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Note: This guest post was written by Surabhi Surendra of Womantics

In his book, ‘How to have a beautiful mind’ author Edward De bono explains how one of the characteristics of a beautiful mind is that it carries on with a conversation for acquiring something meaningful in the end, with the hope of gaining some knowledge and not just for the sake of winning the argument. Same rule applies to relationships.

Always be more focused on understanding your partner and not on simply pulling him down. Carrying on with the argument with the intent of winning eventually wastes a lot of time and energy without any gain and, in the end, both you and your partner will lose.

Studies have proven that the biggest source of conflict in any relationship is ego – the urge to win over the partner.  We are made to be competitive and to look at everything as a test, as a battle to be won and we believe that is how we achieve perfection.

Winning makes us feel secure, strong and safe. But for any relationship, this attitude is disastrous.

Constant conflicts that result in humiliation and hostility finally lead to distance – emotional and physical distance from the partner and thus a relationship becomes totally void of communication!

Every couple knows the dire results of defeating your partner, but still many engage in it. Why?

Some believe that if they hit first, they will be able to avert the shame and bully that they would otherwise experience. They feel that it is the only way to survive in a competitive, argumentative marriage. They think they have just two options – be a hammer or a dust bin and they obviously choose to be the attacker.

There are ways to break this cycle.

With conscious efforts and mutual understanding, a couple can avoid such arguments and in turn convert any discussion into a healthy conversation that results in resolution.

1)      Remember winning means losing – while arguing, always remember that attempts to win actually mean you are losing. Any victory that leads to long-term damage to your partner’s esteem or harms your marriage is your loss.  Your ultimate gain is a successful, happy marriage.

2)      Become a good listener – this will not only help you in marriage but also in your professional life. Good listeners are usually more dependable and they are able to understand things better. If your partner shows resentment, listen to him. Understand what he feels so oppressed about and later with mutual co-operation, try to sort things out.

3)       Develop an atmosphere of trust – When your partner complains, you may not always like hearing him out.  You may completely disagree with him or your ears may simply shout out at the cacophony, but still it is advisable to lend an empathetic and compassionate ear to him. Instead of simply imagining that you are sure what he is going to say, do a reflective thinking and hear him.  With this approach, an atmosphere of trust and open communication is created which gives a solid foundation to the marriage.

4)      Reflect back on your actions and words – It may be true that your partner keeps complaining, but there is likely some ground to his complaints. It is always better to do introspection in peace. If any of your particular habits or words miff him, it is better to not repeat it to avoid any difference.

For example, my husband would get peeved up if I mentioned few things or talked about few people. I could not understand his logic of discomfort, but after having understood him better, I decided to never talk about them. Reason – he was not comfortable with it. His comfort is supreme for me and hence, I changed my way and maintained peace.

5)      In times of disagreement, think of long term effects – I had quit my lucrative day job to settle down peacefully in my marriage at a far off, isolated island. It was okay for a while, but slowly I started feeling disoriented. I missed my work and in the frustration, I started complaining about everything.  I would nag at my hubby for almost everything.

One day my hubby very politely told me, ‘dear, if you keep arguing with me like this, I will stop telling you things. And then I will shrink into my shell and never be able to open up with you’. That day, for the first time, I realized the grim consequences of my nagging and that very moment, I stopped complaining. Thinking of long-term results keeps one focused on making the relationship work and thus helps in keeping unnecessary altercations at bay.

Being understood is the basis of any relationship. Understand your partner, good or bad, and set the base for a rock solid companionship.

(photo source)

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Technorati Tags: Communication, Conflict Resolution, Guest Post, Marriage Preparation

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Note: This is a guest post by Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Ashley Arn.

When you’re married, it’s inevitable that some things your partner does, or doesn’t do, will drive you nuts.

It would be great if we could love everything our partner does, but it just won’t happen.

Truthfully, if our partner did every single thing we wanted, it would be great at first, but then even that would become annoying!

I absolutely adore my husband and am simultaneously extremely annoyed by some of the things he does at times. Some things about our partner are bound to get on our nerves, but how we talk about these things makes all the difference.

What do most people do in these types of situations?

Most of us either don’t talk to our partner about what we don’t like and get resentful or we talk to our partner in a very blaming and non-helpful way.

