In recent years, more stories and reports of sexless marriages appear in the media.
This is not because the prevalence of such marriages has risen, but due to the fact that we, as a society, have become more open in discussing this issue. I’ve even seen stories about the sexless relationships of various celebrities, which goes to show how mainstream this topic has become.
And it should be mainstream because sexless marriages are much more common than you would suppose. According to a survey done a few years ago, more than 15% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, the criterion for being classified in the sexless marriage group.
So, we know that this is a common problem, but why?
What causes a Sexless Marriage?
There are a few known culprits:
1. Physical issues – various medications may lead to side effects which include a loss of libido. In addition, surgery to the pelvic area and numerous medical conditions may also disrupt a person’s sex drive or their ability to have sexual intercourse. It is important to discuss this issue with your doctor.
2. Stress – The ultimate mood killer is stress. It can take on many forms: economic stress, fatigue-induced stress, excessive workload, and so on.
Being in the mood for intimacy requires a certain calmness. Being under too much stress can place a great strain on any relationship. In today’s fragile economy, excessive stress and anxiety are more common, which may lead to even more sexless marriages.
3. Fatigue – There’s a reason why many couples report that the frequency of their lovemaking plummets in the first year after having a baby. All those nights of disrupted sleep and endless crying can take their toll. When you or your spouse are exhausted, sex may become less common.
4. Lack of variety and excitement – The excitement of a new relationship is like no other. For many couples, maintaining a similar level of excitement is a challenge that they fail to meet. Many marriages grow stale due to lack of variety and excitement in the bedroom and out of it. This can lead to a sexless relationship and make the relationship less stable as a whole.
5. An affair – When either the wife or husband have an affair, the damage to their love-life can be big. This doesn’t just happen when the affair is exposed and one spouse’s feelings are hurt by the action of the other, but may also occur while the affair is concealed.
There is only so much sexual energy and attention that a person can give. If this energy is expended outside the marriage, little of it is left.
6. An unresolved fight – A fierce argument or a fight that has not been adequately resolved can lead to a continual rift in a marriage. In such cases, the lack of sex can be a form of punishment due to the hurt feelings and anger resulting from such a past fight.
What can you do to fix your sexless marriage or prevent one from happening in the first place
1. Make sure that you’re both healthy and aren’t taking any medications which may be lowering your sex drive.
2. Maintain a calm and relaxed atmosphere at home and work to relieve each other’s stress.
3. Make time for lovemaking. It is an integral part of marriage and should be treated as such.
4. Be open to new things.
5. Keep the lines of communication open between you two and be ready to resolve problems as they arise.
If you do all that, there’s a good chance that you will enjoy a healthy sex life and a good marriage.
Have you had any experience with a sexless marriage – any advice you can share in the comments?
Kate Dixon is the author of Fix Your Sexless Marriage, a program that offers sexless marriage advice for men and women who wish to improve their marriage.
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Where would opposite schedules fit in here? I work M-F 8-5 and my husband works Wed-Sun all evening into middle of the night. We do our best…but with 5 kids ages 11 down to 1, sometimes it is very difficult to work sex into our schedules.
Hey Michelle,
Having heard this many of times from my listeners I believe that what you need to do is schedule your sex each week. Check out this video my wife and I did on what we call “Calendar IT”. http://www.oneextraordinarymarriage.com/3rd-annual-7-days-of-sex-challenge-get-set/
Hope this helps you out.
Hi Michelle,
I know how challenging this can be. You and your husband simply need to find the time for both a “date time” and a “lovemaking time”. If you have a date night at the same time every week, your kids will also get used to it and it will be easier to continue having one.
It may seem like a total challenge to find time to do everything that you’re supposed to do — take care of the kids, do household chores, go to work — and be with your husband or wife, but the simplest way to do that is the most obvious: MAKE the time to be with him or her. Cut out the things that can be pushed and postponed for later on and spend that time with your partner instead. The importance of date nights, or just nights off from everything to be precise, should be reiterated because it really is important to set aside time that will only be for you and your spouse. And, like it says on #6, be open to your partner about your feelings, your wants and your needs, and encourage him or her to do the same. This will make both of you aware of each other and of the things that need to be worked on in your relationship (if there are any).
This is a good article, but I challenge the statement that there is no increase in sexless marriages. I can’t find a study to support it, but it seems many who have been watching this for decades think there is an increase.
Some of the things mentioned, like stress and being tied, are more common today than in the past, so I’d expect sexlessness for those reasons to be up. Porn is also a factor, and that is certainly more common.
@Paul I too tend to think there is an increase of sexless marriages.
The truth is that a sexless marriage is very hard to move back on track – it all begins to feed on itself. i blame a lot on unrealistic expectations in the media especially magazines that suggest that sex should be continually amazing and passionate. As Paul points out, porn is certainly a contributory factor. Sure, date nights can help but the fire is very hard toi rekindle.
@Paul, I too tend to think there is an increase of sexless marriages.
