Engaged Marriage » Marriage Preparation

Is Marrying Young a Thing of the Past?

Dustin — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 09:00:01 +0000

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Alexis Bonari. I hope you enjoy these insights on young marriage while I spend a few days with my family on a bit of paternity leave. By the way, when we got married, I was 21 and Bethany was 20…and it worked out pretty well for us.

From a purely statistical standpoint, marriage before the age of 25 results in an over 50% probability that the marriage will end in divorce court. Despite the dismal statistics, many young couples still defy the odds and attempt a young marriage.

Speaking as a 25-year-old who met my same-age husband at the age of 19, and married at the age of 20, I can attest to both the joys and pitfalls of early marriage.

Before considering marriage, it would be wise to individually consider the following five questions. This will help you enter into marriage with your eyes open.

Five Questions to Consider Before Marrying Young

1. Can you really say you’ve dated enough/traveled enough/lived alone enough/experienced enough to want to commit to a single person for the rest of your life?

If you have ANY hesitation in answering this question to the affirmative, STOP NOW! You’re not a bad person if you’re 19 and still wanting to experience the dating scene.

You will be a bad person if you agree to marry someone you love and then subsequently cheat on them/blame them for the loss of your freedom and youth. This is a relationship killer, so take note. If, however, you truly feel you have experienced everything you want to experience in the realm of dating or single life, go ahead to the next question.

2. How do you handle money? Do you know how your fiancé handles money? Do you agree?

Finances cause more divorces than infidelity.

I didn’t understand why this was the case until my husband and I were both out of college, out of work, our student loan bills were coming due, and I was pregnant. We loved each other through the whole experience, but the stress was unreal.

He and I have very different ways of approaching finances, and those differences were the source of much of our stress. Figure out where you stand on questions such as: how much debt is too much debt? If we have children will one of us stay at home with them?

3. Do you want children?

This is simple. If you don’t/do want to have children and your partner does/doesn’t, figure out a compromise or leave now.

It is completely unfair to expect someone to change their attitudes towards having children. This is a primal, deeply-seated issue for most people. For those who want kids, refusing to have them is like cutting out a piece of their soul. For those who don’t want kids, guilting them into having children is robbing them of their freedom and sense of self-direction.

No good can come from either option, so find some common ground.

4. Do you agree on basic core values involving sex and how to raise children?

Disagreement is healthy in moderation.

There are, however, some issues that sometimes cannot be resolved if both parties fundamentally disagree. Sex, money and child rearing are the three major categories that cause the most problems. People are highly unlikely to change their attitudes toward any of these, so don’t expect your partner to. If he looks at pornography now, he most likely will in thirty years. You’ve been warned.

5. Do you respect each other’s religious beliefs or lack thereof?

When my husband and I were first married, I was a Christian and he was from a multi-generational family of atheists. His father literally wrote the book on Biblical errancy, and my family went to church three times a week.

Our personal belief systems have changed over the years, but our respect for each other hasn’t. I didn’t try to convert him, and he didn’t treat me like I was a moron who believed in a sky fairy. We would never have survived if either one of us had crossed these lines.

Share Your Story

How old were you when you got married? Do you think that young marriage is a thing of the past or still a wise move?

(photo source)

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Alexis Bonari is a freelance writer and blog junkie. She is currently a resident blogger at onlinedegrees.org, researching areas of online school programs. In her spare time, she enjoys square-foot gardening, swimming, and avoiding her laptop.

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Check out the original post and leave a comment on the blog here: Is Marrying Young a Thing of the Past?

Tags: Children, Communication, Finances, Guest Post, Marriage Preparation, Sex, Spirituality

How to Find the Perfect Engagement Ring

Dustin — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 09:00:39 +0000

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post that I wish would have been available about 10 years ago. Pammy Rosen offers some great insights into the process of selecting the right engagement ring.

An engagement ring is one of the most important purchases in your lifetime, especially for the bride. Most men could care less if their own ring came from a Crackerjack box, but when buying a ring for their bride-to-be, a little education about the types of rings that are available and how they might effect the cost can be a great help.

Here’s how to pick out a ring that will have your bride-to-be blushing while getting your money’s worth.

The Four C’s

There are four key terms to keep in mind when shopping for the perfect engagement ring. Just think of them as the 4 C’s of wedding ring shopping:

1. Clarity
2. Carat
3. Color
4. Cut

There are ways to save money and still get the ring you desire by simply keeping these terms in mind.