Today, I’ll show you how you can talk to your partner about anything that’s bothering you without starting World War III in your household.  Throughout the article, I will use he and she interchangeably because both men and women could benefit from learning these strategies!

Step 1: Separate Your Partner from What He Does

Often, when we don’t like something our partner is doing, we criticize him as a person.  Instead of telling him you don’t like that he leaves his dirty dishes on the counter, you tell him he’s selfish and uncaring.

It may sound like this:

“You’re so selfish!”

“You’re a jerk!”

“You don’t care about what I want!”

“You always do that.”

The key to talking to your partner about what you don’t like is to separate your partner’s behavior from who she is as a person.

We all make mistakes and do stupid things.  I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be categorized based on all of the stupid things I’ve done.  Your husband will at times in your marriage act selfish, uncaring, etc.  I know I haven’t been a loving saint to my husband every minute of every day.  We are all mistake-prone human beings.

The beauty of life is that acting selfish once in awhile doesn’t make us selfish to the core.  If your wife is yelling at you it doesn’t make her a “yeller” at heart.

I often counsel parents and one of the biggest things I see is children feeling like a failure because they failed a test or didn’t make the team.

When the parents are able to separate their child from the child’s problematic behavior, it gives the child room to make mistakes and still have a sense of self worth.

In fact, these parents can be more harsh on the unwanted behavior as long as they are still valuing the child overall and the same applies to your marriage.

You can actually voice your concerns more strongly if you focus on what your partner is doing and not who your partner is as a person.

Don’t turn your partner into a bad person for making mistakes or for doing something you don’t like.

Instead, do just the opposite!

Step 2: Give ‘em a Good Reputation

Start the conversation by telling your partner what you like about her as a person or her behaviors in other areas.  Give your partner desirable labels and a good reputation to live up to.

For Example:

“I know you really care about me and our family.  You work so hard all day and I am really grateful.”

“You show me love in many ways and I appreciate how you make our children laugh.”

You married this woman remember?  What do you love about her?  What attracted you to her?  What little things does she do that you maybe take for granted?

My husband cleans our cat box every day without fail and I tell him all the time how much that means to me.  (I’m sure it means a lot to our cats, Sassy and Buzi too, but they just can’t seem to thank him for it, so I make sure I do.)

So, anytime you’re going to talk with your partner about something you’d like changed, start by reassuring her you’re okay as a couple.  Tell her you love her and give her a good reputation overall.

Step 3: State What You Don’t Like by Sharing Your Observations

When something is bothering you, stick to sharing only what you’ve observed your partner DOING.  Focus on your partner’s visible, indisputable behaviors.  This is not the time to criticize or mind read her insides (intentions, desires, thoughts, feelings).

Stick to talking about what you can see or hear.  Beginning this way helps to avoid defensiveness and blaming.

For Example:

“You’ve been coming home hours later than before.”

“You leave your socks on the floor right where I have to walk over them”

“When I wash the dishes you tell me I don’t clean them right and ask why can’t I remember how to do them in a harsh tone of voice.”

“You’ve been spending more time with your friends during times we would’ve spent together before.”

“When I talk to you after work you look off into the distance and don’t ask about my day.”

“You’re checking your phone frequently during our time together.”

Step 4: Share Your Story Tentatively and Vulnerably

Next, you want to tentatively and vulnerably tell the other person the story that’s been playing in your mind about these observations.  Be careful not to become defensive or blame the other person here.

You just want to tell them the assumptions you’ve been making based on your observations.  Use “I” statements while expressing how you’ve been feeling about these observations.

Remember, this is your story about what has been happening.  It is not a fact!  Present your story as one of many possible explanations or stories for what you’ve been observing.

Example:

“After noticing you’ve been spending more time with your friends and being on your phone during our alone time, I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach and beginning to wonder if you still love me.  I can’t seem to get this out of my head.”

Step 5: Genuinely Seek to Learn Your Partner’s Story

After sharing your observations and feelings about the situation, genuinely ask the other person to express her story or views of the situation.

It’s important to stay curious and want to learn your partner’s point of view rather than be right or win an argument.

Examples:

“I’d really like to hear your opinion on this.  Could you please share it with me?”

