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Sexual Touch and What You Might Be Missing

sexual touch in your marriageThe way you touch your spouse — what does it say about your sexual desire?

It’s an important question.

Sexual desire — the degree to which we sexually long for the person we married — is a tender vulnerable place.

Rich with possibilities.  And, in some marriages, fraught with discouragement.

My husband and I had not had sex with each other before we were married, so our wedding night set us on an adventure of learning about arousal.  We had much to learn about sexual touch.

Certainly we understood the mechanics of sex, but as far as discovering what we each found arousing with each other — well, that was a blank slate!

And for that we were grateful.

Eleven years in to marriage, and we still love exploring the map, figuring out new ways to turn each other on.  With our touch.

What do you convey when you touch your spouse sexually?  In many regards, words can never measure up to what touch can do.

Yes, therein lies the power. The way we touch can be positive or negative, and the subtleties between the two is more impactful to a sexual connection — and to the entire marriage, really — than many couples care to reflect upon.

Nowhere does our touch speak clearer than in how we use it sexually with the person we married. That is a bold statement. I know.

But think about your own marriage and the way you each express yourselves sexually — with your touch, not your words.  When you look closely at that, what gut feeling are you left with?

One of ravenous gratitude? Or one of disappointment and discouragement?

A common complaint I hear from some people who comment on my blog and who email me is that sex in their marriage has become predictable.  I even had someone tell me once that the way he and his wife had sex was so predictable that he could almost time it down to the second.

He was painfully aware that predictable sexual encounters — especially ones drenched in an obligatory tone of “have to” rather than “get to”fail to take us to the authentic sexual connection we desire.

Just in case you think I’m overly sympathetic to husbands who feel sexually neglected, I do indeed have a heart’s cry for women who find themselves in similar circumstances.  They too hunger for a husband who wants them sexually and clearly expresses that desire in the way he touches her.

If you think sexual touch is an area where you and your spouse can grow, consider these three tips:

Tip #1:  Use your hands to their full potential.

Consider the ways you can use your fingertips and hands — through a variety of light caresses and firm touches — to arouse your spouse.

And don’t forget that sexual arousal is not limited to only certain areas of the body.  Sure, the genitals and breasts are the areas we think of the most, but honestly, the entire body is fair game. You may be surprised at what you discover.

For example, some people find it particularly arousing to have their spouse run their fingers through their hair or along the back of their neck.

Don’t be afraid to ask what they enjoy and also to try new touches and take cues from their feedback (verbal and nonverbal!)

Tip #2:  Don’t be overly anxious to get to the act itself.

I like an intense orgasm as much as the next person, but I think what can be as invigorating is what leads up to that orgasm.  And a lot of that has to do with the time we invest in touching.

Anticipation is powerful, so pay close attention to the way your touch can take your spouse through a delicious cycle of getting close to a sexual edge.  Learn how to take them to that edge, back off it ever so slightly, and then go to the edge again – several times before actually going over.

Couples who figure out that cycle find better sex at the end of it. Amazing.

Tip #3:  Add more sexual touch when you are clothed.

How intentional are you throughout the day to convey to your spouse with your touch, “I want you. I desire you. You’re still the one who turns me on.”

Sadly, too many husbands and wives who couldn’t keep their hands off each other early in the relationship can now go days on end without ever really touching each other, let alone touching each other with passion and playfulness.

It is extraordinary what you can say to your spouse. Without actually saying anything.

Sexual touch — do you know what you are missing?

For more on sex and your marriage, consider the 10 Best Sex Questions to Ask Your Spouse.

Summertime And The Romancin’ Is Easy – 10 Great Dates

 IMG_1788Ah! Summertime. The time when we look forward to enjoying life outdoors. We live in Florida, so most of our summertime dates include enjoying the water–at the beach, in our pool, or by the lake–it doesn’t matter.

Not everyone has access to the water, but in Florida it is so hot and humid, it’s a necessity if you’re going to enjoy the date. :-)

I thought it would be fun to share 10 great Summertime Dates that are easy and very romantic. Pick your favorites and make it a point to give them a try before school begins. 


1. Bonfire Date – Whether you have an outdoor fire pit in your own backyard, or you know of a place in your town where they have one, I encourage you to plan an evening to sit by the fire after sunset and reminisce.

Talk about your favorite summer vacations growing up, or discuss places you dream of visiting one summer in the future.

You might even want to start your own vacation Bucket List–although we prefer to call it our iHeart List, which is basically places we’d love to see in our lifetime.

2. Picnic Date – Everyone has enjoyed a picnic together at one time or another. But why not take your picnic to another level?

Here are some variations to get you thinking: after dark in your backyard, on the roof, in the pool, breakfast at the beach, sunset on a boat,  make a day of it having breakfast, lunch and dinner in three different places or in a park you both love, outdoor concert picnic (make this one by buying the food from your favorite restaurant and setting up a table complete with candlelight.)

Surprise your spouse by fixing a picnic and meeting them in their parking lot at work. Tom did this last one for me when I worked at a private high school campus. He set up a table behind our car with the lift gate open so I could hear the music playing from his CD player. It was a day I’ll never forget!

3. Water Date - This could include a trip to a local water park, or spring. You could go kayaking, rafting, canoeing or snorkeling. Whatever is near you.

Another fun date is to buy two really nice water guns and have a showdown in your backyard. If there aren’t any kids around you could make it more fun by wearing white t-shirts and shorts with nothing on underneath. :-) The guys are sure to like this one!

4. Ice Cream Date - Plan a trip to your local ice cream parlor and enjoy your favorite. Or you could do this one at home making ice cream sundaes. If you’re really motivated you could make your own.

5. Bike Ride Date - Take your bikes and hit the trail together. Pack some snacks and drinks with you and look for a secluded, shady spot along the route.

Stop and enjoy being alone in the woods together. Variation on this would be to go hiking–leave the bikes at home. But don’t forget your bug spray!

6. Farmer’s Market Date - Visit your local farmer’s market and buy ingredients for your dinner date at home that night. Once the kids are in bed, cook up your fresh ingredients while watching movies that highlight farmers’ markets: Sleepless in Seattle (famous Pike Place Market), You’ve Got Mail (New York City) to name a few.

7. Sandcastle Competition DateBuy all the right tools to make a fantastic sandcastle. You can either work together to build your mansion, or build separately and have a vote for the best.

You could ask those passing by to cast their vote, or take pictures and put them on Facebook and have your friends vote for the best. Finish this date by knocking the castle down and burying each other in the ruins.

8. Yard Game Tournament Date - There are many games available that would be perfect for a little one-on-one challenge. Yard darts, horseshoes, hillbilly golf, corn hole, croquet, badminton or bocce ball. Check out Amazon for lots of varieties.

Make the games more fun by adding your own incentives for the winner.

9. Outdoor Concerts – Check your local listings to see what concerts are taking place in or around your town. Summer is usually full of such opportunities and gives you the chance to hear bands you might not hear otherwise.

10.  One Tank Road Trips - I remember growing up it was popular to take a Sunday drive. There was no destination other than to enjoy the scenery as well as the time together. Check out one-tank road trips near your home and make plans to spend a day driving and talking.

There is no better way to slow down and enjoy each other.

There you have it! Ten great dates to try at some point before Labor Day, which is less than 8 weeks from now. As you can see, summertime really is the best time for romancin’…and I’ve made it easy as well. :-)

In closing enjoy this classic song by Ella Fitzgerald, which is sure to help you slow down and smile…

What is your all time favorite summer date?

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