The clarity of the ring has to do with flaws that are present on the ring. It is possible to find a ring that may have some minor flaws that are not noticeable by looking at the ring. This can result in getting a bargain on a ring that would have been too expensive to purchase had the ring not had any flaws.

The carat is used to describe the weight of the ring. When buying a gold or diamond wedding ring, this becomes very important as the more the stone or gold weighs, the more expensive the ring will be. Shopping around can help you find the best deal possible for a ring that has a higher carat level.

Typically, the more colors that are present in a ring, the more expensive the ring will be. For grooms on a tight budget, finding a ring that is uniform in color will likely be the best option.

The cut of the ring refers to the overall look and shape of the ring. Rings that are shaped abnormally will typically cost less.

Shape, Setting and Size

The most popular type of rings of course involve diamonds. Whether they are diamond promise rings or diamond engagement rings, those precious stones are indeed a girl’s best friend. While keeping the 4 C’s of wedding ring shopping in mind, you will also want to consider the different types of diamonds available.

The most popular shape of a diamond wedding ring is a round diamond. Keep in mind that a ring can include one stone or multiple stones, but the number of stones will have a dramatic effect on the price of the ring. Other popular shapes include ovals, hearts, pearls and emeralds.

Selecting the right setting for the ring will be important as well. Typically, this means choosing between platinum, white gold, and yellow gold. It is important to be sure the setting of the ring and the stones that will be part of the ring look good together.

And guys, don’t forget what may be the most important part of shopping for your future wife’s wedding ring: the size. Whether it means borrowing a ring she is currently wearing or getting help from someone close to her, you don’t want to spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on a ring that doesn’t fit. Talk about starting off your marriage on the wrong foot.:)

By keeping this and the other tips here in mind, you will be prepared to come up with the perfect wedding ring for your bride-to-be, which can start your long and happy life together.

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Pammy Rosen is a freelance writer for My Jewelry Box, a North American online jewelry store. Pammy is a style and fashion addict who can never pass up a beautiful piece of jewelry. For all of your jewelry needs, visit http://www.myjewelrybox.com/

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Tags: Finances, Gifts, Guest Post, Marriage Preparation, Wedding Day

On Wearing A Ring

Dustin — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 09:00:25 +0000

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from one of my favorite online writers, Ali Hale. And no, the words “jewellry” and “realised” are not misspelled. Ali is in England, and apparently this is how these words are spelled in “real” English.

I’m not really a jewellery person. I’m never sure what to buy, and I always convince myself I don’t need it.

My fiancé, though, has great taste in jewellery. He’s given me various pieces over the five years since we met. My favourites are a beautiful necklace with delicate butterflies on it, which was a 21^st birthday gift… and my engagement ring.

We got engaged last November. For the first month or two, it felt weird to wear a ring. I hardly ever put on jewellery unless I’m going out in the evenings, and I’ve never had any rings. Every so often – perhaps putting on gloves, or preparing to do the dishes – I’d notice the ring.

And every time, I’d smile. Whenever I was feeling down or upset or gloomy about things, just looking at that ring was a pick-me-up.

Much More Than Just a Ring

Back in those early days of dating, the summer of 2005, I would walk around with a goofy grin of my face. Every time I thought of my boyfriend, the guy I’d admired from afar for months, who I’d thought would never notice me … I just couldn’t help grinning.

When I was a teen, I thought I’d never get married. For one thing, I’d never had a boyfriend. For another, I knew I liked my own company. I’m a bit of an introvert, and I like to do my own thing and be my own person.

I was worried that marriage would mean letting someone get too close. I thought that if I wore a ring, it’d mean I belonged to someone.

It’s not like that, though. When I look at that ring, I don’t feel pressured or somehow subject. I feel loved. I think of my fiancé, and I think of how miraculous it is that I’ve found someone who I trust so deeply and care about so much, and that he wants to spend his entire life with me. Me!

The Ring Belongs

After a few weeks of wearing my ring, I realised that it felt odd whenever it was off my hand. If I woke up and forgot to put it on straight away, my hand felt strange, empty, bereft. If I took the ring off, I didn’t feel quite right until I put it on again.

We’ve been having an up and down few months. He’s had exams; I’ve been trying to grow my business. We’re in the middle of moving house. We’re planning a wedding – we never realised quite how many decisions there’d be to make!

It’s easy to get caught up in the frustrations of the moment. But that ring keeps me grounded. It helps me focus on what’s important – our commitment to one another, our lifetime together.