“I want to know how you see the situation.”

“Don’t worry about hurting my feelings, I really want to hear your thoughts and feelings.”

“Am I totally off here?  Can you help me understand what’s been going on?”

Step 6: Share Doing Wants

“Doing Wants” are what you would specifically like to see your partner doing. Tell your partner what you would like to see them do or say. “Doing Wants” are not used to tell your partner to change his insides (intentions, thoughts, feelings).

This is like the famous line “I want you to WANT to do the dishes”.   That won’t work.  Just tell him you want him to do the dishes.

Again stick to what you want them to specifically DO that you could see or hear.

So, if you’re thinking “I want my partner to give me more attention” then get specific. What would giving you more attention look like to you? How can your partner DO “more attention”? Then let your partner know these specific actions.

Example:

“When I come home from work, I would like it if you would shut off the television, give me a kiss and say something like “any ideas for dinner honey” in a loving tone of voice.”

One important thing to remember is that “Doing Wants” are merely requests. You are telling your partner what you like and what works for you. That doesn’t necessarily mean she will be able to, or even want to, do it.  “Doing Wants” are best delivered in with a non-demanding and loving attitude.

Step 7: Catch Your Partner in the Act with Doing Praise

Look for moments when you can catch your partner DOING something you appreciate. Look for mundane, taken for granted actions to praise your partner for.

Tell your partner that you noticed and really liked it that she cleaned the cat box or made a delicious dinner, instead of just expecting it.

Most importantly, if you catch your partner in the act of one of your “Doing Wants”, let him know you noticed and appreciate it, even if it wasn’t perfect.

Wrap-Up: Overcome Relationship Difficulties by focusing on DOING

Remember, when you have relationship difficulties, take your target off your partner’s back and put it on his specific actions that you’d like to see change.

1. Separate Your Partner from What he Does
2. Give ‘em a Good Reputation
3. State What You Don’t Like by Sharing Your Observations
4. Share Your Story Tentatively and Vulnerably
5. Genuinely Seek to Learn Your Partner’s Story
6. Share Doing Wants
7. Catch Your Partner in the Act with Doing Praise

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Ashley Arn is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and she provides Relationship Advice and Counseling to Professionals.   Get Free Relationship Tips and access to “25 Shocking Habits that could be Sabotaging Your Relationships.” at   http://crucialhabits.com/

(photo source)

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Note: This is a guest post on a fascinating topic by Naomi at Power of Two Marriage Blog.

It’s safe to say that no one dreams of a marriage full of constant bickering, passive aggressive anger, and a non-existent love life.

However, when it comes down to living intimately with one other person—making decisions, dealing with differences and quirks, raising children—this is the reality that many, if not most, couples face at some point in their relationship.

Why You Should Consider Couples Counseling

Couples counseling exists as a resource for all married folks—from those with minor problems to couples who are on the brink of divorce—to repair and renew their relationship. Numerous studies have proven that certain counseling approaches lead to dramatically better marriages.

At the same time, couples counseling remains, in general, taboo in America. Many people feel very uncomfortable with the idea of seeing a therapist. Part of this stems from a misunderstanding of what couples therapy is and what it can provide.

A key part of couples counseling is to help you and your spouse analyze habits of communication and action to figure out what is leading to the unpleasantness in your marriage. Most of the time these are things you don’t even realize you’re doing!

From there, you can learn skills (yes, skills) for how to communicate effectively and increase positivity. But wait, you say, nobody needs to teach me how to interact with my spouse!

Think about it this way: if you’re in any sort of sales or mergers position in a business, chances are you will be trained on how to negotiate, make decisions, and communicate effectively. Marriage is not just love, it’s also negotiating a partnership, and it requires similar skills!

Marriage counseling gives you a really useful tool kit for this purpose.

The Power of Solo Therapy

So, you see some problem areas in your relationship, and you’re ready to move forward with marriage skill-building. At the same time, the problem looms: what if my spouse refuses to do it with me?

This may be the #1 deterrent for couples who could benefit from marriage education.

The good news is: you can go it alone and still make a huge difference. Yes, it’s best when both individuals in a couple take on a project by learning and practicing.

At the same time, one spouse upgrading his or her skills will still raise the quality of interactions of both of them. Why is that?

