Do you sometimes have trouble getting your spouse to talk to you? Or really listen to what you have to say?
It’s amazing how often I hear from couples who struggle simple because they “don’t talk anymore.” If you’re struggling with this issue, I hope you will find these tips helpful for establishing healthy two-way communication in your marriage. Even if it’s not a major problem, I think we can all improve in this all-important area!
7 Tips to Get Your Spouse Engaged
1. Be the Spouse You Desire
The first step to getting your spouse to treat you the way you desire is to model for them what that looks like. You can’t directly control their actions, but you can control your own. If you want them to be interested in what you have to say, be engaging and show how much you care about them.
It is so easy to fall into the trap of only reciprocating, but when you take that approach you both lose. Try your best to “suck it up” and be the spouse that you want to be married to. It’s called the Golden Rule for a reason.
2. Speak Their Language
In general, wives crave empathy and husbands crave respect. Do your best to communicate in a way that fulfills your spouse on their terms. I highly recommend that you read The Five Love Languages and apply the principles that you learn as a way to connect in a way that your wife or husband will respond to the best. Speak their love language!
3. Don’t Shut Down
When you are not getting what you want, it is so easy to simply recoil and exact some “revenge” on your spouse by withdrawing. This is not productive, and it will only degrade your communication further. If you haven’t read the great guest post by Stephanie Baffone called “What’s the Secret to a Happy Marriage?“, I highly recommend that you check it out and be conscious to avoid the unhealthy communication patterns that she highlights. Remember, it starts with you.
4. Establish Expectations
Once you’ve gotten your own mind set in the right place, it’s vital that you let your spouse know in clear terms what you need from them. Find some quiet time, turn off the television and tell your spouse that you really need to talk. Sit down face-to-face, take their hands in yours, look them in the eye and really impress upon them how very important this is to you.
Don’t assume that your husband (or wife) really understands how deeply concerned you are about their lack of communication. Tell them.
5. Don’t Expect a Mind Reader
After you’ve been married for a while, it is so easy to fall into patterns. This is especially true in the area of communication where you develop expectations that your spouse knows what you are thinking and how you’d like them to interact with you. Take a few minutes to read “Attention Ladies: Your Husband Cannot Read Your Mind!” and take this message to heart. With guys in particular, you cannot assume that we know what you want…trust me. 
6. Set Aside the Time to Talk
If you want to have a healthy marriage with extraordinary communication, you have to make it a priority. This requires time, although it isn’t as difficult as it may sound. I will be sharing much more on this topic in the near future, but for now please check out one of my earlier posts called “Take 15 Minutes Each Day to Just be a Couple” and start setting aside a little time each day for the two of you to simply interact…without all of the distractions we all face in our busy family lives.
If you’re looking for some really easy, but very meaningful, ways to open up the conversation and feel reconnected in as little as 15 minutes, I’d encourage you to pick up a copy of 15 Minute Marriage Makeover.
7. Affirm, Affirm, Affirm
Make it a point to let your spouse know about the things they do that you like! There is no better way to encourage the behaviors you enjoy than by using positive reinforcement.
My wife and I try to make it a point to tell each other one little thing each day that we liked. This could be as simple as saying thank you for an encouraging text message or sharing how cool you thought it was that they spent time playing with the kids outside while you prepared dinner in a quiet kitchen. A little affirmation goes a long way!
Give It a Shot
If you take these tips to heart and implement them with passion, I am confident that you can make great strides in your marital communication. I realize that some issues run deep, and if you have serious problems or a total lack of respect in your marriage, I would strongly advise you to seek professional counseling.
For those of you who simply feel like your spouse needs a kick in the pants, I’d encourage you to take the first step and try engaging them by taking these actions for a week. I’d love to hear if you are able to make progress toward a more fulfilling, and conversational, marriage!
What other tips would you suggest for getting your spouse to really talk and listen to you?
Photo by monica & quentin
Hi, I'm Dustin. My wife Bethany and I are passionate about helping you live a married life you love.
