Attention Ladies: Your Husband Cannot Read Your Mind!
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As the results continue to pour in from the Help Engaged Marriage “Grow Up” the Right Way Survey, I have noticed two (of many) interesting trends. First, around 75% of the respondents are female, and almost every one of these great ladies said they would like more posts related to Communication in Marriage. Well, be careful what you ask for! 
As I read the responses and noticed that women cited Communication as a huge issue, while it was not a top response for men, it occurred to me that I needed to write a post (many actually) to help bridge the disconnect. To start, I thought I’d deal with an issue that has popped up in our marriage repeatedly over the years. Honestly, it is still an issue, but we are certainly getting better at dealing with it.
So, what’s the big secret?
Wedding Ring Equals E.S.P.
Doesn’t it seem like your husband or fiance should just know that the laundry needs to be done and your sweater can only be washed on the delicate cycle? It should be obvious that helping out with the kid’s science fair exhibit is priority number one the night before it’s due, right? And if you have to tell him that you really like the Russian White paint color for the shelves worlds better than that putrid Eggshell White option, he just doesn’t even know you. I mean seriously, how can the man you love be so darn thick sometimes?
Ladies, I am hear to tell you that he really doesn’t know! Men cannot read minds. And not only can we not read minds, we are oftentimes very inept at picking up on subtle (and not so subtle) hints. Most of the time, we really do intend to please you and help out with all of the many family duties that we share in our households. And we are happy to do so if we are made aware, very clearly aware, of what is expected of us.
So, What’s a Gal to Do?
Whether you have your own kids are not, you are probably aware of how direct you have to be when communicating with children. I am here to tell you that when you really want something to be done correctly and to your exact specifications, your best bet is to take this same approach with your husband.
I am not saying that you treat your husband like a child. But I am telling you that many times your husband perceives and infers with the effectiveness of a child. And we very rarely do a good job of reading your thoughts.
So, you now know that men are thick sometimes (news flash, right?). To get what you want, your best bet is to communicate your desires clearly. This could mean that you write things down with specific instructions when necessary. You can make a real honey-do list, which we actually prefer because we can check off all the great things we have accomplished as we get them done.
When you tell your husband something, make sure he really hears you. If you have something important to discuss, maybe you should bring it up during your 15 minutes as a couple that day to ensure you are fully in tune with one another.
Not So Fast, Gentlemen
Sorry guys, you are not off the hook here. You really need to listen to your wife when she speaks to you. That’s listen, not just hear, as there is a huge difference.
And by all means do some things for your wife and family without being asked. I like to keep a mental checklist (yours could be an actual list) of things that my wife has asked me repeatedly to do over time. I am far from perfect, and my own thickness causes me to forget or overlook opportunities to serve my wife better. However, I strive very hard to remain plugged into her needs, even if they seem menial to me (Russian White?, I mean seriously).
When you take a proactive approach and get things done before your spouses asks, you look like a real gentleman. Trust me fellas, an empty kitchen sink can be a very romantic sight to a busy wife. Okay, so I need to work on that one.
Now That You Know…
For most of you, this post was not necessarily filled with earth-shattering revelations. However, with something as fundamental as good communication skills, I think we can all use a friendly reminder from time-to-time. The important thing is that you actually take some action as a result of reading this stuff.
Ladies, the next time you “wish” your husband would do something, just tell him rather than expecting him to read your mind. It may seem like he should just know, but many times he really does not and getting frustrated about it doesn’t help either of you. Show him the way and he will learn what you expect of him more clearly.
Gentlemen, just know sometimes. Give some conscious thought to something that you could do for your wife without being asked. And do it…tonight. You don’t have to tell her that you read some dude’s post on the internet. Just do it and don’t say a word. When your wife notices and questions you about it, just tell her “I love you, babe, and I know I need to help out more. Please just let me know when you have something you’d like me to do.”
I Cannot Read Minds Either
One final note: I cannot reads minds either. And I really want to help you. I want to help you achieve the extraordinary in marriage, but I need you to communicate with me so I am not relying on my own thick mind to get it right!
If you have already taken the short survey I posted a few days ago, thank you so much for your valuable feedback. There are 54 responses and counting, and this information has been so enlightening for me. I’ll share some of the results with you later so you can see what your fellow readers are interested in.
If you have not taken the survey, please take two minutes and fill it out here: Help Engaged Marriage “Grow Up” the Right Way Survey. And whether you have taken the survey or not, I’d love it if you could leave a comment on this post with your own thoughts about how we can improve the communication in our marriages. The topics you share just might make some great future posts!
Photo by CarbonNYC
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7 Responses to “Attention Ladies: Your Husband Cannot Read Your Mind!”
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Great Post Dustin!
Communication is HUGE for my marriage. I like to tell my wife “Start with the punchline”…to help keep me in the conversation. Sometimes if I know where the conversation is going to end, I can then enjoy the story of getting there.
Stu´s last blog ..What Happens When You Expose Yourself?
Hey Dustin-
Great post.
One of my favorite books about this issue is Deborah Tannen’s book “You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation.” My husband and I listened to it together early in our marriage and laughed as we heard our very selves unfold in her words. She does a fabulous job shedding light on how profoundly different men and women communicate while providing easy adaptable techniques.
A must read on this subject.
Stephanie Baffone´s last blog ..
Thanks, Stu! I really like your approach to communication with your wife. It sounds like you guys really know what makes each other tick.
Thank you, Stephanie! Thank you for the great book recommendation. My wife and I attended a marriage retreat a few weeks back, and it was very focused on the differences between masculinity and femininity (and embracing them). They touched on the implications for communication, but it sounds like Ms. Tannen’s book really gets to the heart of the matter. It’s really fascinating stuff!
First off well said, as we all know communication is key. I honestly believe our wives don’t expect us to be mind readers it really boils down to our way of communicating. Let me give you an example, my wife will often state while working on something ‘boy I am thirsty’; what she expects I have heard is ‘Honey I finished my drink but I’m up to my elbows in something could you please get me a refill’; what most men hear is ‘boy I am thirsty’ to which we think that’s nice, I wonder when the game starts and go off to find out.
Now no mind reading was necessary, a follow up question on the husbands part might have at least shown you were listening. More clarity on the wife’s part also could have helped. But it is the these little miscommunication that leave our wives fuming and us oblivious to the problem.
Thanks, Brad! You are definitely right in pointing out the differences between what we say and what our spouse hears. And this seems to be more of a “wife says, husband doesn’t hear it right” issue than the other way around. Men tend to use less hints and are more direct in stating what we think, sometimes to a fault.
There’s definitely room for improvement on both sides. And given the importance of good communication, we must do our best to keep these differences in mind so we don’t let them affect our interaction negatively.
Communication is everything. I used to have a boyfriend who told me constantly, “I can’t read your mind!” I thought I’d hit the jackpot when I found my husband (and I did!) when he pretty much could read my mind almost all of the time. What I didn’t realize is that he was working like crazy to be able to be that attuned to me, and that’s not fair. In the past two years we’ve been working on saying what we are feeling instead of leaving it to the other to figure it out by non-verbal clues. It is sort of a tough skill to learn–both to express it and learn how to hear it–but I think it is absolutely key to building the foundation of a strong marriage.
So I found a guy that could read my mind and that doesn’t work either. Haha. Thanks for re-posting this one. I really enjoyed it.
Happy New Year to you!
Mrs. Levine´s last blog ..A Happy New Year