Marry the whole person. Sleep with the sex machine.

By Dawn Van Ness | Sex & Family Planning

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Love goggles.  Rose tinted glasses.  Seeing the bright side.

We are all aware of the cliches and metaphors.

Chemistry. Chemicals of love.  Addicted to love.

And we are all aware of the science behind love and sexual attraction.

People all have their philosophies and beliefs about love and sexual attractions, based
on nothing more than their own wishes or on the latest front page article of a major magazine.  I haven’t been a believer, unless my experiences and observations were to lead me to believe that love and sexual attraction, due to brain chemistry, are highly combustible, leaving human wreckage behind.

BAM!  HINDENBURG!  TITANIC!  LOVE CANAL!  Sound the sirens!  It’s going down!

Thinking too little.  Thinking too much.

A friend of mine, who I’ll refer to as Poughkeepsie, HEATEDLY disagreed with me, so much so that when I broke off a relationship with a man, she was disappointed in me because I didn’t let “love lead the way.”  Then when she started a relationship with a questionable person, she shut me out, because I saw “chains of love.”

Poughkeepsie was disgusted by the idea that love was chemical, and in no way did she want to believe that love driven by chemicals was ultimately bad for a person.

But for me, the love drug, love potion number 5, the mojo, was purely nature’s deceptive way to get people reproducing.

And Poughkeepsie loved the drug and all its promises of men on white horses and castles and children.

(roark… excuse me)

She believed that the love drug could remake people.  Love potion number 5 could get people to see their partners’ real selves.  The mojo took away inhibitions and freed the inner self.

Woo hoo… saddle up!

I on the other hand saw it differently.

The love drug could remake people’s images.  Love potion number 5 could get people to see what they wanted their partners to be.  The mojo blinds reason, binding and gagging a significant part of the inner self.

…great…bind me, blind me, whip me, punish me, disappoint me…no thank you.

vs

So, so, so…. who is right?!

These days, I would say neither of us.

While I was ready to throw away the baby with the bathwater, she was ready to embrace a million babies like old mother Hubbard.

Neither of us could deal with the reality of love and intimacy.

Yay for being in your 20s…

But love surely has chemical components, and those chemicals help loosen us up for intimacy and sex, and what a wonderful thing that is!

And if you try love and sex without the chemicals, you get makeshift mannequins married with children, and how sad is that!?

Put A in slot B.  Place C on L1 and L2.  Gyrate in ¾ turns.

So what is a homo sapien to do?  This thinking upright human?

Master the chemicals.

Have you ever driven by a restaurant and smelled the grilling meat? Or past a produce stand seeing the bright, shiny tomatoes and watermelons?  And then your mouth watered and stomach growled?

Your body screams, “Pull over!  Pull over!  Yes! Yes! YES!”

If you DO NOT indulge these urges even a little, say, you are  broke and can’t, eventually your body quiets down.

You body whispers, under its nature, “What does it matter… can’t have any anyway.”

But if you let yourself see,

                                   smell,

                                         imagine the the first bites…

Isn’t the anticipation wonderful!  And then the actual first bites practically explode in your mouth!

“Oh, yeah baby!  Yes!”

BUT if you are ethical, before you start anticipating, you’ll slow down and think:  Is this something I want to support?

A road stand can be a farmer.  It can be a family  It can be non-GMO.  It can be organic.

Or maybe not.

A restaurant can be fair/equal employer.  It can be organic.  It can be free-range and grass fed.

Or maybe not.

Wouldn’t it be perfect if all worked out perfectly… without having to think?  Like the white horses and castles?

But not thinking will get you food poisoning at worst. Or perpetuate unethical business practices.

Thinking too much now?  About everything?

The problem with being a thinking thinking upright human about love, sex, and intimacy can be restarting the primitive sex and intimacy.

Too much thinking before before in delicto is bad, bad.

So where thinking and reason got you a great marriage relationship, too much thinking can crack your rose tinted glasses and bust your love goggles!

A serious relationship is indicative of thinking too much.  I’m not going to list the concerns.  OK, I lied.

Laundry List

AND THIS IS JUST HOME!!!!!!!!  Maybe even just one person.

And if you don’t consider thinking, you can be sure you’ll have cavities or gingivitis, a cracked foundation from water damage, a car with a damaged engine, a rabid pet, overgrown yard, clogged arteries, high blood pressure, and a stinky utility room.  And I didn’t even touch paying bills, renegotiating financing, reassessments, college savings, and investment portfolios.

Putting on the Rose

Learning to reduce the thinking stress to find the on switch is important.  So find out how to put on the rose.

It may be a glass of rose and a pretty piece of lingerie.

It may be a glass of mint julep and a slow dance to “Isn’t it Romantic?”

It may be a set of push-ups and some flexing in the mirror.

It may be an alter ego… and pictures.

What brings your sexy back?

Music is awesome.  A good drink is relaxing.  Some stretching and posing in a mirror works.  Some self sex talk.  Now bring in your partner.  Whisper sex promises or make them make promises.

Imagine your favorite sex scene.  Allow them to imagine theirs.

Open your senses.

Feel your body.  As sexy as putting your hands on your partner may be, how does it make you feel?  Tell them.

The next day, share how pleasured you were.  Not “pleased” – there is a tactile and graphic difference.

Don’t just call to say, “Hey, can you pick up the kids?”  Call and say, “I need you, and I’ll keep it warm for you no matter how late it gets.”

And reflect on it all.   In traffic, with the radio on, a good song, take yourself back to you and your partner, and remember highlights.

And let yourself feel.  Embellish.  Get a little flushed.

Your imagination is your produce stand, and those ripe tomatoes are yours, homegrown.  That steak you enjoy at home is all natural.

You marry the whole person.  Responsible.  Invested.

You make love to the sex machine.  Uninhibited and oh so juicy.

And best of all, in a marriage, you two are only sharing it with the person who means the world to you.  This is the diamond you made together, your intimate relationship.

And diamonds are meant to be admired, just like roses, just like lovers.

About the Author

Dawn Van Ness is a married 38-year-old with one child and is managing her own small marketing company, Shy Light Media, and an art and writing career, A Dawn Everyday. She writes for others more than for herself, and is passionate in everything that she does.

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