Enjoy More Quality Time Together!

Enter your email below to join the Marriage Time newsletter & get the very best tips to help you live a
married life you love. Plus, we'll send you these powerful tools:

  • Love Everyday - an amazing e-book enjoyed by over 110,000 readers!
  • Marriage Mojo: 7 Simple Steps to Romance for Insanely Busy Couples
  • The EM Essentials - our very best tips & advice sent straight to you

Join over 15,000 busy couples who enjoy our free newsletter and start taking your marriage to the next level today.

Ask the Community: Should Your Spouse “Friend” an Old Fling on Facebook?

I receive a lot of emails from readers, and I rarely share them here on the blog because they are either too personal or too specific.  Well, I recently received a message that I thought would be best addressed as a community, and the sender encouraged me to share it with you to get your feedback.

Here’s the message:

I had a situation happen to me today that I thought might make a good discussion topic for your site – proper social networking etiquette / behavior for married people.

Today, I had an old boyfriend send me a friend request on Facebook. I decided to ignore the request. I haven’t even thought of him in 13 years and there was a good reason I broke it off then.

Is this really someone I want to share the details of my life with anymore? No. Would I be cool with my husband “friending” an old flame? Honestly, I would probably be a little weird about it. Some people are best left in the past.

Here’s where you can help.  In the comments below, I’d love to get your opinions on this situation.

How would you feel if you were the one receiving the friend request?  Would you feel the need to ask your spouse before you accepted or ignored it?

Would you care if your spouse “friended” an ex-boyfriend or ex-wife?

Do you think Facebook and other social media relationships are totally harmless, or does it actually mean something when you accept “friend” status with someone?

By the way, if you have a question that you’d like to “Ask the Community” here at Engaged Marriage, please send me a message and let me know!

(photo source)

Opt In Image
Reignite the Passion in Your Marriage…No Matter How Busy You Are!
See what you can do in just 15 minutes a day...

Discover how you can refresh your marriage and rock your communication, romance, sex life and finances in just 15 minutes a day.

It's time to enjoy each other the way you did before your busy life got in the way.

About Dustin

Dustin Riechmann created Engaged Marriage to help other married couples live a life they love (especially) when they feel too busy to make it happen. He has many passions, including sharing ways to enjoy an awesome marriage in 15 minutes a day, but his heart belongs with his wife Bethany and their three young kids.

Comments

  1. I probably wouldn’t ask my husband about it, because I wouldn’t want to make him uncomfortable by bringing up past relationships, but I also wouldn’t “befriend” an old flame. I would just ignore the request. Like the original writer noted, some people are best left in the past. That’s probably a smart move.

    I wouldn’t say it’s necessarily wrong to befriend an old flame, though, depending on how intimate your relationship was then and whether there are any lingering feelings on either side. My husband is facebook friends with one of his ex-girlfriends (I’m friends with her too), but he and she are both happily married to other people now and there are no residual romantic feelings on either side. It doesn’t bother me.

  2. I agree with Kathleen, that it depends on the nature of both relationships, past and present. In either case, if the current spouse has *any* reservations whatsoever, then just don’t do it. It’s not worth causing hurt feelings. (And if it’s that important to you, then that’s a whole other discussion!)

    Facebook is as harmless as you make it.

  3. Eric Phillips says:

    I think it depends on the old relationship. My wife and I both have “friends” from our past on Facebook. At this point, I look at a high school romance as just another friend from my past.

  4. I think Kathleen has hit it on the nose. A big “it depends.” It depends on the relationship you had, what feelings you might still have, what feelings they might still have. Also, if your spouse has an issue with it — no matter what your relationship with the past flame — then no friending old boyfriends or girlfriends. It’s more important to honor their feelings than catch up with an old beau!

    But, often, it’s a non-issue. I am friended with a couple of past boyfriends. One is married, one is not. My husband is NOT concerned. He actually friended the unmarried one before I did. There are a few past boyfriends that I would *definitely* not friend on facebook — mostly because I do not want them in my life at any level. My husband only has 2 past girlfriends, and both seem to fall into that category!

  5. My husband can friend anyone that he choses. If I didn’t trust him, I wouldn’t have married him.

    There are one or two old boyfriends from high school that I retain as friends and those relationships were not much more intimate than my other friendships. Generally, I choose not to friend most of my old boyfriends because there was a reason that I cut them out of my life back then – so why would I want them to be part of my life now?