Question from Dustin for the readers: Do you wear a wedding/engagement ring? Is it important to you that your spouse wears their ring?

(photo source)

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Ali Hale blogs about getting more from life over on Aliventures, and has a new ebook out, Regain Your Balance. She’s getting married in September.

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Check out the original post and leave a comment on the blog here: On Wearing A Ring

Tags: Guest Post, Marriage Preparation, New Marriage, Spirituality, Wedding Day

First Comes Love, Then Marriage, Then the Mother In Law!

Dustin — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 09:00:12 +0000

Editor’s Note: This is a fantastic guest post from Rachel Smith. As someone who happens to have a wonderful mother-in-law, I’m a strong supporter of the Mother in Law of the Month campaign mentioned below and think we need more love for the MILs!

Ah, to be newlywed. It’s fun and exciting, and even if the two of you have known each other for years, there seems to be a certain freshness in your relationship. Because now it’s official. Now it’s just the two of you, from here to eternity.

Right?

Enter: your new mother-in-law.

If you just cringed, you are definitely not alone. It’s the Pavlovian Response felt the world over: mother-in-law equals absolutely no fun.

Think about it: characters like Jane Fonda’s in Monster in Law and Endora from Bewitched exploit the image of MiLs as overbearing saboteurs who will do anything to make you run crying back to where you belong (the arms of your own mommy).

And it goes further. When you type “mother in law” into Amazon’s book search, how many of the first 12 books are self-help guides to avoid strangling your mother-in-law? 11.

And further still: the Old Testament quotes “For a son dishonors his father, a daughter rises up against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law…” (Micah 7:6).

The battle between newlyweds and mothers is a tale as old as time – how does anyone not dread Thanksgiving with the in-laws?

The Friendly Monster

But, for those of you sans-MiL who are nodding as you read this, thinking, “Yup. That’s exactly how I imagine having a mother-in-law must be,” I am here to tell you you’re wrong. Not to rub it in, but, in a lot of ways, you’re really missing out.

Full disclosure: I have a fantastic mother-in-law. She’s great. She’s nice, and she is considerate, and she helps with the dishes when we have big family dinners, but she has never once tried to vacuum my living room carpet or taken it upon herself to clean my guest bathroom (a common stereotype of “evil mothers-in-law,” or so I have discovered).

A lot of my friends have great mothers-in-law too. Is it a generational thing?

I hear my boss at work grumble about his MiL flying in from Connecticut. I remember my own mother gritting her teeth when Grandma came to town and brought her own towel because “she just didn’t like” the ones we had.

But all my newly-married friends love having their mothers-in-law visit: they go out to lunch, go shopping, talk about books and movies. It’s like getting a new friend who just happens to be older, wiser, and a much better cook.

Is it just me, or are mothers-in-law actually…kind of cool?

8 Great Things Come Along with a Mother in Law

Your spouse. I’m serious. She was 50% responsible for producing the love of your life.
The inside scoop on all your spouse’s high school boyfriends and girlfriends – along with the affirmation that you are way better.
The source of all your spouse’s favorite dishes and comfort foods. And she’ll teach you, too!
Another point of view from someone who is older, wiser, and has already dealt with any hitches and roadblocks you are facing as a married couple.
A perma-babysitter if and when you have kids.
An excuse to get your partner to finally clean the kitchen floor: “But honey, your mother is coming!”
Insight into why your spouse is the way he or she is. Face it: she’s known that person longer than you.
Someone who is constantly concerned if you’ve had enough to eat, are warm enough, and if you had a good night’s sleep. It sounds overwhelming – but it’s actually really nice.

Let’s Hear it for the Moms

The awesome trend of mothers-in-law who are friends and not foes is the best thing that ever happened to the newlyweds of the world. Pro-MiL campaigns, like Mother in Law of the Month, are increasingly popular and I hope finally breaking that monstrous stereotype. Can you imagine a Hollywood with no more mom-in-law drama to draw from? It sounds nearly too good to be true.

Do you have any good mother-in-law experiences to share in the comments?

(photo source)

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About the author: Rachel Smith is young and freshly married. She writes for Storkie Express, the online stationery store with some of the coolest wedding invitations, graduation invitations, and baby shower invitations she’s ever seen.

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Check out the original post and leave a comment on the blog here: First Comes Love, Then Marriage, Then the Mother In Law!

Tags: Communication, family of origin, Guest Post, Marriage Preparation, New Marriage

The Five Relationships You Have With Your Husband (and a Marriage Prep Giveaway!)