The old saying, “a rising tide raises all boats,” is oh-so-true when it comes to your relationship. This is because the atmosphere of a marriage involves two people reacting and bouncing off each other, both setting the tone and pattern for interactions.

As one person learns to stop acting in anger and to give forth radically more positive energy – more affection, appreciation, playfulness, insight, and willingness to apologize for mistakes – both spouses feel better.  In turn, feeling better builds patience for handling problems in a more respectful way.

Add in new communication skills for talking about sensitive issues, and solving problems becomes easier, leading to even more positive feelings.  In this way, one person’s learning launches a positive cycle of feeling and doing better for both of you.

Try out changing little details of your behavior today, and see what an impact it has. For example, set a goal of giving your spouse 10 compliments today. Or, keep track of each time either of you use “but” when you argue, and then use “and” instead.

If you’re interested in learning more about marriage and relationship education and counseling, check out Power of Two Online (http://poweroftwomarriage.com). Po2 is a web-based interactive approach to help people improve their relationships. It’s full of fun activities, videos and games, and each user gets paired with a real live coach to guide them on their way. It’s a great opportunity to learn powerful skills on your own, or with your partner.

Have you had any experience with marriage counseling without your spouse?  What do you think of the idea? Please share in the comments!

(photo source)

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Editor’s Note – This is a guest post from Shaheera at The Vantage Journey.  As someone who has studied sexuality, I see a lot of truth in these discussions about masculinity and femininity.  However, I’m guessing there are some diverging opinions, so be sure to share in the comments!

Since the beginning of time, relationships have been seen to consist of two properties, Feminine and Masculine.

It’s hard to pinpoint just exactly what each role entails but generally, when we look at history and the effects of hormones (Estrogen linked to Feminine and Testosterone linked to Masculine), it’s quite easy to detect.

Masculine roles are usually strong, aggressive and more logical or analytical. Feminine roles, on the other hand, are generally more sensitive, nurturing and intuitive.

For a healthy relationship to flourish, both gender roles need to be present to balance things out. Now, note the terms ‘healthy relationship’ and ‘gender roles’.

Sure, there are relationships that can survive with only one gender role present. However, they might not last long and could be interspersed with a lot of emotionally charged events. Though some might think of this as a good thing, in the long run, it might prove to be too mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Healthy relationships do not suck the life out of you. They help you grow and be better, not burn you out every time you’re with your partner.

Why can’t we both carry the same gender role? Why can’t we both be aggressive or sensitive?

Just think about it. If an argument broke out between a couple and both of them were to be aggressive, would you think things would settle down fast? It takes one person to be calm and passive (at least until things calm down) in order for the situation to unfurl itself and become less tense. Only then can they take the time to solve their problems maturely.

Sometimes Men are from Venus and Women are from Mars

‘Gender roles’ are also not restricted to the gender itself.

We don’t strictly define women as being feminine or men as being masculine. We have seen many wonderful men playing feminine roles in a relationship, whether they’re straight or gay. Which leads us to another point, two people in a same-sex relationship could still be fulfilling both gender roles without necessarily realizing it. After all, you don’t need to be a man to be dominant or aggressive, right?

Therefore, we’re not going to emphasize the genders themselves. What we want to focus on are the roles and how much we need both sides of the coin in order to make a relationship work.

It doesn’t matter which gender plays which role, because people and relationships are diverse, as long as both roles are present in a relationship at the same time.

Opposite Gender Roles Complete Each Other

1. Arguments

When there are two people living in close quarters and sharing everything with each other, there’s bound to be some misunderstandings and quips along the way. There are absolutely NO couples out there who have never once fought or argued with each other. Therefore, it’s safe to say that arguments are a part of relationships, whether we like them or not.

• Resolving

Like the example we mentioned above, having both gender roles present allows arguments to resolve easily. Another example is that when the feminine trait of being sensitive drives an argument, the other person can’t be sensitive, too. Imagine if both parties can’t stop crying and feeling hurt about what the other person has to say. The argument would be endless! The other person has to be more stable so that he/she can calm the sensitive person down.

• Solving

Once the situation has been resolved, the couple would have to reevaluate what caused the dispute in the first place. When both gender roles are present, problems can be tackled from many different directions due to the variety of traits present in the couple. There’s logic and intuition, sensitivity and tact. This way, there will more than one option to solve the problem.