    I understand that my perspective is different than others’ because my husband and I are each other’s only sexual partner. This adds a level of intimacy and trust between us that ensures my confidence in our relationship and I do not feel threatened by my husband’s other relationships at all. And for the record, we see some of his former girlfriends around our small town on a regular basis.

  6. There’s a big difference between “friending” your old middle or high school boy/girlfriend and a more recent ex. I’ve got a couple of my old boyfriends on Facebook, all of whom are now married and have babies. I guess I agree with what the previous comments have said…it all depends on the nature of the relationship!

  7. It’s always been our policy that we would not send friend requests those we had had relationships with, but if they sent one to us, then we would take it on a case by case basis. My wife is currently “friends” with a high school boyfriend, but i don’t mind. they haven’t interacted on it since she accepted the friend request.

    I don’t think friend status on Facebook means very much, it has little to do with actually being real friends with someone.

  8. No. As a survivor of infidelity, I cannot tell you how many people I have seen whose spouses began affairs with old flames. While you may trust your spouse, there are many factors that lead to a slippery slope. Why risk your marriage?

    Additionally, affairs that come from re-kindling old flames are the ones that are most likely to end a marriage.

    Before you or your spouse add a former fling onto a social network, please read the book “Not Just Friends.” The author, Shirley Glass, passed away years ago but her book is still one of the most helpful when it comes to preventing and recovering infidelity.

    If you have ‘unresolved issues’ with a former fling, work those out with your spouse. Closure is a myth- there are many people who move on without being able to confront those that injured them.

    • The best and wisest comment I’ve read about adding a former boyfriend/girlfriend as a Facebook friend.
      Thanks for your great insight!

    • Best answer! been there, done that, and even though my husband and i survived it and came out on top… it was not worth the trouble and the feelings that still linger today. Respect your relationship and leave your exes in the past! let’s be real about it!

    • My husband has almost ruined our marriage of 20 years, with 3 years of secret “chatting” on FB with an old flame! I had trusted him completely before this. Initially when he friended her on FB, he told me, and I told him I was worried about it, as he used to be crazy about her, but he apparently ignored my concerns, and started hiding the conversations and lying to me about it! I finally found out, and it has stopped, but it has eroded at my trust in our marriage and in him. Old flames are best kept in a shoebox in an attic!

  9. Erica Warren says:

    I don’t think it’s a big deal to be “friends” with exes on Facebook. I guess there are some cases where the relationships may have been more recent and so you may not want to have any contact. But my husband and I have been married for 7 years so at this point no one is very recent. And we don’t really spend time worrying about who each other’s friends are. We just trust each other.

    I also agree with Eric’s comment that Facebook friend status doesn’t mean very much. I’ve noticed that a lot of people just collect up as many “friends” as possible. And a lot of the time they just send you a friend request but never actually interact with you in any other way.

  10. I’m with you, Jem. It’s out of a desire to serve my spouse that I don’t friend any ex-girlfriends; I don’t want her to doubt my integrity and commitment to our marriage for the slightest moment. It’s also because I want to avoid the temptation of wondering “what might’ve been” had I never broken up with those girls. That’s not a good thought process for a married man.

    I read recently that nearly 60% of couples entering marriage counseling right now say Facebook (and reconnecting with old relationships) is a contributing factor in the marital stress. Yikes.

    I often think of “When Harry Met Sally” when it comes to this whole discussion. Is it really even possible for men and women to be friends? Harry says it isn’t, because either the man or the woman will want more out of the relationship than friendship. Now, I happen to disagree, because I have many female friends without a desire for more than friendship. However, when you enter an ex into the equation – where there was a romantic connection at one time – I think it’s pretty tough to strike the balance.

    Besides, who are we kidding, if you make friends on Facebook with an old flame, you know very well that you’ll be looking at everything going on in their lives (their photos) so you can compare where they are to where you are today.

    • My husband recently told me that he added a prior girlfriend to his facebook and I honestly don’t have any problem with it because I trust him. The problem I do have is that I just question his motive as to why he would add her. But I totally wish he felt the way you do. It shows total respect for the person you are with. Just felt I needed to respond to your comment because it showed total commitment and honor to your wife.

