they crawl beneath the sheets, this is just not always the case.
I can point to a few occasions when my husband and I tried to make love, but he admitted that his mind was preoccupied with something else.
It wasn’t that his heart wasn’t in it. His mind wasn’t. And he couldn’t get past that barrier in that moment.
If you think your husband might be worried or stressed about something (finances, work, family matters, other responsibilities), shed light on this. Express to him you are concerned and you want him to be able to talk to you about everything, even the stuff he maybe is trying to protect you from.
Ultimately, what makes for an intimate bond (sexual and otherwise) is a deep abiding friendship. If he is overwhelmed or stressed, you as his wife need to know.
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Does sex always mean mutual sexual pleasure?
This question might surprise you, but hang in there with me, okay? If the pattern in your sexual intimacy has always meant intercourse, then that is how you as a couple have come to define “sex.”
As life moved along, you found you wanted sex more than he did, and you both still saw it as always including intercourse.
But a husband and wife can experience sexual connection without intercourse every time. Are you willing to experience nakedness with each other and closeness and sexual touch without it always concluding in an orgasm?
Are there deeper issues going on?
Sometimes a man’s sex drive with his wife decreases because of deeper (maybe even tragic) circumstances in the marriage. These could include (but not be limited to) such things as deep communication problems, pornography use, and infidelity.
Obviously, if a husband and wife are struggling in their relationship (or if one of the spouses is struggling in the relationship), then this is going to take a huge toll on sexual intimacy in the marriage.
I think counseling can benefit a couple any time in marriage, but I think it is a necessity if the marriage is facing a crisis. Don’t hesitate to say to your husband that you want the two of you to go to a marriage counselor.
If he won’t go, then go on your own. Not only will this give you the insights of a professional counselor, it also will demonstrate to your husband that the status quo situation of your marriage is not okay with you.
You are going to do whatever you can to strengthen the marriage. (If you can’t afford counseling, check out these three ideas).
Lastly, with regard to sex drive, I want to encourage you as a woman to remember that it is not wrong that your sex drive is higher than your husband’s.
Sometimes I hear from women who think there is something “wrong” with them for wanting sex. But the truth is that sexual desire is a good thing in a marriage and couples will spend their married years navigating the impact that desire has on their relationship.
As I said at the beginning, I am a wife with a high sex drive. And that drive at times has been higher than my husband’s.
Though it can feel uncomfortable to address this in a marriage, we are grateful we have. The health of our marriage is worth it.