•  Preventing

Understanding your partner and how each gender role works will help you prevent arguments from happening in the future. You already know which traits you possess that can balance out your partner’s, so use it to your advantage.

2. Spice it Up

Besides dealing with arguments, a relationship strives on the passion and love between both individuals. Having two different gender roles present will allow things to be unpredictable occasionally.

If both people behave the same way, sparks will slowly start to fizzle out because they know what the other person has to say or will do before it even happens. It’s kind of like dating yourself, which of course will bore you eventually, or else we’d all still be single now. Opposite traits will definitely spice things up and ignite that passion.

3. Teamwork

Opposite gender roles will also make the couple a great team. Each person will bring a different perspective to the table and the combination of these outlooks will make them formidable. Couple this with their ability to resolve, solve and prevent arguments, and they will definitely be a force to be reckoned with.

Besides that, in times of need, opposite gender roles will be there to balance each other out. If one of them has their logic stump them in dire conditions, the other might rely on their intuition to help find a solution.

Gender Roles and Fluidity

As explained above, these roles are not restricted to the gender itself, as not all men fulfill masculine roles and not all women fulfill feminine roles. Besides that, these roles are also not restricted by time or responsibilities. Just because you’re deemed as the ‘masculine’ one, it doesn’t mean you have to be masculine or that you have to do masculine tasks all the time.

Gender roles are meant to be fluid in a relationship. They should be able to evolve throughout the relationship and they may switch between both parties at any given time. The key here is tolerance and a mutual desire to sustain and work for the relationship.

Making Fluidity Work

1. Being Observant

In order to make full use of the fluidity of gender roles, we have to be very observant with the changes in our partner. It’s important to note when they might change their behavior, what behavior they are exhibiting and how long this phase usually lasts.

2. Knowledge and Research

Besides that, we also have to do our own research on the kind of traits that complement our partner’s change in behavior. Now, we shouldn’t find the exact negative opposite of our partner’s characteristic, such as using insensitivity to counter sensitivity. What we need to do is figure out positive traits to help balance out our partner’s change.

So perhaps instead of being insensitive, we could use our logic and lai- back attitude. It takes a little digging around and experimenting to find out what really works with our partner so it’s best to put in more effort for it.

3. Quick to Act

Once we’ve deciphered what traits need to be present to balance things out, we have to be quick to act, especially if we know that this change in behavior is going to cause rifts in the relationship. We have to instantly switch our roles if we want to make the relationship work, at least for the time being.

If switching gender roles is going to be a long term thing and one party is not comfortable with it, then the couple has to discuss what they can do and where they can take turns to hold different roles. It will be very tiring to hold a gender role you’re not used to having for long periods of time. Therefore, it’s best to work out what makes both of you comfortable and perhaps decide when you’re able to switch roles.

For Lovers Only

The tips and opinions provided above are solely meant for romantic relationships. Gender roles are not as important in platonic friendships because we can have many different friends that provide both gender roles that we seek at different times. Lovers, however, can’t be changed (unless you’re in an open relationship), thus the fluidity is important. Gender roles are also not as apparent in parent-child relationships.

Let’s try a little experiment and make a list of what qualities we and our partners possess. From there, segregate them into masculine and feminine roles.

Chances are both people might have both gender roles present, although one might be more prevalent than the other. Then, try to figure out how we can complement each other with traits from opposite gender roles when a situation arises. Practice it when you can and have fun!

 

Shaheera is one half of the team behind The Vantage Journey. She’s the blog’s co-writer and Tariq’s personal cheerleader.

They’re striving to create a better version of themselves and wish to share their journey with their readers through their blog, The Vantage Journey. They’re not experts but they have enough challenges thrown at them to allow for psychological experiments and self help exercises. They hope that their experience can help other people cope and improve their lives, too.

They plan on taking their passion to the next level in the future, with books and a coaching program in the pipeline, which will include various disciplines from relationships to health. Find out more about them here:

Blog: www.thevantagejourney.com

Twitter: www.twitter.com/tariqshaheera

Facebook: www.facebook.com/thevantagejourney

(photo source)

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