    • Thanks to you and Jem for giving a different perspective on Facebooking old boyfriends/girlfriends when you’re married. Excellent comments!

  11. My wife and I are both friends with former relationships of ours but they were all from high school. We both trust each other so it does not really bother us.

  12. We’ve had a similar situation come up recently. An old flame from university days contacted me via email asking me if I would be interested in doing some contract work for him. I discussed this with my man, saying that if he was in any way uncomfortable with me accepting the offer of work (which will be completed electronically, rather than in a face-to-face setting) then I would decline. SB however told me to go for it, that it was a great opportunity for us to increase our personal finances and meet our goals earlier.
    We have been open with each other about significant partners in the past and SB knows that I want him, always and forever. It’s not a problem for us.

  13. We usually discuss it if the Situation comes up. He’s more inclined to let me friend my former flames than I am him. Bit of a double standard. So I have since deleted them just so it doesn’t look unfair

  14. This will vary from person to person, but the litmus test for me would be: “Where does this take my thoughts?” If you can think of that person outside of Facebook or in the context, and consistently think to yourself, “Yes, I’m definitely glad I’m not married to that person. And these are all of the reasons why…(including how much you love your spouse)”, then in your own book, I think things are crystal clear. It’s okay to wish them well and want to keep up with their current interests, but if you have *any* doubt in your mind that you are not supposed to be romantically involved with them, on a mental or emotional level, it’s better not to friend them and thereby have them come to mind on a frequent basis.

    Remember, infidelity starts in the mind, with your thoughts.

    Obviously, if your spouse’s feelings are hurt by your contact with a person, that should also be respected. That is one fight I would never want to pick; there is no way your Facebook account should take priority over a spouse’s feelings, no matter how groundless.

  15. My husband is friends with several exes on Facebook and it doesn’t bother me. They are all high school ex-girlfriends, all people that I knew throughout all of high school as well. I am actually Facebook friends with one of them as well. They play absolutely no part in his actual life now and since it was high school, ultimately played little part in his life overall. I also know that if I ever told him that I wanted him to defriend all of them, he would, without ever batting and eye.

  16. I recently came across this article which talks about this very thing: http://www.kyria.com/topics/marriagefamily/marriage/helphealing/forbiddenfruit.html

  17. Every single betrayed spouse trusted their cheating spouse. And most wayward spouses don’t walk out the door or let an old flame back in their lives with the thought, “I’m going to have an affair.”

    It happens, sometimes it happens with boundaries slowly eroding. I believe it’s better to acknowledge there’s a possibility of it happening and be proactive in protecting your marriage than to throw the blanket of trust over everything and ignore the every day stress and temptations that tend to lead to affairs.

  18. I think allowing one discomfort or fear of my spouse is a dis-service to me and to my spouse and to our marriage. Would you avoid flying on a plane because your spouse is afraid of flying? Would you avoid going in a skyscraper because they are afraid of heights?

    I think marriage is a place to work with your spouse on your and their insecurities. In a good marriage, we face our discomfort and our fear as a couple and talk through it. As long as your marriage is faithful, there is room for old friends and old flames.

    There is value in exploring your insecurities. Are they based on the current state of affairs in your relationship? Then they are a welcome red (or perhaps yellow) flag. Are they based on a past infidelity in another relationship? Then it is a sign to work on your insecurities. You will never grow past them if you don’t try. And you will always feel insecure and afraid.

    And, yes, I was cheated on in my first marriage. But with work I have learned that his infidelity was not about me and is certainly not about this marriage. A blessing of marriage is that it brings up your insecurities and false ideas and, ideally, gives you a safe place to work on them. And to feel better. And to be better.

  19. It seems as if trust is the key…and how you use the forum. If you friend someone and don’t really interact with them, that’s one thing. If you friend them and start an ongoing dialogue about your lives, that’s a whole ‘nother thing!

  20. I have a friend whose partner won’t even add her on facebook so she won’t be able to see who he is friends with. Apparently she had questioned some of them, and he didn’t like it so now she can’t see anything happening on his facebook. I think it sounds incredibly dodgy.