Scheduling time for sex… Sounds great. I have tried. Wife complains that all I want is sex and that it is never enough. We are married 22 years and in the last few sex has become infrequent. I would say for the most part we do it once a month but there are occasional bursts where we might do it a couple times in one month or even one week, but then if that happens, it ill usually increase the time to the next time. And when we do have sex, it is usually very aggressive. Sex does not cross her mind at all. She is tired all the time, fatigued, works long hours (as do I) and she has had a lot of stress lately with her father passing. Ok. I get it. I have to give her time and space. But I have done that. I have tried date nights, walks on the beach, dinners, rub downs, ect. I have tried porn to get her in the mood. I have bought her toys. I have bought toys she could use on me to alleviate the thought that she needs to actually have sex to satisfy me. I would be happy with her masturbating me once in awhile. I would be happy to watch her do it. But sex just does not cross her mind. She says she hates that I make her feel guilty about the frequency but she doesnt care because she could do without it. She says it pisses her off when I try to initiate sex and she turns me down because I pout. I have been told by other women to just take it, that once it starts she will get into it and the few times I tried, she did after the first few minutes. We had great sex and then it was over. Then she got mad that I kept trying. Her answer is “its never enough”. She has body image issues but I have made it clear that I still desire her and find her attractive. But lately I am so hurt and angry about it that I dont even look at her when she gets undressed for the shower. I avert my eyes when she is naked because it just hurts to look and then not be able to do anything. I have tried to masturbate for her and she would let me look at her while I do it, but no interaction. And like I said, when we do have sex, it feels like its a chore to her. And it usually becomes very hard aggressive sex. We havent made love in years. And the last few weeks, I think she knows I’m upset so she teases me even more. She will drop sexual innuendos or she will do something that I find sexy in front of me. But god forbid if I make a sexual comment to a funny joke on tv or if I try to push a conversation to the sexual side. Its very frustrating and I’m at the point that I will jump on the first woman who offers herself to me. What are my options here? Really. I could grin and bear it and accept that I will live the rest of my life without sex, I could masturbate and become more emotionally distant as I do so, or I could have an affair. Heck, even porn doesnt do it for me anymore, but the minute I see my wife naked I’m up and ready. She doesnt think there is a problem and when I showed her articles and information on the importance of sex in a marriage, she just ignores me. I even pushed her to go for her anual Pap and Mamo and when I made the appointment for her, I told the doctor to mention blood work to check for hormone or chemical issue that could explain her lack of sex drive. The doctor said she could do that and talk to her about how easy it is to get back on track if an issue is found. She went, had her pap, scheduled her mamo, but she has refused to go to the lab for the blood work. Shes just too busy she says. That to me means she is not willing to even try. Kids are grown and for the most part hardly ever home, so that is no longer an excuse. So back to the scheduling thing…when I sit and think about it, I get more depressed. After being rejected, I think about when our next opportunity might be and then I realize that between our differing schedules and the myriad other things going on in our life, and it could be weeks before we have another opportunity. Like today, we had opportunities all week long but nothing happened. It has only been 2 weeks since last time but knowing we are running to another state this weekend for family events, and then knowing that she is working 1 to 11 most nights next week, its obvious that sex isnt happening for at least another 2 weeks. And knowing that just really bleeping hurts….
My take: The reason your mate won’t have sex with you is because he/she doesn’t like you anymore. At least not the kind of romantic like that one has at the beginning of a relationship.
Being married, you can easily become a roommate, a business partner, a co-parent, even a brother/sister. The more you become any of those things the less your mate will consider you as her lover, intimate friend, sex partner, f..k buddy.
Does that answer the question for every couple? No. But for probably 90 percent of them, yes.
If she likes you–I mean, really romantically likes you–she can’t wait to spend some quality time with you, in your arms, in your bed, staring in your eyes while you screw the sh$t out of her.
It’s not a chore. It’s not a duty. This is her man we’re talking about. And what she does between the sheets is suppose to be for both you and for her.
And if your spouse has been like that since the day you were married? What then. And before you ask, he was a virgin when we got married, porn isn’t an issue, nor is masturbation. He just simply isn’t interested in sex. He never initiates and rejects my initiation constantly. We do it once a week and only because he feels he has to so I stop asking.
We have been sexless for 45 years ! I only had sex once in my whole life and that was our wedding night. It was my first, last and only time. So I can’t really say it was that enjoyable. Husband on the other hand had alot to say. He told me that sex was disgusting, messy, stunk, had no meaning at all, no passion, excitement and it wasn’t worth all the effort. I was told that he never ever wanted sex again with me or any one else, and to this day we haven’t had a sex, intimacy, or love. He moved to the basement and worked midnights all these years so he wouldn’t have to be with me. There isn’t any communication between us its like were apartment dewellers who live in the same building but on different floors. I always wanted to know what married life was like to have kids and a loving family. But it will never happen, my family is depression, lonelyness , my doctor and shrink.
Sex? Whats that? Even the few times we have had it, he got off and left. No emotion at all, no contact really, just like I was a 2 cent hooker. Tried sexy outfits, handcuffs, taking him to naughty stores, researching new positions, etc… Nothing works.
I can’t even get my husband to see we have a problem. He thinks once a week, always initiated by me and only to stop me asking is “normal”. It hasn’t helped that the counsellor we saw (with no medical background) told him his near total lack of interest is “normal”. I, on the other hand, do have a medical background (and am a trained psychologist previously too) and know his lack of interest is very, very far from normal.
But he won’t acknowledge there is a problem, and what I can do when he won’t see that there is?