Editor’s Note: This is a great guest post by Thomas Warren.  Thomas asked if he could share his thoughts on jealousy in marriage, and I thought it was a wonderful topic for our community.

Love and trust are the basis for a sound marriage, so if either of these ingredients is missing, you may begin to wonder why you’re in a relationship at all.  While love is something that is maintained emotionally, trust can shaken by both emotional and psychological forces.

You enter into marriage believing that it will last forever and that the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with feels the same way.  But then, for one reason or another, jealousy rears its ugly head.

It is extremely common for married individuals to experience jealousy, and in small doses, it can actually ensure that you don’t take each other for granted.  But if the problem persists, you’re going to have to find a way to deal with it or risk reneging on your vows.

So How Can You Overcome Jealousy?

Communication is a good place to start.  This is really the key to resolving any conflict in a relationship (and to keeping your marriage healthy).  If you have nagging doubts, this is the best way to clear them up.

Maybe you saw a photo from your husband’s holiday party where he is apparently ogling another woman’s derriere.  But when you ask him about it, it turns out that he was in the process of helping an elderly co-worker to her feet and just happened to be turning towards the other woman when the photo was snapped.

By putting the event in context, you can effectively clear up any misconceptions.  If you never confront your spouse, your jealousy will only grow.

When Communication Doesn’t Help

If you really don’t have the tools to communicate effectively (i.e. conversations turn into confrontations or arguments) then you should consider marriage counseling (and possibly individual therapy).  You may find that your feelings of jealousy are irrational, that your expectations are unrealistic, that you suffer from issues of control, abandonment, or low self-esteem, or worst-case, your fears of infidelity may be confirmed.

Whatever the case, a professional can help you work through your feelings.  Let’s face it, we all come into relationships with some kind of baggage that we haven’t dealt with emotionally, and it can color your interactions with your current mate.  If you don’t want to end up frustrated, depressed, crazed, or divorced, you have to be the one to deal with your fears and insecurities.  If it turns out your spouse is a serial cheater, you will almost certainly require the expertise of a licensed therapist.

What You Should Not Do

What you should NOT do is hide your feelings and spy on your spouse.  If you suspect cheating, do you really want to stoop to the same level of lying and sneaking around that you’re trying to expunge?

And what if you find your jealousy is unfounded, but you get caught in the act?  Then you have effectively broken your partner’s trust, which is just as bad.  If you really can’t control your feelings of jealousy and you find yourself engaged in nefarious behavior, then it’s definitely time to seek outside help, because you clearly can’t handle the situation on your own.

You and your spouse should be able to work through anything together and come out of the experience stronger and more committed to each other.  And while cheating is a deal-breaker for many individuals, don’t be too quick to throw in the towel.

A strong relationship can weather even the worst of storms if you agree to work together towards a livable solution.

Have you experienced jealousy in your relationship?  How have you overcome it?

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Thomas Warren is a content writer for GoCollege, one of the oldest and most trusted resources to guide students on how to finance and succeed in college.

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Check out the original post and leave a comment on the blog here: Green With Envy: How to Overcome Jealousy in Your Marriage

Tags: Communication, Conflict Resolution, Guest Post, Spirituality

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While I love talking to my wife, I find that sometimes you just need some time out of the house with a friend to help clear your mind and get a fresh perspective on life.

I find these times to be really refreshing, and I usually come away from a little bar time full of ideas and energy (as long as I don’t overdo it with the beer ).

Beer With A Buddy Time, as I like to call it, is an important part of living a full life and a healthy marriage.

Get Out!

Of course, alcohol doesn’t have to a centerpiece of this time.  While I enjoy a cold, frosty one and prefer to chat at night after the kids are in bed and my family time is over, you can meet a friend for a meal, some great coffee or a round of golf.  The important ingredients are simply you, a good friend and a free mind.