  21. I say no. I got a friend request from an ex-girlfriend (I’m 12 years married, and this was a girlfriend from High School) this past summer that I accepted without thinking. I told my wife about it, and she didn’t ask me to defriend her, but I could tell the whole thing was not a good situation. I defriended her anyway, but the whole thing didn’t really clear up between my wife and I for another very stressful two weeks. My wife isn’t a paranoid person–I readily admitted that I got quite a rush from hearing from my old flame, and we wound up talking (my wife and I) a lot about what that meant. I never met with or even spoke to the ex girlfriend; I think if I had, that would have planted too much in my wife’s head.

    Many people have said something to the effect of “if the two of you don’t interact it’s OK.” My take is this: if the two of you aren’t going to interact, why friend the other person?

    I suppose I could see if you were all still actual friends, that might be OK, but my wife and I aren’t in that situation. I’ve seen way too many of our friends’ marriages broken up before our eyes. It’s too common that things drive a wedge between couples; I value my marriage (and respect my wife) FAR too much to voluntarily allow anything in that could have that affect.

  22. I guess it’s a matter of trust really. If you don’t have a level of communication with your current spouse that allows you to become reacquainted with an old friend, do you really have a good marriage? Are you not just postponing the inevitable if such an action causes friction between you? Jealousy is a difficult and irrational thing but sometimes you do have to analyse it as an emotion and take yourself in hand. That emotion can drive a wedge between two people as surely as the physical interaction between two old flames.

    Perhaps discretion is the better part of valour and it is wiser to ignore such an invitation but what does it say about you or your relationship if you cannot trust yourself to behave during communication with an old flame or if the mere extension of the hand of friendship would cause your other half to be upset about the motivation behind such an invitation?

  23. I haven’t “friended” any exes although I have done internet searches on them occasionally. This always makes me glad I stopped dating them! My husband keeps contact with a couple of exes on Facebook but it doesn’t bother me. We have very open communication so I know where I stand with him. He has no desire to get back together with them, especially the one with extreme religious views.

  24. Wow! You guys have such great insight and perspective to add to these conversations!

    Personally, my opinion is that it’s not a big deal IF (and only if) it’s not a big deal to your spouse. I always measure “gray areas” like this by Bethany’s feelings on the matter. If she has even an inkling of uncomfortableness by the idea that I’m going to engage in a relationship (even an innocuous Facebook relationship), then it’s a no-go. It’s that simple in our marriage.

  25. While I read this article, I kept thinking NO WAY..then I realized I have an ex as a friend. I think the circumstances of the break-up, and the relationship you had before you dated, as well as your spouses relationship with the person and the persons current situation/status all factor in whether this is appropriate.

    In my situation, the breakup was a bad one, though we were really good friends before we got “together”. My wife actually forgave this person and become casual friends with her, before I ever even considered it.

    Pre-marital sex is a HUGE factor in this as well. My wife and I were both virgins when we got married, but if we had slept with these exes that were requesting friend invites on Facebook, that’s very different and highly inappropriate in my opinion.

  26. This is a juicy topic! I am friends with a couple of x-bf’s, but I don’t think it bothers my current boyfriend. If however in 20 years, I am married, and some old bf from 25 years ago wants to friend me, I doubt I would go for it. What happened in that moment 25 years ago I think remains in the moment 25 years ago. Now is now. I like to let the past go…

  27. Stephanie says:

    I unfriended my one and only ex-boyfriend (other than my husband, obviously), but remain friends with my one high school crush, though we don’t interact that often on Facebook. He was also in our wedding party, so my hubby knows him fairly well.

    Now, if my ex-boyfriend was to try to friend me again, that would be awkward, and I probably would ignore his reuqest.

  28. Wow. Trust is such a nebulous concept when you think about it and so many people are banking their marriages on that word. The nearly 30,000 members at the infidelity recovery site I read- we all thought we could trust our spouses and the wayward spouses didn’t think they would ever cheat.

    I am saddened by some of these replies. I’m not saying we should treat our spouses as though they are actually in affairs but rather acknowledge that they do happen, more often than most people realize. That we should be proactively protecting our marriages because our chosen life partners are worth more than someone we left in our past for a reason.

    • My phone cut me off. All of those mitigating factors people mention…I’ve seen people w/ those same factors in their marriages posting on affair recovery boards. Happy marriages, marriages w/ no prior sexual partners, trusting marriages, people who communicate…it can happen to anyone for various reasons and there seems to be a couple of common denominators in wayward spouses.