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I agree wholeheartedly with your first tip, that we cannot control our spouses, we can only control ourselves. So rather than ask myself how I can get my husband to listen to me more, I need to turn that around on myself and ask how I can become a more engaged listener. When my husband and I are having a conversation, I need to take my fingers off the keyboard and face him fully. Too often these days, we’re distracted by the TV, the internet, a cell phone.
I totally agree, Susan! I write about this stuff every day, and I still have to be conscious to give my full attention to my wife sometimes. It is so easy to be distracted!
And I have also learned first-hand in many areas (marriage, career, family, etc.) that I can only change myself and lead by example.
Great post! I’m especially drawn to #1 and #5.
Marriage – in its intended form – is pretty counter-cultural when you think about: you’re supposed to elevate the needs of your spouse above your own. The best place to start is to be the spouse you want be married to – great way of connecting it to the Golden Rule, too!
My wife makes a face when we’re, shall we say “disagreeing”
, and it’s the “why can’t can you see exactly what I’m thinking” face. The funny thing is that apparently I have a similar face. Regardless of the faces we make at each other, we’ve gotten the idea that we can’t actually see what we’re thinking. This reminds us to extend grace to each other, but it also reminds us to use the best words we can to clearly communicate.
Now, when we make faces at each other, one of us will pipe up and say, “Use your words!” That has diffused a lot of arguements, for sure.
.-= Derek Sisterhen | Past Due Radio´s last blog ..099 Past Due – Baby Step Blasphemy & Improvisational Finance =-.
I love it, Derek! I think you have given the Tip of the Day for marriage: “Use Your Words!”
We have to remind our two-year-old daughter of this pretty often, and you are right that we can fall into the same state as married couples.
I like the tip on affirmation. I like getting it, and I love when I can sincerely give it. For the past few years, pretty much every wedding card I’ve given to a new couple has included my personal #1 advice: “Be thankful for each other!” You can never feel like you’re too good for someone and be genuinely thankful for that person at the same time. Affirmation is another way of saying, “Thanks! You are still so important to me!” It conveys respect, love, so many things we crave in companionship.
More words of great wisdom from you, Wendy! I think we can assembled a how-to on marriage from these comments. So far we have:
Pay Attention
Use Your Words
Be Thankful
I guess those lessons we learn early in life ARE really valuable!
Number one is a biggie for me. It’s difficult sometimes when you feel like you’re the only one putting forth effort and being mindful. But it’s important to keep doing it because it does make a difference. Once you stop, you begin to shut down and as you said, that degrades things even further.
And I especially like the final one about affirming things with each other…I’m going to have to start working on that one!
C
Thanks, Cori! I think everyone likes affirmation, and giving it out really does come back around. Of course, it has to be sincere, but I’m sure you can find some cool things to say about your loved ones.
To tell you the truth Dustin, this is not an easy ask. Men are very prone to stonewalling and indifference. However, I believe that we must fight these instincts in order for our relation to grow with our spouses. Marriage is one avenue for growth; without letting go of our selfishness, we will never truly understand our spouses.
.-= Walter´s last blog ..The caveats of blogging =-.
I totally agree with you, Walter. And the point isn’t to transform a man in a chatty girlfriend when that’s simply not our nature. However, we can be good listeners and carry on meaningful conversations even if we do speak half as many words per day as our wives.
These words of wisdom are so important and most relate to any relationship. Healthy boundaries and clear expectations are vital.
Being a big fan of ‘The Five Love Languages’ series, I am impressed that Gary Chapman continues to write and publish new books. I have used strategies (or variations on the same strategies) from four of the books in the series.
Although this blog says ‘engaged married’, I am glad, that although my blog is for single women, that I accepted the high recommendation to visit – I have now added it to my favorites to check most days!
Thanks
.-= Cathy J´s last blog ..Guy Magnet: Part 3 Become Successful and Live Your Life =-.
Thanks so much, Cathy J! I really appreciate your valuable perspective, and I agree that a lot of what we discuss here applies to all relationships. I’m very happy to have your input and look forward to interacting with you often.
That’s a very nice post Dustin, especially for people who fight a lot with their spouses
thanks for sharing
Thanks, Farouk! I really appreciate you being part of our community and taking the time to comment.
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I have done every single one of these things and still nothing, deer in headlights look, why will he not communicate with me!?