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Why You Shouldn’t Wait to Have More (and Better) Sex

more sexDo you think there will be plenty of time down the road to nurture sex in your marriage?

Maybe. Maybe not.

When my husband and I married, we were 37 and 33, respectively.  And though we had each had sex in previous relationships, we did not have sex with each other until our wedding night.

We had been engaged just under a year and had been together for nearly two years, so to say the sexual tension between us was intense is an understatement of the greatest magnitude.  We wanted each other — in the worst (best?) way.

During our first few years of marriage, we enjoyed an incredible amount of sexual intimacy.  And even now 11 years after we said “I do,” we certainly still enjoy and savor our sexual connection.

But — and here’s the caveat you can’t see at the altar — life has a way of moving along and sabotaging sexual connection.

We started marriage with my 5-year-old son, and then we added another little guy to the picture about a year and half after our vows.  I couldn’t have seen then what I’m living now.

For those of you doing littles, brace yourself.  If you think the newborn, toddler and preschool years are busy, the grade-school, middle school and high school years will push your calendar to a new level of insanity.

And I’m not even talking about those folks who over-schedule their kids in a bazillion activities.

I’m talking about painfully average folks like me and my man, keeping the ship afloat and making sure everyone gets where they need to be with what they need when they need it.

There are things you can’t see at the beginning of marriage (thank God) that then become your reality the more years you log.

For us, in our short 11 years together, it has been the thrilling (and exhausting) ride of raising kids, of caring for an elderly parent, of losing jobs and changing jobs and finding jobs, and of facing a myriad of health struggles and financial hurdles.

Don’t get me wrong.  I am grateful for the life I wake up to each day. Grateful.

But I don’t always like the toll it has taken on the sexual connection in my marriage bed.

Do you think there is plenty of time down the road to nurture sex in your marriage?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Do you know why you shouldn’t wait to to have more (better) sex?

Because if you don’t build now the healthy habit of regularly and intentionally connecting with each other sexually, you will find it almost impossible to do when life gets cumbersome and treacherous.

When I think of how my beloved and I now have to seek with eagle eyes the sliver of margin in our life to make love, I think of how much more difficult it would be if we had not invested in our sexual relationship early in our marriage.

There was a time in our life when sex came easy — when we weren’t neck deep in parenting chaos and we weren’t taking care of an elderly parent and we had the advantage of being a bit younger than we are now.

The reason you shouldn’t wait to have more and better sex is because the elusive “tomorrow” that you think will be an easier time to have sex really doesn’t exist.  In fact, depending on your age and season of life you’re in, the “tomorrow” you wake up to might very well be incredibly harder than your life today.

I’ve long believed that when a husband and wife are taking good care of their sexual intimacy — having sex often and making sure they both are enjoying it — they are better equipped to do life.  Better equipped to savor the good moments.  Better equipped to endure together the painful debilitating parts.

Do you think there is plenty of time down the road to nurture sex in your marriage?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Mark my words. Your sexual connection tomorrow will depend on what you are doing about it today.

4 Tips for Going Back to School…After You’re Married

Note: This is a guest post from Amanda Brown.

4 tips for going back to school when you are marriedGetting a better education is stressful, and adding marriage into the equation can certainly take the stress level up a notch.

So what’s the best way to handle going back to school when you’re all grown up and married?

Here are four tips to help reduce stress, increase the marriage bond, and enable guilt-free time for your advanced degree and your marriage.

1. Reduce Stress

There is a lot of pressure that married students have to balance, both with school and within their marriage.

TIP: Approach a college degree as a partnership.

No, that does not mean your spouse should do your homework. It means that going to school is not a personal project. It is a goal that will help both you and your spouse in the long run.

A degree means more opportunities for better jobs and higher salaries. That is a benefit you both receive. When you approach this as a team, there is less resentment and less stress. You both make sacrifices toward a better life.

2. Create a Chore Calendar

A strong marriage is full of rewards. Take advantage of every reward by working together. Your spouse is your biggest supporter. Let them be your motivation for doing well in school.

TIP: Create a calendar of everything that demands your time, including chores.

Major study time, projects, and test preparation should all be included on the calendar, as well as housework. The calendar helps you both see how much work needs doing and who will be doing it. If you want to measure equity, then initial who does what. Remember that getting any degree, such as a social worker degree, is a team project.

3. Build Together Time

Plan out your together time. This could include a date night when you are home together for dinner.

TIP: As you plan your school workload, schedule down time.

Use down time as together time, for both you and your spouse. This is an excellent time to build a stronger marriage. Another awesome tool is to do tiny, caring things like packing “I love you” notes in each other’s lunches. Make each note unique. Some suggestions include giving thanks to your spouse for helping with school.

Little reinforcements go a long way in building a strong marriage. The stronger your marriage is, the easier it will be to get through school.

4. Celebrate Achievements

Every semester comes with goals and obstacles. Those include midterms, finals and projects.

TIP: Chart out those obstacles and celebrate their achievements together.

If you approach going to school as a team project, then celebrate each achievement together. Make it part of your together time. Keep the celebrations on the simple and inexpensive side. Make victory cookies together or read poetry to each other.

Whatever you do, make it special. Save the expensive parties for when you graduate. When you are both grateful for an achievement, you erase negative emotions that may occur at stressful times.

Going back to school is a massive change for a married couple to go through, but you can do it. If you focus on being a couple and accomplishing the degree, then the victory that you celebrate is belongs to both of you.

You will each have contributed to the greater good of your marriage and improved your earning potential. :)

Note: This is a guest post from Amanda Brown.

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