      One, there is something broken in them that makes them think they are entitled to cheat instead of choosing divorce or marriage counseling. Another is that there is a slippery slope that leads to infidelity. It starts with small pushing of boundaries between friendships and the marriage, focusing elsewhere, denial, dreams of a fairytale life.

      This is where an old flame can cause big problems. Forgetting why they are exes, painting a perfect picture out of what-ifs.

      I’m not saying distrust your spouse. I’m saying love your spouse, love each other enough that nobody is worth even the risk of losing your spouse. The only place I ever want to “see” any of you is here…I never want any of you to ever have to join the other community I am a part of. I am not coming from a disillusioned place. I have spent years reading up on infidelity and reading the stories of others who have been through affairs and recovering from the actions of others. I’ve seen thousand of posts from both sides- waywards and betrayeds: If only I knew…

      If even one person starts an open and honest conversation with their spouse…if one person turns to their spouse in times of stress instead of a ‘feel good’ ex flirtation, then opening up my pain for the world to see is worth it.

      • Jem I 100 percent agree with you ….. I know exactly what you are saying because I have myself gone through this.

        Try to stop saying “trust” as if you trust them so nothing bad could ever happen …. we all do or did until they cheated. You can trust your spouse, however don’t be so blind to think that you are immune from infidelity.

        My husband accepted a friend request from an ex high school girlfriend on FB and I “trusted” him and didn’t think much of it. 1 yr later I found out they were emailing over a seven month period on an email acct he created just for her. How did I find out? She got upset he stopped emailing her and she decided to tell. There emails were inappropriate I felt due to the fact you are hiding an email acct, lying, and reminiscing, nurturing and emotionally comforting someone other than your spouse. It was also inappropriate because they were having conversations about my marriage with him and there were some insults thrown my way, he neglected. Oh yes when your spouse wants his cake, he will have to say bed things about you …. but as I told him the only reason the grass looks greener on the other side is because there is usually more manure! Now he stopped on his own, months before she decided to “tell” on him …. guilt? I don’t know, don’t care because the damage has already been done.

        I will say this if you love your spouse, then what need would there be to invite an ex onto your social network page. An ex is an ex for a reason and it is selfish to look back when you could be looking forward with your spouse.

  29. I would probably Friend the person just to reconnect with her. Then, I would tell my wife. Luckily, she is not jealous and has a great head on her shoulders and there would be no issues. In addition, we have a great marriage and are very secure with each other.
    Now, if it was my wife and her old boyfriend, I would probably feel weird but would get over it quickly. She might even ask my permission to Friend which is her polite manner. Either way, in a good marriage there should be no secrets and both parties should feel safe with regards to past relationships.
    This is a very good topic and the responses are interesting.

    • Kevin – Don’t you think that’s a bit of a double standard? You know that your wife would talk to you about it before “friending” her ex, but you would “friend” first and tell your wife later? Not to mention you said you would feel weird (even if it was just for a short while) about it. If you know that’s how you would react don’t you think you owe your wife the same courtesy (of telling her first and “friending” only with permission)? Food for thought.

  30. My husband looked up an old girlfriend on facebook and within 3 days they were professing their love to one another. An emotional affair soon progressed to a physical affair. Needless to say I was devestated and quickly filled for a separation. Seven mths. into the affair he realized what he had given up and expressed a genuine interest in rebuilding our marriage. My husband has since returned home, but it is going to be a long road to repair the pain and broken trust . we are attending marriage counselling and I know complete healing with come as we process through the past. Please pray for us that we will draw strength from the Lord and learn to completely rely on Him to carry us through. Our marriage is already stronger than it was for a very long time and I know that He is faithful to enable us to work through the hard issues.

  31. My husband of 3 years has 3 ex girlfriends that he’s “friends” with. I don’t really like it, especially since one is perpetually trying to make him realize how every man wants her with a every-so-often update on her current string of men. Another one wants us all to “get together” with her and her current beau, and she’s now on Google Latitude-which tells him where she is. He says it’s so he knows where she’s talking about traveling… And I’m wondering why are they talking about her travels anyhow?

  32. Kari- I would suggest that you, and your husband, read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass (http://www.shirleyglass.com/ there’s a quiz to take at that site too). Also a book on boundaries, like the one by Cloud and Townsend. Even if he’s not having an affair with one of them, he should know how to recognize the slippery slope that so many waywards hurtle down in the course of building an affair by breaking boundaries. The wayward forum on survivinginfidelity.com is filled with people who saw too late they protected their ‘friendships’ above the marriages.