I’m a big believer that guys need guy time, and girls need a girl’s night out occasionally.  It can seem selfish to spend some of your precious time away from your spouse and kids, but this time away with friends can make you a better husband or wife.

I always come away from a good late-night discussion with a new perspective, a renewed focus on what’s important in life and new mental energy.  These benefits certainly carry over into my home and family life.

Sometimes the marital benefits are more direct.  I’ve actually helped enhance (maybe even save) the marriage of friends over the course of several cold frosty ones.  And I can tell you that few things compare to the feeling of truly helping a good friend.

What’s Your Version of Beer With A Buddy Time?

I bet the community here has some great thoughts on this issue.  Please leave a comment and let us know if you agree with the importance of taking time to hang out and talk with good friends.

What’s your favorite way to get together for a great chat?

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Check out the original post and leave a comment on the blog here: Beer With A Buddy: Conversations on Life and Marriage

Tags: Communication, Individual Fulfillment

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Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Louise Baker.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

Nonverbal communication is an important part of how human beings relate to one another.

The important thing to remember is that the unconscious mind is powerful, and it can pick up on many different things about another person even if they are not obvious.

For instance, body language is a perfect example of nonverbal communication. A person’s posture tells people a lot about how that person thinks about himself.

Within a marriage relationship, nonverbal communication is even more important. It has been estimated that over ninety percent of the effectiveness of communication is facilitated by nonverbal cues. Obviously, it’s important to understand how improving nonverbal communication can improve your marriage relationship!

Five Ways to Improve Your Marriage Through Nonverbal Communication

Give these five tips a try in the daily interaction with your spouse and see what a difference you can make without saying a word:

1. Make sure you always express affection.

Nonverbal communication involves things such as eye contact, facial expressions, gestures, body language and other visual and emotional cues. If you never express affection in a physical, non-sexual way, your partner will probably start unconsciously or consciously thinking that you do not love them. So, on a daily basis, express your affection by holding their hand, rubbing their shoulders, or simply holding them in your arms.

2. Pay attention to your spouse’s mood.

One of the hardest things that marriage calls upon a couple to do is step outside of themselves and really pay attention to their partner. Nonverbally, we give out a lot of cues about our mood. For instance, frowning, silence, sitting cross-legged or not making eye contact are clues that our spouse is in a bad mood, while smiling, being open and free in conversation, and looking into your eyes are signs that they are in a good mood. Paying attention to these cues is a great way to improve communication.

3. Use positive language when expressing disagreement.

Nonverbal communication actually plays a role during verbal communication. For instance, when trying to express yourself to your partner, often it is the words that are left unsaid that mean much more than the words that are said.

Using negative language like “Yes, but,” or even “Whatever” in response to a question or a sentence can be problematic. Using positive language like “Yes, and” is better because it avoids any negative reaction from your partner. The tone and attitude of a person is not always verbalized, but it is implied in their voice and words.

4. Do their chores for them.

If you and your spouse divide up the chores between yourselves, a great way to express nonverbal affection is to do their chores for them sometimes. This demonstrates concern as well as affection, and it can be a very pleasant surprise for them to discover you have taken care of some of their work for them.

5. Make small personal gifts and leave them where they can be found.

This can include love notes, flowers, cards, etc. They can be left anywhere, from the bathroom to the kitchen to the bedroom. These represent personal ways of showing affection that make the marriage stronger.

What forms of nonverbal communication have you found most effective in your own marriage?

(photo source)

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When Louise Baker isn’t working on improving her marriage, she is a freelance writer who writes about online degrees for Zen College Life. She most recently ranked the best online colleges.

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Check out the original post and leave a comment on the blog here: 5 Ways to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking

Tags: Communication, Conflict Resolution, Guest Post, Household Management, Romance

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Editor’s Note: This is a guest post by Susan Mallery.  I’m excited to help Susan kick-off a guest writing tour on a series of relationship and marriage sites in support of her latest novel (details below).

