5 Secrets of Sexually Confident Wives

By Julie Sibert | Sex & Family Planning

sexually-confident-wivesI love to make cheesecake.

It wasn’t always this way, though.  Despite my deep love for cheesecake (I mean, it borders on obsessive), I was always hesitant to actually make one.

I had heard that it was difficult, wrought with several things that could go wrong.

Then I started thinking how ridiculous it was to be paralyzed by that kind of fear.  About cheesecake, nonetheless.

Instead of wallowing in my paralysis, I took action.

I set out to learn all the secrets of making scrumptiously awesome cheesecake.   And because of that, I can now make rock star cheesecake.

If you were my neighbor or a close friend who wanted a cheesecake for her baby shower, I would be your gal.  You’d be coming back for more.  I guarantee it.

Along the way, not only did I learn how to master homemade cheesecake, I also discovered something else — the secrets in making remarkable cheesecake are strikingly similar to the secrets of sexually confident wives.

(See how I did that.  I managed to put “cheesecake” and “sex” in the same conversation. Sounds like a little slice of Heaven, if I don’t say so myself).

5 Secrets of Sexually Confident Wives

1. Don’t wait for perfection.

Do you think everything has to be “just right” in order for you and your husband to have sex?

You have to be well rested.  The house has to be picked up. The kids have to have spent the evening quietly reading books before putting themselves to bed early. There can’t be any dishes in the sink.

Well, sexually confident wives don’t operate that way.

They embrace that life is messy. And they know it is possible to weave sexual intimacy into all the chaos that is inherent with everyday life.

I think one of the reasons I was so paralyzed in making cheesecake is that I really thought I needed all these fancy kitchen tools and the perfect oven and gourmet chocolate shavings and so on and so forth.

That’s just not true.  Waiting for perfection will leave you… well… waiting.

That’s not good if you really want cheesecake.  And it’s not good if you want tender sexual connection with the man you married.

2. Plan ahead.

Don’t confuse “plan ahead” with “things need to be perfect.”  As I said above, waiting for perfection isn’t going to pan out very well.

However, with regard to planning ahead, cheesecake bakers know the secret of setting their ingredients out ahead of time so they are at room temperature.  In other words, the cheesecake will turn out better if you plan ahead.

Same is true of sex.

Planning ahead simply means that sexually confident wives have mastered the art of all-day foreplay and preparing themselves for sex.

Do you wait to get in the mood for sex or do you spend the day getting in the mood?

I encourage you to become more intentional about setting the mood for sex — a tone that you begin early in the day with your husband that sends the message that sex is on the menu tonight.

Sure, a sexual quickie now and then is nice, but some of the richest sexual encounters happen after the groundwork has been laid throughout the day.

3. Find pleasure in it.

When I make cheesecake, it brings me tremendous joy to know that not only will others partake in the outcome, but I will as well!

When it comes to sex, your pleasure matters.

If you view sexual pleasure as just something for your husband, then you will quickly grow weary of sex.  But if you learn that those intimate moments between just you and your husband are meant to be pleasurable for both of you, then you will see sex as a blessing.

Not a burden.

I’ve written extensively about orgasm and you can find those posts on this page on my site.  I also wrote a post here on Engaged Marriage titled “Wives, Do You Know Why Your Orgasm Matters?”

4. Add variety.

Some Christian wives hear the words “sexual variety” and immediately feel anxious, thinking that such variety means sexual acts that are outside God’s guidelines for the marriage bed.

Not so! Sexual variety is definitely possible without sinning.

God after all is creative!  I believe He gives a husband and wife tremendous freedom within the exclusivity of their marriage to explore sexual pleasure.

Try different positions, various types of touch and other aspects that engage all the senses (guys tend to be very visual, so your husband would likely enjoy seeing your body more!)

When I’m making a cheesecake, I rarely make plain cheesecake.  I branch out and make turtle cheesecake. Or white chocolate raspberry cheesecake. Or Irish Cream cheesecake.

You get the picture.  Sexually confident wives love adding variety — and embracing it — during sex.

5.  Learn new skills.

I was reading the paper one day and saw a review of a book titled “125 Best Cheesecake Recipes.” I couldn’t sign on to Amazon quick enough!

As Christians, we now have ample access to books and resources on sexual intimacy in marriage. I literally have three bookshelves full of Christian sex books.

If you want to better understand the gift of sexual intimacy as God sees it, as well as learn new techniques, you can do that!  For example, I just co-authored an eBook titled Pursuit of Passion: Discovering True Intimacy in Your Marriage.

I’m not trying to plug my book (well, maybe I am a little).  I’m just saying that you can learn more about sex from trusted Christian authors and bloggers.

Whether you are making cheesecake — or making love — follow the secrets that will leave your husband coming back for more!

Any other secrets you would add to the mix?

About the Author

Julie Sibert writes and speaks about sexual intimacy in marriage. You can follow her blog at www.IntimacyInMarriage.com. She lives in Omaha, Nebraska, with her husband and their two boys. When she's not writing, she's probably drinking ridiculously overpriced coffee.