    Sometimes people just blame the potential betrayed spouse, saying that s/he is insecure or controlling. That’s an issue with society, not the spouse usually. When we pick a partner for life, we should be making sure that our walls are built tall and strong, keeping other people out of our marriages. Not our lives, but our marriages. The issue comes when people don’t see the lines between their lives with others and their marriages. We block out our spouses from parts of our lives from selfishness or fear while letting other people in with small confidences and intimacies. It all leads to damaging the walls of the marriage until they begin to crumble.

    • Jem, Wow! You have so many interesting insights. Thank you. My husband and I have been married for 3 years. He was a widower with 2 toddlers, and I with one. While we were dating, he broke up with me for a couple months to “sow his oats.” We got back together (obviously), and we married in 2011. I just noticed a girl commenting on his Facebook pictures of our kids (we’ve not legally adopted each other’s, but we are both the only parents any of them know). So I snooped and found private messages on and off between him and a girl he dated during our brief break-up. Kind of flirty…she’s still single. They had slept together. I knew he had dated during our pre-marriage break up. Apparently this girl was also a friend of his deceased wife. Anyway, I was/am very hurt. He deleted her from Facebook, and sort of understands my hurt feelings. The last thing I want is to sound possessive and jealous for no reason. But I am not about to let some you-know-what weasel her way into my family. Also, I know we all have pasts…I dated someone during our break-up, also. But he isn’t my Facebook friend, or any kind of friend. We haven’t spoken since we broke up, and I have no intention or desire to. Do I need to keep a closer eye? I hate feeling this way. He thinks I’m over-reacting, but deleted her out of respect. He said my confidence was one of his favorite things about me, but that I am acting insecure.

  33. angelahayes says:

    I personally have had issues with my spouses female friend who at the time was both of our friend. She decided to tell me how to arouse my spouse. The thought must not have crossed her mind that we have been married for 20 years & I know how to arouse my own spouse. When I message her back & told her that her talking sex to me with her friend & my spouse was inappropriate & told her about the fact that he had an emotional affair years ago with a lady that did this same thing. I at that time was green & didn’t know any better. So me & his friend should not talk about anything inappropriate. a few days later she decides to write on her status update when is a friend to say enough is enough & a friend needs to cut loose of the other person in their life that is making the miserable & humiliation them. Please that statement alone was humiliating enough for anyone. So I wrote a note about what a true friend is. They are loyal they don’t pry into your family business they need to quiet being a noisy meddling friend & be a true loyal friend. Shortly after that she writes me a message saying that someone had came in from Tennessee & posted something on her computer so she was going to be deleting everyone except for family. never mind you that my hubby is still on her friends list. Therefore she just lied to me. after her message about how to arouse my spouse insulted me & humiliated me she then decides that it was also necessary to delete me as well. I say good riddance to her. maybe I won’t be receiving anymore unwanted advise from a lady who is in the process of a divorce herself.

  34. Painful Situation says:

    How would you feel if you were the one receiving the friend request? Would you feel the need to ask your spouse before you accepted or ignored it?

    – I would consult my spouse of respect for her feelings. If there were any hint that the ex was interested in continuing/deepening a relationship, I’d definitely not add as a friend.

    Would you care if your spouse “friended” an ex-boyfriend or ex-wife?

    – It would depend on the nature of the relationship. If the relationship was described to be extremely hot sexually, I might feel threatened. If the relationship was described as unhappy or riddled with infidelity, I’d wonder why it was important to keep the person as a friend. If the spouse had a history of cheating in prior relationships, trust, in general, might be an issue.

    Do you think Facebook and other social media relationships are totally harmless, or does it actually mean something when you accept “friend” status with someone?

    – I think that the friend status can mean something when seen by others. If other people in you or your spouses friends see a name in your friends list, they may think something of it, especially an ex, and especially if the ex’s relationship was known to have been painful.

    My spouse has an ex on her friends list and it bothers me. I asked her about it, she blew up about trust; she removed him from her news feed, but kept as a friend. Base on facebook functionality, she no longer sees his posting without going to his page, but he sees her postings unless he opts out.