Susan is a best-selling romance/fiction writer and a strong supporter of marriage and our efforts here at Engaged Marriage.  Please welcome her and her fans to our community!

Everyone’s gone to dinner with a couple who just don’t seem to like each other.

As you fidget uncomfortably, Mr. Mean complains that his wife washed a red sweater with the whites, then he flashes his pink socks. Mrs. Mean snaps back that if he worked harder, they could afford new socks. They pretend the character slams are all in good fun, but you can hear the vein of bitterness beneath their words.

Worse, you can feel that bitter energy in the room. Spend time with Mr. and Mrs. Mean, and your soul shrivels a little more with every minute.

What Happened to This Couple?

The Means didn’t start out that way. Like most couples, they were giddily in love on their wedding day. So where did they go wrong?

Somewhere along the way, marriage became a competitive sport for this couple. He forgets her birthday, so she “forgets” his on purpose to teach him a lesson. He makes dinner, then figures it’s her job to do the dishes alone, even though he knows she had a tough day at work. She fails to fill up the car, so he deliberately leaves the toilet seat up, which he knows drives her crazy… and then she withholds sex.

They each focus on what their partner is not doing or not giving to them, and they try to balance the scales through retribution or neglect. Couples get into a downward spiral by deducting a point for every slight, intentional or accidental.

Then begins the name calling or a more subtle form of undercutting, such as making the other look foolish in front of their friends. One dig here, another there, and eventually all that acid causes love to erode away.

Let the Games Begin!

Looking at marriage as a competition is not the problem; the problem is the method of keeping score. We need to apply new math. Take the “subtract” key off the calculator, and marriage becomes a fun, positive game of one-upsmanship.

Here’s how the score keeping works:

• Undesirable behaviors: 0 points

He folded the towels wrong, even though she’s taught him the “right” way several times. Under the old rules of score keeping, she would chastise him. Under the new rules, this is not a big deal. Zero points. She can refold the towels if it’s important to her, or she can start folding towels his way. It’s not worth wasting any negative energy on such trivial matters. Remember, no subtracting!

• Desirable behaviors: 1 point

Each partner should be on the lookout at all times for opportunities to award and reward – award points, and reward the effort to earn those points. The reward can be as simple as a warm smile or a kiss on the cheek, or as elaborate as one wants to make it. The point is to notice the good things your spouse does for you, and then try to top them. It couldn’t be simpler. Try to do more for your spouse than your spouse does for you.

In other words, try to ignore everything you don’t like and focus on everything you do like about the wonderful person you married. When you stop deducting points for perceived wrongs, everybody wins the Marriage Game!

Please read Susan’s opening comment below and join in the conversation!

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Susan Mallery knows a thing or two about love that lasts forever. As the New York Times bestselling author of funny, sexy romance and women’s fiction novels, Susan believes that happy endings are possible for couples who treat each other with love and respect, and who approach life with a sense of humor. Visit Susan online at www.susanmallery.com.

Her latest book, Chasing Perfect, is the first book of her new series of Fool’s Gold romances. Fool’s Gold is a charming California wine country town. The town has everything – breathtaking scenery, tree-lined streets, world-class resorts, friendly neighbors… Everything, that is, except enough men. Fool’s Gold is suffering from a man shortage, and no one knows why. Go to www.foolsgoldca.com to read a free excerpt, meet the people, send an e-postcard, and download some fabulous freebies such as a puppet knitting pattern and a cookbook filled with delicious family recipes.

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Check out the original post and leave a comment on the blog here: Marriage as a Competitive Sport

Tags: Communication, Guest Post, Romance

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Swan Attack!

After enjoying a wonderful day of free family activities, we decided to close things out by stopping at a local park to feed the ducks.  We had some old bread and two eager little kids.

Things started off well enough.  As we approached the pond, we had a couple of geese, some white ducks and some gorgeous mallard ducks swimming eagerly in our direction.  And then there was the big swan.

In hindsight, I should have been a bit more cautious about that damn swan.  This thing was big, and it quickly made its way to the front of the breadline, hanging out just on the edge of the water.  We made sure the big bird was well-fed, not that we had much choice as he was aggressively snatching every piece of bread that he could gobble up.

*Flash*

In the blink of an eye (and seemingly in slow motion), the swan was charging out the water and ran into my 3-year-old daughter.  It knocked her to the ground and hissed in her face like she had just talked bad about its swan-mother.  She was terrified, my wife was freaking out a bit, my 5-year-old son was already running back toward the car, and I was instantly caught up in a primal flight-or-fight response.

I started beating this swan in the head with my bread bag while my pregnant wife was carrying my screaming daughter back up the hill.  It was not amused or intimidated by my actions.  I eventually threw the bag at its big, ugly face and joined my family back at the minivan.

Fortunately, my daughter was fine, although “big ducks” are not on her favorites list at the moment.  And everyone had a great laugh at my expense when I went back to the pond to get the plastic bread bag that I had left behind (I didn’t want the non-evil birds to choke on it).  After a long stare-down and some aggressive posturing by both of us, I eventually emerged (running) with the plastic bag in hand.

Lesson Learned: Always carry a video camera.  I have no doubt that my retrieval would have made me a star on YouTube even without the footage of the initial swan attack/defense.

Marriage Lesson Learned: Pay attention to non-verbal communication.  In hindsight, I should have picked up on the devil-swan’s bad attitude and kept my family away.  Tune in to your spouse’s non-spoken cues and you’ll greatly improve your interactions.  But don’t hit them with bread bags.

If You Support Organized Religion, You Are Ignorant (Apparently)

I usually have nothing but awesome conversations on Twitter, and people are generally very helpful and supportive of each other there.  Well, over the weekend, I had my first really negative experience.

An “A-list” blogger and respected internet business person decided to use his platform of 40,000+ Twitter followers to attack first the Catholic Church and then organized religion in general.  I let his first tweet go by and just gritted my teeth a bit.  But after his second asinine statement, I just had to reply to express my disgust.

He responded to me with more barbs and a heated discussion followed.  I let my temper flare a bit and used some choice words that I now regret (a little).  The end result was that this self-professed social media maven blocked me from his account and deleted all of the tweets from our little discussion.  Apparently, he didn’t want his vitriol thoughts to be seen by the world…

I hope you can tell from this blog, my comment responses and my usual interactions in social media that I usually take the high road.  This guy really got me riled, and I lost my head a bit in the process.  I also doubt I’ll be allowed to guest post on his big blog anytime soon.

Lesson Learned:  When you peer into a crack on the surface, you may just find that those you respect are not who you thought they were.  Religious beliefs aside, this guy obviously has a massive ego to feel like he has a right and a platform to talk down to his “followers” and blast their beliefs with the idea that he is going to change their religious convictions.  And it seems to me that a true social media mogul wouldn’t need to hide from his statements by blocking users and deleting his messages.

Marriage Lesson Learned:  Don’t get dragged into the mud when a pig wants to wrestle.  I let this guy push my buttons, and I ended up losing my cool and behaving poorly.  As much as he wasn’t going to change my mind, I wasn’t going to change his either so our entire exchange was futile.  In your marriage, remember that the point of conflict resolution (fighting) isn’t to hurt each other or to “win” but to resolve the issue at hand.

A Final Thought on Sadistic Swans and Blogger Bullies

When you pay attention to the interactions you have each day, I’d bet that you can find all kinds of valuable lessons that you can apply to your marriage.  I am a firm believer that we can take what we learn from a bad situation and use it to improve our lives.

Please remember not to get too close to hateful, mean-spirited animals that think they own the place in which they stand.  And watch out for those swans, too.

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Check out the original post and leave a comment on the blog here: Don’t Feed the Swans…Or the Haters!

Tags: Communication, Funny, Memories

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