Dustin — Fri, 23 Apr 2010 09:00:42 +0000

Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Cory Honickman. Cory is a marriage educator who specializes in assisting couples during the marriage preparation process. She is also an active member of the Engaged Marriage community, and I’m happy to have her contribution!

Although her words are written from the perspective of a wife, I think the guys reading this will see similar roles in our daily interactions with the wives that we love…

Whether we admit it or not, we all wear several hats in our lives. It doesn’t mean we’re fake or a “poser,” it’s just that different situations call for different versions of us.

There’s the hat we wear at work when we’re taking care to contribute our ideas and relay our professionalism and the hat that we put on when we are spending time with friends and letting loose. There are also the times when we are empathetic and vulnerable.

The reason we wear these different hats is so we can adjust to our environment and the people that we surround ourselves with. Human beings innately want to have relationships and get along with and be accepted by other human beings.

Think about it. What’s the worst punishment for prisoners? What can be even worse then being in prison? Solitary confinement!

Being alone is the punishment for people who are already being punished…and it sucks! Be sure not to be alone in your marriage by identifying and getting comfortable with the different roles you play in your husband’s life.

The Top Five “Roles” in Marriage

Below are the top five roles that are predominant in every marriage. As you read them, think about what beliefs and behaviors could win you an Oscar in the “Movie of your Marriage.”

1. The Business Partner- I’m sure you’ve heard that a Marriage is like a business. This idea is notorious for creeping into some married couples bedrooms because it can sometimes bring monotony or a planned or scheduled feeling to the marriage. The good news is that you can choose to be a Fortune 500 wife and use creativity and enthusiasm to get the job done, as opposed to being a hobby business that eventually gets boring and redundant.

2. The Muse- This is the role where you get to be the inspiration that drives your husband to be all that he can be. Some important things you can do as a good Muse are accentuate his positive attributes by complimenting him frequently, be his cheerleader even he gets thrown off his game and, most importantly, get into his world by showing interest in his passions.

3. The Lover- I LOVE the lover! After being married for 2 or 20 years, the role of the lover takes a choice to make it great! For this role, it’s worth investing in books, classes, games, tele-seminars or anything else that teaches you new skills and tricks to keep your partner on his toes.

4. The Mother of His Children- Being the mother of a man’s child is one of the best gifts you can give your husband. Now he has two reasons to look out for you and protect you. One because he loves you so much his head is in the clouds around you and two you need to be there for his children to be the best mom they could ever have.

5. The Voyeur- Sometimes you will need to sit back and watch what happens in your husband’s life and not say a word. The beauty of being in a healthy relationship is giving one another the space to be your own individual and make your own mistakes. It can be difficult because sometimes we think we know better and can save them from their not-so-great choices, but just being there when things don’t turn out the way he thought can bring you closer than if you start to take on the part of mommy… which is a role you NEVER want to play in the adventure of marriage.

Remember, you can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be the best you to your honey!

Win a Free Coaching Session with Cory!

Cory has graciously agreed to give one lucky winning couple a free one-hour marriage preparation coaching session with her. This session will be conducted over the phone, so anyone can take part!

To enter, please leave a comment on this post and include “PLEASE ENTER ME IN THE GIVEAWAY” as part of your comment. The entry period will end on Monday, April 26th at 11:59 p.m. central time. I will then randomly select one lucky winner from those that enter.

Whether you are entering the giveaway or not, I’d love your comments on this topic. What different “roles” do you play in your marriage? Are there roles that you wish your spouse (or fiance) would play a bit better?

Photo by smoorenburg

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Cory Honickman is Los Angeles’s top Marriage Educator and the creative visionary behind “Reinventing Marriage, Commitment For Modern Emotionally Intelligent Couples”. Cory has coached and consulted to countless singles and couples that now declare that they’ll never have an unsupervised relationship again!

Through interactive multi media programs and systems, private intensives and platinum membership communities, couples can customize their marriage in a way that brings out the best in both of them and empowers them to make smart decisions. When couples want their personalized happily ever after, they call Cory Honickman, whose mission is to decrease the staggering divorce rates that exist worldwide. For more information, go to www.reinventingmarriage.com or call 888-378-5675.

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Check out the original post and leave a comment on the blog here: The Five Relationships You Have With Your Husband (and a Marriage Prep Giveaway!)

Tags: Communication, Free Stuff, Guest Post, Marriage Preparation, New Marriage, Romance