    Facebook makes it easy to keep in touch with people without lifting a finger. I don’t trust the ex’s motives.

  35. I Say no. My husband recently friended a highschool sweetheart and didn’t tell me about it. I found out by accident and then found out they’d been inboxing each other. I don’t really think anything was going on, but I felt betrayed by his secret communication with her.

  36. I believe it is wholly inappropriate to friend exes. Let’s face it, we’re human, the only reason we were friends with them in the first place, is because we were involved intimately. How do you transform to platonic and bring them as friends into your married life? As far as I’m concerned a recipe for disaster, and just putting yourself at risk of stirring up old flames. Leave things alone!!

  37. The reason I am even here is because I looked this topic up.. My husband just blew up because I friended an old friend who I had messed around with and we chatted up a bit.. He is in a relationship and happy and we had Totally innocent conversation, which I showed my hub the whole of.. and he still lost his mind.. In asense I understand because I know he is a bit of an insecure person..But in the same token I feel like you shouldn’t have to put your spouse in a box to ‘avoid temptation’. they should be put right smack dab in the middle of temptation, and if they remain faithful then thats how you build trust and confidence in one another.. Trying to avoid temptation is basically to me an admission of weakness… You are admitting that if you are given a window of opportunity you will probably take advantage.
    I would also like to add that my husbands ex is still amoungst our group of friends.. I actually like her and we get along very well.. I feel absoluely nothing about the fact that they used to date.. As far as i’m concerned if they wanted to be together they would be.. and if he cheated then I would know he wasn’t for me.

    My relationship with my husband is actually great.. I don’t understand how he can feel so insecure.. he’s never been betrayed before… I guess some people just are like that.

  38. @Trish, I have to respectfully disagree with this:

    “they should be put right smack dab in the middle of temptation, and if they remain faithful then thats how you build trust and confidence in one another.. Trying to avoid temptation is basically to me an admission of weakness…”

    Every relationship goes through highs and lows — relatively speaking. I’m not saying that during the “lows” that any spouse would cheat, I’m just saying that some days are better than others. When you take that and combine it will every other factor imaginable — finances, health, life changes, hormones — relationships are hard enough without throwing temptation in the mix on top of all that.

    Proverbs 5 reads:

    1 My son, pay attention to my wisdom,
    turn your ear to my words of insight,
    2 that you may maintain discretion
    and your lips may preserve knowledge.
    3 For the lips of the adulterous woman drip honey,
    and her speech is smoother than oil;
    4 but in the end she is bitter as gall,
    sharp as a double-edged sword.
    5 Her feet go down to death;
    her steps lead straight to the grave.
    6 She gives no thought to the way of life;
    her paths wander aimlessly, but she does not know it.
    7 Now then, my sons, listen to me;
    do not turn aside from what I say.
    8 Keep to a path far from her,
    do not go near the door of her house,
    9 lest you lose your honor to others
    and your dignity[a] to one who is cruel,
    10 lest strangers feast on your wealth
    and your toil enrich the house of another.

    Note the writer’s advice: “Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house” he doesn’t say “meet her for lunch someplace cozy, but don’t kiss her. Call her on the phone when your wife isn’t home, chat with her online when no one’s looking over your shoulder; meet her for dinner when your wife’s out of town, but don’t have sex with her.” The writer knows that it’s hard enough to do the right thing WITHOUT temptation, so we should FLEE (Also see 1 Timothy 6) ANY kind of temptation — don’t get close to it, cross to the other side of the street, move to the other side of town.

    I’d be curious to see how many people who have 20+ year marriages would disagree.

    One more thought — you said “if they remain faithful then thats how you build trust and confidence in one another” — once you’re married, you’ve promised your spouse that you will always be faithful — that your promise, and theirs to you. There’s no “IF” they remain faithful — you both need to do everything you can to HELP the other in that promise, not play “let’s see if he/she can resist THIS time!” games. There’s just too much at stake to not stack the deck in your favor.

    • Exactly. Great passage, by the way. In marriage, there really shouldn’t be a question of “if” they remain faithful. We promised it during our vows, in front of God and a witness (or witnesses). If you’re not ready for that, then do not get married and subject your partner to possible infidelities.

Speak Your Mind

*

x
Join our free newsletter & get these today:

Enter your best email below to get started: